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Lyudmila Petranovskaya is a secret support of affection. "Secret Support"

If you understand your child, it will be easier for you to build a relationship with him. The answers to the most difficult questions lie there. Should I study? early development or let everything take its course? Should I send him to kindergarten...

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Lyudmila Petranovskaya, author of the series of books for children “What to do if...”, a famous psychologist-teacher, leader of webinars on family relationships and winner of the Presidential Prize of the Russian Federation, presents the continuation of the series “Close People: Psychology of Relationships”. The previous book, “If it’s difficult with a child,” became a bestseller for parents and provided answers to the most popular questions in raising children.
A new book will be useful not only for young mothers, but also for those who want to rethink their relationship with their possibly grown-up child. You will learn:
- how a child’s attachment to his parents is formed from a very early age to adolescence;
- why the roles of Mentor and Parent are far from the same thing;
- how to become a support for your child in life.
If you understand your child, it will be easier for you to build a relationship with him. The answers to the most difficult questions lie there. Should we engage in early development or let everything take its course? Should I send him to kindergarten or leave him with my grandmother? Should I punish at the request of the teacher and does this make sense? Should a teenager be given the freedom he desires? And finally, how to maintain a relationship with a child when he is already an adult?
Find the answers to these questions by following your childhood step by step with Lyudmila Petranovskaya.

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Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya

Secret support: attachment in a child's life

Loved you for no special reason
Because you are a daughter
Because you are a son
Because baby
Because you are growing,
Because he looks like his dad and mom.
And this love until the end of your days
Will remain your secret support.V. Berestov

Introduction

The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Slightly more complex parents are only placed in favorable environment, and there you go. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.

If you look from this point of view, man is indeed the crown of creation. Because we have the most helpless babies and the longest childhood on the planet - a quarter of life. It takes years before a child can cope without adults. Moreover, with the progress of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthening; once upon a time, childhood definitely ended at twelve, but now at twenty-two it does not always end.

It turns out that a creature will grow up that does not just implement the programs written in the genes, like billions of his ancestors for millions of years and him, like some cockroaches, but builds his life, thinks about the structure of the universe, asks eternal questions of existence, has values, dares, believes, loves - in a word, a rational and free being is quite necessary long period complete helplessness and dependence. In some miraculous way, it is dependence that transforms into freedom, it is precisely the complete initial inability to adapt to the world that transforms into the ability to creatively change this world.

Everyone who was born human and grew up has passed this path in one way or another. Everyone who raises children follows it. In this book we will go through it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and try to understand: how does it work?

I want to say right away: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have another life in parallel to devote to research and verify every statement. But I don’t have a second life, and in this one I chose to be a practitioner. So, at my own peril and risk, I am simply telling you how I see, feel, and understand it. With examples from my life, from the stories of clients and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and on playgrounds.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya, author of the series of books for children “What to do if...”, a famous psychologist-teacher, leader of webinars on family relationships and winner of the Presidential Prize of the Russian Federation, presents the continuation of the series “Close People: Psychology of Relationships”. The previous book, “If it’s difficult with a child,” became a bestseller for parents and provided answers to the most popular questions in raising children. The new book will be useful not only for young mothers, but also for those who want to rethink their relationship with their possibly grown-up child. You will learn: - how a child’s attachment to his parents is formed from a very early age to adolescence; - why the roles of Mentor and Parent are far from the same thing; - how to become a support for your child in life. IF YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD, IT WILL BE EASIER FOR YOU TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. The answers to the most difficult questions lie there. Should we engage in early development or let everything take its course? Should I send him to kindergarten or leave him with my grandmother? Should I punish at the request of the teacher and does this make sense? Should a teenager be given the freedom he desires? And finally, how to maintain a relationship with a child when he is already an adult? Find the answers to these questions by following your childhood step by step with Lyudmila Petranovskaya.

About the book

Name: Secret support. Attachment in a child's life
Lyudmila Petranovskaya
Genre: Pedagogy
Series:-
ISBN:978-5-17-084861-4, 978-5-17-086158-3
Pages: 45
Translation:-
Publisher: AST, Times 2
Year: 2015

EBook

Loved you for no special reason

Because you are a daughter

Because you are a son

Because baby

Because you are growing,

Because he looks like his dad and mom.

And this love until the end of your days

It will remain your secret support.

