Cool statuses about excess weight. Jokes about losing weight Jokes about women losing weight

I’ll say right away - it’s not funny at all! Hello, damn it, Ministry of Finance??!! Why are you there - you can’t see the shores at all?
All morning the news has been ringing - they say meat, chickens (read turkeys!) will rise in price by 10%. Well, and behind them, as usual, comes everything else; our prices can only rise!!
And what did the dog rummage through? I still don’t understand which of them is dumber? Either the Ministry of Finance itself, which did not see through the situation and, together with the tax authorities, squandered a shortfall of taxes by 5 lard rubles (they have different interpretations of the law, you see!), or semi-literate deputies (“tupadet”), who wrote this opus (law) so stupidly that it can be read in different ways, hello? Who do you have there??!
And now they decided to amuse us with hyperinflation in the middle of the year! But they were so proud that it (inflation) had dropped significantly! Well, here you go, get it and sign it! I repeat - everyone will go for meat. EVERYTHING, even mustard, blah!
Well, since we’ve screwed ourselves up, it’s now easier to forgive the suppliers of these additives for this shortage! Well, there, announce some kind of tax amnesty!! I also need money for the country! Even for the population, this, in principle, is not so much: 50 million buyers for 100 rubles = that’s 5 lard for you! Business! BUT: it will be EVERY month!!! Those. By the end of the year, we will ALL overpay 5lX6months = 30 (THIRTY) billion!!! This is the annual budget of the entire Pension Fund FOR THE YEAR!! And they, on the contrary, raised their pension by 7%, but beef miao and so on by as much as 10% right away! Is this how it is?? And in 2020 we will get all 60 billion!
So, either let the pension be raised again by 10% from July 1, or let them pay these 5 billion from their fund (PF of the Russian Federation!)! Or maybe an amnesty! Or take it from these Zakharchenkos, FSB officers - only two of them found four times more than what is needed now. Well, or check out the others, maybe you’ll find something else...
I understand that it’s not funny at all... But, after all, it’s not funnier for us pensioners! Here you already save every rupee, you don’t know what to buy - bread or a bottle of vegetable oil.
About meat - I shouldn’t have started it, it’s all the same, after all, we don’t eat every week - until you save up for chicken... So now we won’t eat every week and a half. Abbydno, dammit!! It’s not like the whole country should go on a hunger strike - it will work out that way...

A real story with a client. I go into a cafe, and there she is eating a cake. I told her:
- Masha, you said that you won’t buy desserts anymore...
Indignant Masha:
- I didn’t buy it, Lena treated me to it.

I haven’t eaten after 6 pm for 3 days.
Gone:
Belly - by 0.0001%
Sides - by 0.0001%
The desire to live is 99%

You sweat in the gym for two weeks and eat almost nothing
Expectation: a small skirt will fit
Reality: all bras are too big

You are prescribed a strict diet - nothing fried, spicy, smoked, fatty, or salty. Otherwise death.
- So it’s that you can’t drink pickle juice the morning after drinking, and I have to walk around with a sore head all day?

Before the New Year I planned to lose 10 kilograms. Only 15 left.

The story www.site/id/975192/ and its discussion reminded...
The story of one friend in the smoking room.
Further, as his mother told him.
“You are the youngest child in the family [eighth – approx. PoReader]. He was born weak and from birth toiled with his stomach and sucked poorly at the breast. But I had plenty of milk. Apparently because of this, mastitis began a few days after being discharged from the hospital. I have a fever, my chest is swollen and hurts - you can’t touch me... And then the next relatives came to congratulate me, all day I was torn between them and you. By the evening I was so tired that I fell off my feet. I put you to sleep next to me on the bed - so as not to get up at night, I was very exhausted. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I feeloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I feel that the temperature has subsided and my chest does not hurt... I felt my breasts - they are empty... The milk has drained, or what? In the darkness, I felt around the bed with my hands - dryly... I turned on the light, and almost screamed: in the dim light of the night lamp I see that you have been inflated to an absolutely spherical shape. Two balls: the smaller one is the head, the larger one is the body. And thin arms and legs. He lies down, blows milk bubbles and doesn’t scream. Maybe you didn't have the strength to yell? Or couldn’t take a deeper breath? I have to think that he blew both tits out of hunger while I was sleeping! They called an ambulance, they thought it would be a volvulus or something worse...”

