How to survive betrayal: ways to get rid of pain. What to do if you are betrayed? You helped a man and he betrayed you

Hello, my dear readers. Sometimes things happen in life that make it very difficult to recover from. It’s especially hard if you didn’t expect it at all. In this state, it is very easy to become depressed, lose interest in life, become apathetic and unsure of yourself. Therefore, today I would like to talk about what to do if you have been betrayed by your loved one.

Defensive position

A person is not always able to predict a bad event. Usually you hope for a positive outcome. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I doubt that when a young man meets a girl, falls in love, and begins an affair, he thinks every day before going to bed: when will she stick a knife in my back?

People want to be happy and that's why they don't expect bad things. Except for those who have already stumbled upon betrayal several times. I have one friend who, in principle, does not trust people. His parents abandoned him as a child, then his best friend stole his wife, and his second wife ran away with all their savings. Today he is taking a defensive stance. Like, you don’t trust anyone, you don’t expect anything good from anyone, which means they can’t hurt you.

There is an opposite example in my practice. One woman stumbles upon wicked men time after time. One beat her, another stole money, the third managed to deprive her of almost her apartment, and so on. Each new lover of hers is worse than the previous one. But she continues to believe and hope for a miracle.

Honestly, I’ll tell you that both of these options are not the most acceptable cases for a happy future. One has closed himself off and can easily miss his fate, while the other continues to ignore some basic clues that the person is not the most honest.

A happy person is somewhere in between these two examples. He trusts people, but at first he doesn't let them get too close. And he monitors his actions very well. After all, it is actions that speak about a person, not his words.

Revenge is served cold

I have never been a supporter of vindictive people. To be honest, I never took revenge myself and did not advise anyone to do so. Of course, it is very difficult to be in a situation of betrayal, your soul hurts, there is an endless stream of tears, you wake up at night because you begin to choke.

But for me this has never been a reason to take revenge on a person. Especially if I loved him or still love him. Of course, you can say a lot of unnecessary things based on emotion, everything inside is torn apart and sometimes you just want to give a person a good whack.
I believe that there are more interesting ways to show a person that everything is fine with you and thereby prick him harder.

One of my friends became a victim of betrayal by the man she loved. He left her for a younger woman, although they were about to get married. She was in a very dangerous condition for a month that her sister came from another city to live with her. And one fine day I woke up and realized that I wanted to continue living, that I wanted to find my happiness.

She got a job, changed her wardrobe, became a regular at beauty salons, and after six months she was no longer recognizable. This was a real woman who amazed men with her beauty. And then one day we were sitting in a restaurant, celebrating the birthday of a mutual friend, when suddenly, out of nowhere, our beauty’s ex appeared on the horizon. He came up to say hello with dazed eyes. I asked to meet, but she responded with a categorical refusal. So, he still calls her and begs to meet.

This, in my opinion, is the best example of proving something to your offender. Girls, let the man you love see you happy, beautiful, in love with life and greatly regret that he left you then. The same story can easily play into the hands of young people. Revenge concentrates you on the object of betrayal, freezes you in this state and does not let you go.

Forgiveness

Forgiving a person who betrayed you is very difficult. Sometimes I would even say that it is impossible. But over time, peace comes and at this moment it is very important to let go of the situation and move on. I'm not talking about the forgiveness that you give to a person and take him back. No. I'm talking about your inner forgiveness.

First, forgive yourself. Because such a catastrophe happened in your life, that you fell for the tricks of a traitor, that you did not notice, perhaps, obvious facts. Forgive yourself and let yourself move on.

Second, forgive the person who offended you. For ourselves, inside. Forgive him and let him go. Let him live with this feeling himself. Don't take on all this negativity. This is probably the most difficult thing. And such a moment does not come very soon. Time must pass, you will calm down, emotions will subside and then you can forgive.

Think about yourself first. Punishing the traitor is the work of fate, life and chance, not yours. Your task is to make your life happy, fulfilling, harmonious and the way you want. It doesn’t matter whether you are a girl or an adult man, a woman with children or a youth, rest assured that you still have your whole life ahead of you and so many interesting things will come your way.