V. Berestov

Introduction

Loved you for no special reason

Because you are a daughter

Because you are a son

Because baby

Because you are growing,

Because he looks like his dad and mom.

And this love until the end of your days

It will remain your secret support.

V. Berestov

Introduction

The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Parents who are a little more complex only place them in a favorable environment, and then they do it themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.

It turns out that a creature will grow up that does not just implement the programs written in the genes, like billions of his ancestors for millions of years and him, like some cockroaches, but builds his life, thinks about the structure of the universe, asks eternal questions of existence, has values, dares, believes, loves - in a word, a rational and free being, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is necessary. In some miraculous way, it is dependence that transforms into freedom, it is precisely the complete initial inability to adapt to the world that transforms into the ability to creatively change this world.

Of course, the very essence, attachment theory is a completely scientific theory, there are many interesting studies and publications on it, some of which I will refer to throughout the story. But I am fully aware that not all statements of this theory, and certainly not all statements in this book, are fully scientifically confirmed, and some are generally difficult to verify. Attachment theory is not yet the mainstream of psychological science; there are fewer studies and books devoted specifically to it than we would like. In Russia, attachment theory is simply little known. And it's a shame because I don't know this moment approach to the study of man, the study of childhood, an approach to education and psychotherapy that is more profound, accurate and effective in practical work. Many problems that poison the lives of many people could simply not be created if you knew how the child’s relationship with his parents works. And many already created and even familiar ones could be solved quite successfully and reliably. I am sure that someday this will be realized, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied truly deeply, and many new and important things will be revealed to us that will change people’s lives for the better.

But my clients and readers are raising kids today, and they can't wait. Therefore, today I am sharing with you what I can, without presenting what is written as the ultimate truth. Read, observe, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If something is going differently in your life, in your relationship with your child, do not immediately get scared and look for where you are going wrong. It is impossible to describe all possible options and situations in the text of the book, and real life always more complex than the most developed theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written, if it happens to him differently or even exactly the opposite - just think about why this could be. The child may have his own pace of development or character traits, you may have special circumstances in your life now or some time ago, and finally, I just could be wrong. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this one is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love him, you know him, you understand him, you feel him like no one else, even if at times it seems to you that you don’t understand him at all. A specialist’s opinion is important information for reflection; it is a way to see your situation from the outside, an opportunity to see problems in the broader context of culture, tradition, and even the evolution of our species. But it’s up to you to decide what to do right now with your own baby who is crying, fighting or scared, and if your intuition, driven by love and care, says something different from the book, listen to your intuition.

In the book we will go with the child and his parents through his entire childhood: from birth to adulthood. We'll build a road map to growing up and look at the role of attachment in this process. Of course, the development of a child is multifaceted, his body, his intellect and abilities change and develop, but we will focus only on one line: his relationships with “his” adults, how they, on the one hand, depend on the development of everything else, on the other - influence this development. Each chapter of the book is another stage of childhood. Each stage brings new challenges for the age, new needs of the child, new opportunities, but also new risks if the needs are not met. We will try to understand the logic: how dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, how our love and care year after year form in the child a secret support on which, like a pivot, his personality rests.

Our way along road map will be accompanied by examples and observations from life, and sometimes from literature or cinema. It will be great if each time you take a brief break from the book and remember similar - or dissimilar - situations that you yourself were in or that you observed, and try to analyze them from the point of view of what you read. Or maybe you want to reread something or review it from a new angle.

Sometimes we will, as it were, rise above our path for small theoretical excursions in order to understand how it works. If the topic seems particularly interesting to you, it makes sense to find and read the books to which I provide links. I promise not to overload the narrative with terms and to mention only those that, in my opinion, are key to our topic.

As we move along the route, we will from time to time draw practical conclusions: how to behave as an adult, what to do and what not to do, so that the child develops in accordance with nature’s plan, is filled with affection and successfully turns it into independence. And so that it would be easier and more joyful for you with him, and that parenthood would be a happiness for you that requires dedication, and not hard labor or an exam that is always passed to who knows who with the fear of making a mistake.

"Secret Support" is a fairly popular book among parents. On the Internet, on various parenting forums, on book review sites and in our flashbook “Chitarium”, you can read a lot good reviews and recommendations! It is with great pleasure that I join the enthusiastic readers! 😉

As after reading another book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya, I again want to note the atmosphere of the narrative, thanks to which you read and realize that “they understand me here, they don’t judge me and they want to help me!”