I was standing in line at the checkout line at the grocery store, and I was bored. I see a woman standing behind me with kefir and green leaf salad. And in front is a man with two bottles of good beer.
And then I looked at their faces. Both are middle aged. The man is so rosy-cheeked, cheerful, energetic, you could plow such a field. And the woman... tortured, circles under her eyes and a face the color of this very salad. Wow, I think, what an illustration it turned out to be - two worlds, two destinies... so much for healthy eating!

Potatoes are used to make chips, mashed potatoes and vodka. It feels like other vegetables aren't even trying.

For a long time it remained a mystery to me how my girlfriend managed to stay on a strict diet for months. Until one day I took a closer look at her trellis with cosmetics: hand cream - nourishing, foot cream - nourishing, face cream - nourishing... Yes, she is like a single-celled organism, absorbing food over the entire surface of her body.

Inspired by a story about my grandmother's allergy to moldy jam.
I think many doctors can tell some pretty interesting stories about allergies.
I’ve already told my story here a couple of times - in a Russian canteen, a kitchen worker fell ill with severe eczema of her hands, and there was a significant improvement over the weekend, but on vacation everything went away completely. As the diagnosis of “occupational eczema” is supposed to be, it remains to understand what exactly causes it.
I gave her a test with chicken protein - at that time the canteen menu included mostly chicken - the result was negative.
I started digging further, trying this and that as potential allergens - we discovered a strong allergic reaction to chlorpromazine. I ask the patient - have you ever taken chlorpromazine? No, he says. I had to contact the SES so that they would write an official request to the poultry farm, where those birds mainly came from to the canteen. They write to us a long line: “Antibiotics are added to the poultry feed” - then a list of 17 or 18 items - “and in case of stressed birds - aminazine.”
We helped the patient, but the demand for chicken among the doctors and nurses of our clinic then dropped significantly. Personally, I didn’t eat chicken at all for about 5 years.
The second story about allergies was heard at a medical conference in the States.
Once upon a time there lived a man, about 50 years old. Divorced, lived alone, worked somewhere. Suddenly he began to develop itchy rashes around his neck (so to speak, the “décolletage area”). When it became completely unbearable for him, he went to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist there, don’t be a fool, conducted allergy testing.
A positive test was obtained with tetracycline. They start asking the man if he is taking tetracycline or anything that contains it. The result is zero. Again, it is not clear, if a man with an allergy to tetracycline eats or drinks something with tetracycline, then why the reaction is in this place, and nowhere else.
A couple of months passed, as they say, while the doctors sorted out the situation.
A lonely man kept a cat at home.
Which I fed with dry food.
The cat loved to lie on the man’s shoulders, a la “living collar.”
That guy lived somewhere in the southern states, where it’s hot most of the year, so at home he walked around mostly bare-chested, like your Putin.
And the cat lay on his shoulders, and lay there for an hour or two every day, while the man watched TV or surfed the Internet.
But the attending physician just went to the patient’s Facebook page a couple of times and saw several photographs of that man with a cat on his bare shoulders. Until this moment, the man had not told the doctor at all that he kept the cat at home. I believed that the cat could not have anything to do with the disease.
As a result, the doctor asked the patient what kind of food he feeds the cat.
Tetracycline was found in cat food in significant quantities.
After changing the cat food, the man's dermatitis went away. At all.