If you feel that you cannot cope and cannot find answers to important questions, together we will analyze the situation and find a solution.

What to do

But when such a story happens, you always wonder: how to survive this? To be honest, everything depends only on you. If you want to solve the situation, you will definitely find a way to do it. I sometimes think that people like to suffer too much. Especially in our country.

Remember that you can always turn to a specialist for help. If you understand that you are starting to get stuck in this story and cannot cope on your own, then a good psychologist will definitely help you. It will help you survive the initial stage when the world is falling apart, reach a new level, and, moreover, become a happy person.

Plus, you can throw yourself into your work. Taking a break is a good option. When your head is busy with other things, you simply have no time to think about what happened. But remember that after work you will come home, where there will be walls and you. And that’s where all these thoughts can catch up with you.

It is very important for a person to speak out. If you have good ones, they can always listen to you and give advice that may help you. The less time you spend alone in the beginning, the less likely you will be to get lost in your own thoughts about the topic.

If you are now in a difficult situation, you have been betrayed and you don’t know what to do, contact me for help. Together we will cope with any situation, overcome all troubles and reach a new level. You will become a happy, contented and joyful person.

I am sure that everything in your life will be wonderful. Patience and strength to you!

After reading your letter, I saw what was going on in your soul - in your own words. May grace come upon you! But do what you can yourself - pray, pray for good!

Prayer is the movement we make to get out of the swamp. This is our attempt to see our soul in the Divine light, where there is no place for the darkness that so often surrounds us. In prayer, the soul “shakes off” this darkness and says to it: “No!” When we pray, we feel like children of God, children of the Great Father, Enlightening everyone, children of the All-Bountiful Savior, in whose hands are the keys to joy and happiness. This is why we should not put up with sadness and depression.

What is the cause of depression? If we are not talking about a medical diagnosis (when, first of all, medication is necessary), then our sadness develops from mental dissatisfaction as a result of some kind of offense - for example, betrayal.

We begin to wish for something that for some reason did not happen. And it seems to us that if we received this, our condition would improve. “I’m depressed,” says the young girl, “because my boyfriend left me. He left, he betrayed, he offended me...” We think that we have lost something, and that if it were returned to us, there would be no depression.

But you can say it differently! “Why don’t I get it back? Not what left me, but the feelings it evoked in me!” So, the young man left the girl. He hurt her deeply, he betrayed her, and now she begins to feel depressed.

How did you feel when you were together? – I’ll ask you. – You felt full, your soul was filled with happiness, your heart rejoiced, you wanted to live, to fight... Life had meaning, you looked around and rejoiced at everything around you. Your loved one evoked wonderful feelings and sensations in you. And now he has left you, and with him your wonderful inner state has left you.

And I want to offer you something - just as an idea. Would you like to try to get that feeling back? The feeling of completeness, grace, bliss, happiness and joy - what did you have before? Even if the person who caused these feelings is not with you now? Perhaps he was just a reason for the joy that always lives in you to spill out! And now this person, this “reason for joy,” is gone. But you can certainly find a new reason to feel this joy again!

Because happiness lives within us. And it was not this person who made you happy, who is a mere mortal. An ordinary person - a material body, a collection of cells and molecules - cannot make another person happy. What makes us happy? What lives inside us. And people and events are only a reason for this internal state to come out.

Try to feel this through prayer. It will help you feel happiness as it is - without the influence of external “irritants”. It gives a feeling of completeness, joy, happiness, love and meaning in life. Prayer helps us return to life. It nourishes the soul like water, the source of which is in the other world. Look at the saints and ascetics! They are beaming with happiness. Even if it is not possible to see them in person, their lives and patristic books testify to this... People came to them and saw that their faces were always joyful...

One young man who recently returned from New York told me:

– Father, how happy I am that I visited New York! I was in Manhattan - it's incredible! What a scale! How impressive all this is!

