How to ignore human provocations. Don't insult your interlocutor, even if he insults you

For 2 weeks of vacation I was looking for an answer to the question: what to do with provocations, how not to give in? I asked all my family and friends, even on the train.

There were, in fact, few answers, most often that the provocateur was a vampire. What should I do?- There were no councils. Retiring, of course, is the ideal solution. But when the provocateur is your neighbor...

What to do with provocations?

And then at night on the train it dawned on me that PROVOCATION IS WAR. I remembered the beginning of World War II. Germany had to attack Poland, there was no reason. Then, on the Polish border, the German border radio station was allegedly captured by the Poles. In fact, they were SS men dressed in Polish uniforms.

LOVE YOUR PROVOCATOR IF YOU CAN - tip 5

Love does miracles. In addition, if you try to respond to provocations by fighting, nothing will happen except a planned war. Only peaceful intentions can help avoid war with your neighbor.

“I have provocateurs, I’m not going to love them!”- this is the first reaction of my first reader. Loving is the most difficult advice to put into practice, but understanding the advantages of peace over war is accessible to everyone.

Control button.
It is terribly difficult not to give in to provocations. Provocations are designed to ensure that the other person reads the habitual format of behavior, finds out what this behavior depends on, and at the right moment presses the button to control us. Even if this person is one month old. An observant mother is surprised to notice that her child begins to scream not because he is hungry or wet, but because he wants to be rocked.

How to instill provocative behavior in children.
Wise grandmothers used to teach young mothers: “Don’t handle them, you’ll spoil them.” The mother, busy with housework, quickly learned to distinguish between the hungry cry of the baby and the hysterical one when the baby began to “play to the public.” Now the situation has changed. A bunch of smart books for mothers teach her not to let go of her child, to run to him at the first cry. This is how hysterical provocative behavior is fostered. The kid, the flower of life, begins to talk and finds out that he can cause a scandal in the store and they will buy him a toy. Further, it turns out that you can threaten a hunger strike, and they won’t bother you at school. You can scare your companion that he will do something to himself, and he or she will be afraid of her or leaving him for another. Of course, these same skills are used at work. This is how a person is brought up who learns not to make personal efforts to achieve his goals, but to manipulate others so that they move.

We live in an age of provocations.
Previously, provocations were the preserve of the rich and powerful. Let us remember that usually peasant family There simply wasn’t enough time for constant provocations. Now the situation has changed. Anyone can engage in provocation or become its victim. It is interesting that provocations are sometimes approved at the highest government level. When children are taught to frighten their parents with denunciations, this is the education not of a free personality, but of a provocateur. Parents, afraid to rein in their children, are happy to push them into life on the neck of the state, let it now deal with them. The masses, trained in provocations from childhood, begin to arrange provocations for the state. They buy benefits or sick leave for themselves en masse.

How to avoid provocations.
Provocations can and should be avoided. Firstly, we observe our behavior when we do not do what we ourselves need, that is, we do something, but it does not become good and calm. If a person does something that is not profitable for him, something he later regrets, then after what words or whose signals does this behavior turn on? A person is insulted or told something, and he, having lost face, shouts back for a long time. Who benefits from this? In order not to succumb to provocations, you need to remember the offender or manipulator and write down in a visible place: “Someone can insult or influence me so that I start screaming or do something or think in a way that is not beneficial for me.” Believe me, it’s better to write it down and put it in a visible place. Now the provocateur is not scary. He screams, but there is no answering cry, there is polite bewilderment. Observers are on the side of an experienced person who did not succumb to provocations. He himself, who skillfully avoided the provocation, retained his face and energy. But the failed provocateur lost both.
If the usual behavior is such that a person worries for a long time after the insult and tries to improve relations with the offender, then he should write: “You can speak to me respectfully or not at all.” Walking away after the first offensive word or tone, no matter who is right and whose next fault is, is a strong argument against provocations. This is how the provocateur is re-educated and becomes a nice person.