The book is written in a language that is accessible and understandable to every parent, with various examples from life, films and books, scientific facts and the author’s personal life experience.

The exact opposite of books like "French Children Don't Spit Food" by Pamella Druckerman And “Motherly Love” by Nekrasov, as it is based on attachment theory. It was founded by an English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby.

Quote: “Attachment theory impresses me because it allows us to see the mechanism of transformation of complete dependence, in which a human child begins its life, into an autonomous adult.

Understanding how attachment works, we can literally see and hear in completely familiar moments of communication between parents and children how this happens day after day, year after year. This means that we can see behind the labels “whims”, “spoiledness”, “aggression”, “harmful character”, “laziness” the essence of what is happening is the child’s reaction to a threat to attachment. And understand how to help him so that he grows and develops, and does not waste his energy fighting for our love.”

In the book, the essence of attachment theory is illustrated as follows:

In some magical way, with each main image, you are visited by a feeling of calm and at the same time the feeling of guilt evaporates, which often arises after reading other “parenting” books from eminent psychologists and teachers (add here: pressure from relatives, the public and attacks of self-flagellation “I’m a mother viper, I do everything wrong!)».

Quote: “The opinion of a specialist is important information for reflection, it is a way to see your situation from the outside, an opportunity to see problems in the broader context of culture, tradition and even the evolution of our species. But it’s up to you to decide what to do right now with your own baby who is crying, fighting or scared, and if your intuition, driven by love and care, says something different from the book, listen to your intuition.”

Book format and contents

This publication from the publishing house "AST" is quite cute, has a soft, pleasant-to-touch cover and is of fairly high quality.

The book has only 8 chapters, each of which is dedicated to a specific age:

1. From birth to one year. INVITATION TO LIFE.

2. Crisis of 1 year. OWN AND EVERYONE ELSE.

3. From one to three years. CONQUERING THE WORLD.

4. Crisis 3 years. NO, I DO NOT WANT AND I WILL NOT.

5. From 4 to 7. TENDER AGE.

6. Crisis 6-7 years. TOGETHER FOREVER.

7. From 7 to 12. ON THE WAY TO THE BIG WORLD

8. From 12 to 15. TEENAGER: JUMPING INTO THE ABYSS

And the last chapter "After childhood."

On the question of “when to read”: It’s best to start reading during pregnancy and then turn to the book as you grow up as a parent and your baby (I think enthusiastic dads should also read and be “up to date with pedagogical events”).

Leitmotif of the book — it is important from the first days of a baby’s life to provide him with support (that same unconditional maternal love and care), which will create a strong foundation for his personality and will support him throughout his life!

Is it really so clear and familiar? Is it true... it’s not so easy, sometimes, in any situation, to bring this to life? Thanks to books such as “Secret Support”, you can look at the family situation from a different angle, understand and accept your child, his true needs (and also understand how to combine your needs and life in society).

Quote:« …The well-being of a child does not depend on the conditions in which he lives, but on the relationships in which he finds himself.”

This idea is very well illustrated in the book with various examples from the lives of orphans and children from financially secure, outwardly prosperous families.

You can look it up on the Internet John films And "Laura", which were filmed by the Englishmen James and Joyce Robertson, continuers of Bowlby’s attachment theory.

If you are interested, you can read Lyudmila Petranovskaya's blog, where there are many interesting thoughts and articles on psychology. And also, watch it webinars and lectures on YouTube:

“How to improve your relationship with your child. Attachment theory"
“If mom is at zero. Emotional burnout parents"
“We, our children and the traumas of older generations”
“Features of raising teenagers”
"Mom asks for help"
“Child success and development through family relationships”

At the end of the book there is a small list of books on attachment theory(I’ll duplicate it, you might be interested in reading them):

1. “Attachment” by J. Bowlby

2. “Little Children and Their Mothers” Winnicott D.V.

3. Gerhardt S. “How does love shape the brain?”

4. J. Korczak “How to love a child?”

5. Neufeld G., Mate G. “Don’t miss your children.”

6. Melia M. “The main secret of the first year of life”

P.S. This article is copyrighted and intended for private use. Publication and use of text and photographs on other sites is possible only with the written consent of the authors of the blog “DIY Moms” and with an active link to the source.

Commercial use is prohibited.

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