He was happy because he saw so much in New York. And someone visited Disneyland, someone visited Florida, or somewhere else - and all these trips became a reason for joy. People were filled with positive emotions - thanks to other people, beautiful buildings, shopping, delicious food, everything that, in principle, should not be condemned.

I just want to say that the joy that an ordinary person experiences when visiting Manhattan with its shops and fun nightlife, the ascetic feels without all this. And its feeling is even more intense because it lasts much longer. After all, after a wonderful trip, we board the plane and say to ourselves: “That’s it. Time to go home". And we experience despondency because pleasant emotions leave us. And the ascetic knows how to find in his soul such a chink from which joy and happiness emerge again and again.

And for this he doesn’t have to see a skyscraper or climb the Eiffel Tower. He doesn’t need to go somewhere or travel. He is happy thanks to someone else. And we must find this other thing in ourselves - after all, it lives in us. The source of joy is in our heart, because Christ is there, and He is the Source of joy.

And we ourselves kill Christ in our soul, not allowing Him to show us all the beautiful things that He can give. And if we do not learn to revive Christ in our hearts, we will constantly suffer and never find the answer. And we will live in constant anticipation of new travels or relationships, in the hope of becoming happier, at least for a little while.

And as long as this new thing continues, we are good. But when it ends, we start going crazy. And even when it is not over yet, we cannot feel truly good, because we are afraid of losing it, that is, a feeling of anxiety is mixed with our joy. For example, you are happy that your loved one is nearby, but at the same time you are afraid of losing him, and therefore you think:

– Yes, today we feel very good, but how long will this last? What if tomorrow he leaves me, if he betrays me? What if he gets sick and dies? What if he leaves?

This uncertainty prevents us from truly rejoicing. And when we see how happy other people are, we begin to envy them. And we think:

- I don’t have a loved one, but he does! Why?

And we begin to compare, envy, get angry, because we are afraid of losing our happiness. "Will I have it?" We reason this way because the feeling of joy that we experience at the moment is fueled from the outside. Our happiness exists only thanks to this nourishment.

That's why I say: try to find the secret of happiness in yourself. When your beloved was nearby, you said: “He looks into my eyes, and I come to life.”

So you knew the feeling of resurrection. Great! Is it possible to feel it without a loved one? When he doesn't look into your eyes? Look in the mirror and say:

- Lord, thank you! Because I am a human being. Because my soul and life are beautiful. Because I am unique and unrepeatable on this planet!

After all, there is no other person on earth like you! You are unique. Everyone is unique, we are all unique. And remembering at least this one thing, you will certainly think:

“I don’t need anyone to constantly talk about how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him.” After all, first I feel my importance, my value, and then, if this person disappears from my life, I go crazy.

No, when you have loved ones, it's wonderful! I don't mean at all that they don't exist. And I don’t downplay the importance of the pain after the breakup that drove you to depression. But you should not depend on another person to such an extent that, having lost him, you lose your mind. Be close to your loved one, rejoice, enjoy, but remember that if you have to lose him, you always have a secret, thanks to which you will regain the joy that you experienced while being next to your loved one.

That is, at any moment you can say:

- I'm glad we're together. I am happy with you, you give me a lot, but know that I will not be lost without you. And I can cope without you. There is a button inside me, by pressing it, I revive my hope, self-esteem, love of God. And I feel good. Do not you love me anymore? Are you leaving? You betrayed me? Well, God loves me, and I feel good, and I pray, and hope, and think about a wonderful future. Not everything is lost. I can handle.

It's hard for you to say this now because you're in so much pain. After all, when our heart is torn away from another person, it bleeds. A similar feeling occurs when a person is kicked out of work, because in this case it is not only about material damage - we lose our sense of self-worth. I get fired and I say to myself:

- That's it, I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm useless.

What do you mean, you're not worth anything? Does your worth depend on your workplace? No, you always provide value. But because you are wholeheartedly attached to your work and completely identified with it, you say:

– Work is everything to me! I am my work.

But you are not your job. And God gave you the opportunity to understand this. It’s as if he told you: “ Let me take your work away from you for a little while. So that you can finally see your other talents. You thought that you draw strength exclusively from there, but I want to show you: you underestimate yourself. And now your importance is even greater, My child!»