Regarding age verification when purchasing alcohol.
I remember about 10 years ago we were gathered for a mini-conference (about 40 participants) in some hotel in Maryland, relatively close to Washington. Well, the hotel was good, but very far from all the benefits of civilization. It stood on the shore of a picturesque bay, where there was a large yacht mooring; in fact, mostly yacht owners lived there. And for these four days, we - the participants of the international conference - were forced to worm our way into their number.
It was possible to get out of the hotel only along a narrow asphalt road leading to some highway. Well, or on yachts and helicopters - which we didn’t have, because... Deripaska and Abramovich did not participate there.
And we really wanted to get out of the hotel, because... according to some local rules, the inviting party fed us, but did not provide us with alcoholic drinks at all, and this was the case during all 4 days of the conference.
The cost of a glass of beer at the hotel bar started at $12, which was prohibitively expensive for us. Wines and spirits were even more expensive (20 bucks and up). Apparently, everything was designed for the yacht owners, and they are not poor guys. Therefore, the four poor Russian participants (and the accompanying Belarusians, Ukrainians, Mongols, and Georgians) spent the first two days washing down all sorts of goodies (included in the already paid breakfasts, lunches and dinners) exclusively with mineral water and cola.
On the second evening, we all deeply realized how wrong the organizers were with their unexpected “prohibition law”. If we had known in advance, we would have brought it with us, no problem...
On the third morning, I had breakfast at the hotel before everyone else and an hour before the conference started, I went in search of an alternative source of alcohol.
Having walked about a kilometer along that narrow road to the highway, I saw some kind of roadside minimarket there at a fork in the road, it was already open at 8 in the morning, and (lo and behold!) there was beer! A lot of beer! Just 2 bucks per bank!
I took 8 pieces of Budweiser for 4 Russian participants, already “tired of Narzan”.
I understand that before me, pedestrian shoppers did not often stop by this store at 8 a.m. to stock up on small-batch quantities of beer.
The black lady at the checkout was so shocked that she couldn’t find anything better than to ask me, a bearded man about 40 years old, for ID “to clarify age”!!!
I showed my auntie the “red-skinned passport,” which apparently satisfied her curiosity. Then she probably repeatedly told her colleagues that “out of nowhere, a Russian came to me on foot at 8 in the morning, bought half of the beer supply and took it with him.”
Yes, I forgot to say that I ran into her at 8 am for a beer, albeit on foot, but in a suit and tie, because... right after going for a beer, I had a speech at that conference.
I feel like it was my tie that “finished off” the saleswoman.

Girls! Remember that PENGUINS are swallows that ate after 18-00!

My wife went on a diet, and I’m with her for company. It’s late evening, everyone is asleep, and I’m hungry...
I go to the refrigerator, take out a cutlet, sit down at the table and eat without turning on the light.
Then the eldest son approaches the kitchen. Well, I froze so that he wouldn't notice me.
And he placed a chair next to the switch and turned on the light...
You should have seen my face when I saw my wife... from the other end of the kitchen table!..

I am fat?
- No.
- But it wouldn’t hurt to lose weight, right?
- I like you just like that.
- But I don’t inspire delight, right?
- You cause delight.
- But not crazy, right?..

Honey, I'm on a diet, so I'll only eat lobster, truffles and lobster!
- Why are you being petty! Eat the money right away!

You've lost so much weight! Is this a new diet?
- Yes, carrots, beets and potatoes.
- What did you do, cook or fry?
- Dig!

I love my brother very much. And he loves me.
I left him to look after the apartment while I went on a business trip. And he built an additional function into my refrigerator: as soon as you open the door from eight in the evening to six in the morning, a pleasant female voice is heard:
- Stop eating, cow!
I've already lost six kilograms in two months...

The only chance to lose weight with green tea is to climb mountains to collect it!

I'm losing weight on three diets at once. I can’t get enough of one.

Nutritionist - patient:
- So, here is your diet: per day 300 g of stewed zucchini, 400 g of chicory greens and as many lettuce leaves as you want.
- Doctor, do you need to hang a bell around your neck or can you graze like that?

And why are chocolates wrapped in such a rustling wrapper?
The whole apartment can hear me losing weight...

Dietitian to the patient:
- How much do you weigh?
- Now 116 kg, and the maximum was 121 kg.
- What about the minimum?
- 3 kg 600 g.

Lucy ate like a bird - half her weight a day.

Today I tried to wear summer shorts. But the ass turned out to be still winter...

The kilograms I lost at the gym were patiently waiting for me in the refrigerator...