That’s why I’m talking about holy ascetics who have practically nothing. And if you take away what they have, they will say:

- Take it! I am not attached to this thing to such an extent that it is a source of great joy for me. Here, in my cell there is a beautiful pen with which I write. Take her!

Maybe you read about how one ascetic chased after thieves - not in order to catch them, but in order to give them what they did not have time to steal. He ran and shouted after them:

- My children, you forgot something! Take it!

And the thieves got scared and said to each other:

– This is the first time we’ve seen this! Someone else in his place would immediately call the police, but this one is running after us to give us more things! Why?

Because the ascetic knew how to be happy without these things.

I understand that this is very difficult. Therefore, I do not encourage you to cope with your depression and despondency in one or two days. It takes time - months, maybe even years.

It is necessary to learn the lessons that the Lord teaches us - through the blows dealt by life, through separations, partings. It's like peeling off a Band-Aid - first we stick it on a wound, and when it comes time to peel it off, it can be very difficult to do. After all, the patch is firmly stuck to the skin, and your actions cause severe pain. But this must be done.

Translation by Elizaveta Terentyeva

Betrayal can take many forms. A loved one who has an affair, a close friend who spreads bad rumors about you, a business partner who runs away with the money and leaves you to deal with creditors are just a few typical examples.

I come across stories like this from time to time in my work, and what strikes me most is the emotional reaction it evokes in those who have been its victims. It causes wounds, confidence crumbles into dust, and shame often lurks beneath the rage and amazement.

Some people react to betrayal by hiding from the world and avoiding communication altogether. Sometimes they try to keep the fact itself secret - especially when it comes to personal life. The victim of adultery may not want to make the incident public for fear of public shame.

Isolation condemns us to loneliness and alienation, which can ultimately result in depression

The one who was betrayed is not to blame for what happened, but he may feel responsible for it and feel shame. In therapy, I often ask clients, “Why are you so ashamed? Were you the one who changed/stole/lyed/spread rumors?”

By hiding information about a painful event from others, we thereby deprive ourselves of the opportunity to receive support or see what happened from a different point of view. Because of this, we begin to blame ourselves for naivety or argue that we ourselves provoked the betrayal. Isolation condemns us to loneliness and alienation, which can ultimately result in depression. But to successfully heal trauma, we need just the opposite.

How to heal from the trauma of betrayal and regain your confidence?

1. Allow yourself to process what happened. Some people take action immediately, but it's okay to give yourself time before reacting. This is especially important if you have thoughts of revenge.

2. Take care of yourself- both physically and emotionally. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and be kind to yourself.

3. Try to protect yourself from further damage, which the “traitor” can inflict on you. For example, if a business partner turns out to be financially unscrupulous, deal with financial issues as quickly as possible. If you have been cheated on, but you decide not to break off the relationship yet, protect yourself from possible diseases.

4. Tell someone you trust about your experiences. This is not the time to hide. Communicate more often with those who value you, know your best qualities well, and will help you maintain your self-esteem.

5. Don't take blame for what happened. Remind yourself why you were in a relationship with this person and what you hoped for. Show compassion to yourself, remembering that betrayal is quite common and many have experienced this.

Sometimes after it it seems that we can no longer trust anyone. It is important to maintain relationships with people who can help us, communication with whom gives us strength and brings joy. Don't let what happened ruin your relationships with those who have never done anything wrong to you. Try to find time every day to talk about something pleasant and positive.

Recovering from betrayal will take time. During this period, it is important to treat yourself with the utmost kindness and attention. You deserve it.

Question for psychologists

I am 35 years old, my husband and I have been divorced for 3 years, but we live together, since we have a 9-year-old child and my husband said that he has no one else (women) and he does not need love in life (including me). Now I am 8 months pregnant with my ex-husband (not planned) and recently I found out that he has love for another woman (constant SMS, comes home late, said that when the child is born he will go to live separately). I was betrayed for the second time, I cannot maintain the calm that is so necessary in my position. Seeing this relationship, the child begins to have breakdowns, so he has to be given sedatives. I don’t even want to live, I want to bury myself somewhere deeper so that no one will find it... When the child’s dad is better at home, he is happier, but what should I do? I love him, I want affection, tenderness, kisses, but this is not there and there is no hope that there will be either.

Hello, Olga! The situation is really quite difficult psychologically both for you (in your condition) and for the child! However, you yourself understand that your husband cannot give you that care and family happiness, and moreover, knowing that he will not be with you, he really betrayed you, deliberately leaving you with two children in your arms. All this does not indicate his seriousness and responsibility both to you and to the children! However, you yourself should accept the fact that he will not be with you, so as not to torment yourself and wait until he returns (and thereby not be in a state of tension, which affects both children)! If you need help and support, you can contact me - to work through the moment of dependence with your husband and free your emotions and feelings, accept them and set new goals! Also now it is worth paying attention to the child (older) - for him it will be really stressful and also a betrayal (he also needs help in realizing this fact and, to the extent possible, accepting it) - after all, the child also needs to understand exactly what feelings he is experiencing, and understand why this happens in families - also if it is difficult for a child to understand and accept all this, you can also treat the child (work through his emotions, attitude towards his father and men in general, and also his attitude towards you - in the sense that you too I need his help, just as you need his). Contact me, I will be glad to help you!

Olya, now it’s certainly very difficult for you and you don’t want to live and bury yourself somewhere deeper so that no one will find you. But, you remember the story: what was usually done with traitors? Your husband has a slightly different picture of the world than you and different values. It hurts, but you have to understand and accept that it’s better without a traitor than with him. After all, he will betray again. This is his credo. We must try to cope with emotions. Without a specialist it will be difficult; the situation is actually very difficult. Don't delay, help yourself. After all, you are unique, beautiful, smart. You are the only one, there will never be another like you, remember this! Who is he? Traitor and that's it!

Olga, the situation is not pleasant... But! It is important to look at it realistically: You have been divorced for 3 (three!) years. Living in the same territory does not mean that you are husband and wife, relationships as sexual partners - yes, there is/was an unconscious (or?) desire to “attach” your ex-husband with a child (a mistake of many women, alas). If a man is divorced, then he is free to choose a new life partner, why accuse him of betrayal? There was sex between you mutual desire and distribute responsibility for what happened equally. You had the right to refuse. Or agree. Everyone makes a choice.

I would pay attention to the words “I don’t want to live, I want to bury myself somewhere deeper so that no one will find” - this indicates some problems that are not related to this story with my husband, maybe it’s about your birth, about death in family, about betrayals in family history, about difficult births...

2. What is happening to your child. You write that he started having breakdowns. It’s a pity that you don’t write in more detail: how they manifest themselves, have you tried talking to your child, explaining what’s happening. Or, given the fact that you do not have enough resources for self-support, it is even more difficult for you to support your child. What is your relationship with your child? From your letter it seems that he gravitates more towards dad. Or do you perceive their communication so keenly that you and your ex-husband do not have? Perhaps all these difficulties have alienated you and your child from each other. If this is the case, it is important not to let the situation go, but to begin rapprochement as early as possible. After all, with the birth of a baby, the situation may worsen even more in the sense that the older child will receive even less attention. And it is not known how he will cope with this.

Treason is the violation of an oath of allegiance or duty, most often to the Motherland. Often, adultery, leaving a friend in need, and apostasy from the faith are also called betrayal. In Christianity, betrayal is considered one of the most serious sins.

When a loved one betrays you, the pain can be so intense that it seems like you are already in hell. But that's not true. I'll tell you what picture I saw. In your case, the picture may be different, because everyone has their own inner world.

Night. There is not a star in the sky. Winter. Penetrating cold. Steppe. Scanty dry stems of last year's grass stick out through the snow. And a wolf howl. And loneliness. And the realization that there is no one for many miles around...