Remember! Opening the refrigerator after 18:00 turns the princess into a pumpkin!

The most important element in a weight loss diet is sleep!
- How is that?
- I didn’t fall asleep in time - I ate too many pies!

Everyone has their own recipe for happiness. I have a sign on my ceiling: “Tomorrow I’ll quit eating.” Every morning, when I wake up, I see this inscription and think: it’s good that tomorrow, and not today.

1) Take a photo of the figure
2) You eat wildly for six months
3) Take a photo again
4) Swap before and after
5) Post
6) Collect likes
7) Give advice

I constantly want two things: to lose weight and to eat.

A fat, fat woman comes to the doctor and only walks sideways through the door. The doctor tells her:
- Woman, you need to eat less.
- Yes, you know, I don’t eat at all. I just eat up after everyone:
for my husband, for my son, for my daughter, for my grandchildren.
- And you get a pig.
- Also go after her?!

I stepped on the scales... laxative tea, of course, gives its results... but I still have to give a damn about the model...

I am strictly on a diet: yogurt in the morning, tea with lemon at lunch, a light salad of meat, sausage, sour cream, dumplings, chicken, buns and fish for dinner...

Tell me, doctor, what exercises are good for losing weight?
- I recommend that you turn your head from right to left, and from left to right the doctor answered.
- How often?
- Whenever you are treated to a treat!

I wanted to lose five kilograms before summer, seven more to go!

The “butterfly” tattoo on the lower back of a girl who lost 15 kg has turned back into a caterpillar...

We need to stop something urgently!.. Either eat or weigh ourselves...

How can you sleep peacefully knowing that there is a pie lying alone in the refrigerator in the kitchen?

A brick placed on the refrigerator door will save your family from overeating and pleasantly diversify the silence of the night.

I realized that it was time to end the diet when the reaction to an insect running out of the salad became not “Ugh, what kind of disgusting thing?!”, but “Where???!!!”

I bought Chinese tea for weight loss! With cake - awesome!

Weight loss courses. 20 kg per week.
Ryazan quarry, ask Pasha the foreman.

A girl who went off her diet ate a cake to death.

Night falls... civilians fall asleep... dieters wake up and sneak to the refrigerator!

The “I’ll lose weight by summer” season is declared closed...
Season "I'll lose weight by the New Year!" - solemnly opened!!!

Maybe stop eating already?! Look at the ass she ate!
- I want to tell you that you are a so-so waiter.

Damn, your wife has lost so much weight lately.
- And she had nowhere to go. I bought her chic, expensive clothes that she had never even dreamed of. But two sizes smaller.

There are no fat women, but some women are not tall enough for their weight.

If you want to lose weight, eat everything, but don't swallow anything.

As a child, everyone said: “Don’t eat too much sweets - your butt will stick together!” And no one told me the truth, that she would just grow up!

Cry, wash off your makeup, take off your dress and watch,
Spit forty-eight times and... boldly step on the scale!

What else could you eat to lose weight?

If you want to look young and slim, stay close to the old and fat ones.

I'm losing weight, but it keeps finding me!

I envy those whose appetite comes while eating. He came to me once and stayed forever!

Calories are little dirty tricks that come at night and ruin your clothes.

If there were no men in the world, there would be many fat and happy women.

If a woman wants something sweet, she can always convince herself that this cake is dietary.

There is nothing harder than becoming lighter.

The kilograms come without an invitation, but go away with desperate resistance!

Thoughts over a late dinner: “Lord, if only all the calories went to my boobs!”

You need to live your life in such a way that you are not ashamed to reveal your weight.

This morning I stood on the scales, but they fell apart under me. Therefore, I could not determine whether I was fat or not.

Got an appetite? Look at the cellulite!

Extra pounds, unlike men, for some reason stick not to the hips, but to the waist.

Is your belly hitting your knees?
This, girls, is all from laziness!

I have no conscience. I weigh less without it.

A woman is only pleased by the fatness of another woman.

The best diet is shopping without money. The extra pounds come drooling off.

One very cunning fat girl began to wear clothes a size larger so that everyone would think that she had lost weight.