And in your soul is the image of a loved one who pulled you out of your cozy world and threw you here like an unnecessary thing. And he turned his back to you. You want to shout to him: “For what?!”, but there’s a lump stuck in your throat. You know that he won't hear you...

And I don’t want ANYTHING! The only salvation seems to be that if you curl up into a ball, clasp your hands tightly around your knees pulled up to your chin and close your eyes tightly, you will be able to forget yourself and the pain will recede. But she doesn't back down. It turns you inside out. It seems that someone’s ruthless hand has reached into your soul and is trying to tear it out by the roots...

Also, if you have girlfriends or other close people, you hear their voices. But as if not nearby, but from outside, from another world, from where you were expelled. And you vaguely understand how they say to you: “Spit!”, “Forget!”, “Be strong!”, but these words mean nothing to you. They make no sense here, in this dank steppe.

What to do when it seems like there is no way out?

Take my word for it, there is a way out, and more than one.

First, you can go to a psychologist. I've never used it myself, but they say it helps.

Secondly. Remember firmly: if you remain lying under the blanket, swallowing snot and listening to the lamentations of your relatives, your condition may last for an indefinite period of time and become chronic. And the worst thing is that you may lose faith in people. Burn it into your brain with a hot iron: if one person turns out to be a nit, this is not a reason to blame all of humanity!

Now, get up and go!

The first thing you need to do is surrender to the power of your pain. Howl, scream, bite the pillow, roar, sob. In general, undergo an intensive course of shock therapy in full. The more actively you do this, the faster the pain will go away. MANDATORY: make a schedule for yourself: for example, from 8 to 9 and from 20 to 21 o’clock - suffering. And please, stick to the schedule!

If you want to chew your snot during the breaks between the hours specially designated for this, suffer for your health, it won’t get any worse. But if you want to cheat and at the appointed time do something else instead of suffering, remember: the smaller portion of suffering you experience today, the more will be left “for later,” i.e. it will stretch out over time.

Attention! If you feel that you will not be able to withstand such an intensive course, set yourself a time of less than an hour. As much as you can stand without falling into hysterics. But in any case, it is imperative to suffer according to a schedule!

You will soon notice that if at first you didn’t have enough time to suffer, then every day you calm down faster and faster. For example, you began to suffer at eight o’clock, and at 8:30 you already began to think that it was time to renovate the kitchen. Don't cheat! We decided from eight to nine, which means from eight to nine! Write your story down on paper in as much detail as possible. Pick up your notes and re-read them! Refresh your memory of how vilely they treated you, and continue to suffer for another half hour.

And don’t try to run away from your pain, it will catch up with you. Don't hibernate, it will give you nightmares. Don't try to push it inside, it will gnaw at you from the inside. Give her free rein (but on a short leash), she will quickly get tired of tormenting you on a schedule. She will quickly understand who is the boss here and run away.

And now - the most important thing! End each suffering with the words: “Thank you, Lord!” You must say this phrase 12 times. Whether you believe in God or not does not matter. This is your own business. The main thing is that it works! The only condition here is that you must thank sincerely.

And for this you must understand that in nature everything is harmonious. There is nothing superfluous and nothing lacking. Moreover, all processes occurring in nature are aimed at evolution, that is, from simple to complex, from weak to strong, from ugly to beautiful. This means that what happened to you in the end should lead you to the better. You don't know yet how it will happen, but it will happen! This is the law of nature! For this, give thanks.

How long should you continue to do this exercise? You will feel it yourself. Just at one moment you will realize that the pain is gone. This can be from several hours to a month or even more. Everything depends on you. I can say from myself that if I relieved the pain from the first (and last) betrayal for more than two months, now I get out of ANY stress in a couple of hours at most.

When the pain goes away, burn the piece of paper with your notes and flush it down the toilet!

And at the end of the exit from this whole vile story - forgive your offender! I understand that this is very difficult to do. Perhaps much more difficult than relieving pain. But you must do this so that nothing like this ever happens to you again.

Take action! I'm sure you will succeed.

And God grant you that this will be the last betrayal in your life!

Elena Bogushevskaya