There are times when I get fat. There are times when I lose weight. I don't have any free time.

ANTI-CRISIS DIET:
1. Freeze the sausage, grate it, spread mayonnaise on the bread and sprinkle with grated sausage. Tasty and practical, and most importantly - a lot: one sausage is enough for 5-10 sandwiches.
2. If hunger prevents you from sleeping, quickly pour two glasses of boiling water and go to bed. The brain will not immediately understand that the stomach has been deceived.
3. If you rub black bread with garlic, it smells like sausage.
4. If you freeze an egg, cut it in half and put it in a frying pan, you will get a fried egg with 2 yolks.
5. Tea can be brewed seven times. On the eighth tea leaves float up to look at this greedy person.

A boy wakes up in a hospital room from the phone ringing.
- Hello, good morning. This is your attending physician.
- What's wrong with my tests, doctor?
- Well... No offense - you were diagnosed with syphilis, diphtheria, scarlet fever, plague, smallpox, chickenpox and AIDS.
- !!! A. . Well, do something!!! Treat!!!
- Don’t worry, everything is fine, according to plan... From today you are prescribed the “Pancake Diet”!
- How is that?
- Breakfast - pancakes, lunch - pancakes, dinner - pancakes...
- Will pancakes help?
- Don't know. But this is the only thing that will fit under the door...

The dog's food has run out. Labrador brazenly demands to eat. I had to go to the supermarket...
I’m standing in line at the checkout with a full Pedigree cart. Some mischievous madam behind me asks if I have a dog?
Enough! “No - I bought it for myself! I'm going on a diet. Repeatedly. Although, probably, it’s not worth it, because the last time I was on this diet, I ended up in the hospital... Although before that I managed to lose 25 kilos. And then - bam, and I am in intensive care, with tubes in all places and with needles in both hands.”
The infection won't go away. Wants to know what kind of diet it is and how to stick to it.
Well, okay - I asked for it myself. "Very simple. The diet is simply perfect. You have to carry pockets full of this stuff with you, and every time you feel hungry, eat one or two pieces. In general, a balanced diet, and now you are simply glowing with health! Just like that dog.”
Yeah - the whole line is already interested, especially the dude behind this madam. Hehe...
This is to be expected! She wonders - how did I end up in intensive care?
“What kind of poisoning are you talking about? I was sitting in the middle of the road and licking my balls - that’s when the bus hit me!”
Yes! Madam is fainting, the dude obviously needs an ambulance for her. Well, why beat your head on the floor laughing? But my mood has lifted a little

Diet. At first, you eat only vegetable salads for 3 days, then you sit on kefir alone for 4 days, then you drink only herbal tea for 5 days, then you drink only water for 7 days... Then nine days... Then forty days...

Grandfather and grandmother lived in perfect harmony for 60 years and died on the same day. They open their eyes - there is a blooming garden around, the sun, the air is wonderful, and they themselves are young and beautiful.
Suddenly the grandfather rubs the grandmother on the back of the head: “If it weren’t for your diet of semolina porridge, we would have been here already two years ago!”

Nutritionist - patient:
- So, here is your diet: per day 300 g of stewed zucchini, 400 g of chicory greens and as many lettuce leaves as you want.
- Doctor, do you need to hang a bell around your neck or can you graze like that?

Summer is a great time for a diet of apples, pears, berries and grapes.
In liquid form. Alcoholic.
There's cider, wine, you know. Great diet.

Diet "Stolichnaya"
you spend all your money on renting an apartment and don’t eat anything for a whole month.

Miracle diet - we eat everything and hope for a miracle.

You've lost so much weight! Is this a new diet?
- Yes, carrots, beets and potatoes.
- What did you do, cook or fry?
- Dig!

The kefir diet improves your mood,
if you dilute a package of kefir with a loaf of bread and a loaf of boiled sausage.

Girls, what diet is best?
- Eat buckwheat porridge without anything.
- Naked, or what?

What kind of diet are you on?
- You can't have something tasteless.
- And it helps?
- Don't know. But it's easy to comply.

You look so good, what kind of diet are you on?
- Unemployment.