Common reaction.
Do you know what the usual reaction to a provocateur is? A woman says about her husband who takes her out: “He has a difficult character, you can’t make him angry.” The subordinate worries about the boss’s mood today. A political opponent, having lost face, shouts at a debate that opposite side- this is the most terrible thing you can imagine. Who is winning? A husband who keeps his wife strict; a boss who rules without any criticism; a politician who refrained from shouting and stupid insults and gained ratings with voters. So in such cases we are controlled. Do we agree with this?

Read about various provocations:

In certain situations and for certain relationships, there is no point in aggravating the relationship, but defusing the situation with a cheerful friendly laugh is the sweetest thing. Despite the fact that you “remain on the horse,” and the attacker is somewhere down there.

So, how not to succumb to provocation, fail a verbal attack in your direction and defuse the situation with general, friendly laughter?

“Boomerang” technique in verbal skirmishes...- You irritate me - And how you irritate me... - And you’re funny - And how funny you are... - I see, don’t put your finger in your mouth - I see, don’t put your finger in your mouth either... - “How are you behaving "I can't be upset! - You can't be upset - split in two!" (like: “At first I split into two, and then, regarding how I split into two...” Quartet “I”)

Technique “I am much worse”- You're a slob - No, I'm much worse, moreover, I also have problems with... - I see you're mired in problems - What are you..., everything is much worse... - You have unreliable partners! - And my friends are even worse.

"What's this…"- How did you act the fool? - What is it..., that’s when I... (further your funny story) - Why did you do that? - What, I remember how Pasha once did... (further funny story about "Pasha").

“So what, but...”- “You’re a fool - So what, but I’ll pleasantly highlight your mind” - “You constantly make the same mistakes - So what, but I don’t have to strain and come up with new ones” - This is stupid - But how ornate.. .

IN Ancient Greece, Diogenes of Sinope became famous for his ability to respond blow to blow. His antics are written about in many ancient works. Before becoming an eccentric and philosopher, Diogenes was engaged in minting coins. But he was soon caught cutting off money. Later, his enemies more than once reminded him of this “sin of youth.” “So what,” Diogenes answered them, “in childhood I not only cut coins, but also wet the bed!” Ill-wishers once reproached Diogenes for visiting evil and indecent places. “So what,” Diogenes objected. – And the sun sometimes looks into the cesspool. But that doesn’t make it dirtier” (from Igor Vagin’s book “How to put your interlocutor in his place. Methods of verbal attack”).

The ability to easily, and most importantly, funny, talk about your shortcomings, disarms your enemies - why continue to cling to you if you are not clinging (and in general there is nothing to cling to).

Let's continue... Preventing verbal attacks... Verbal attacks can not only be reduced to absurdity, but also preempted, circumvented, by saying in advance what they want to say in response to you, and object.

So you entered and now you will begin... “Take this away, do that...” - Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking about this: “what a pig has settled here...”, moreover, I know that you will continue to tell me you say...

“Would you like to...” technique- “Why are you quiet? - Would you like me to get mad?” - “And you’re a trickster... - Well, so what, would you like me to be a slob?” - “You are a miser! - Would you like me to be forced to beg?” - “I think you drink too much! - Would it be better if I ate a lot?” - “Why are you walking like you’ve been bitten? - Would you like me to walk like you’ve been bitten?”

Technique “Better this way than that...”- “Your fly is unzipped! - Better an unbuttoned fly than an unzipped wallet” - What you have on your head is not a hairstyle, but a trash heap! - It’s better to have a garbage dump on your head than in your head! And also: - I don’t believe it! - And I can’t believe it either - Alexander said about you that you’re a complete cretin... - Come on... did you hit him hard on the head? - You only think about yourself! - Yes, who else should I think about? - You're an idiot - Yes, no, I'm not an idiot, I'm just in a bit of a playful mood today. Why are you so serious? - Girl, I saw you somewhere - It’s quite possible, I go there often... - “You talk too much on the phone! - It’s good that I have someone to chat with...” - “It looks like they forgot you during the operation put my brains back in! - Yes, and since then I’ve been at an ideal weight.”

Technique “Turn on the fool”- You're a fool - I'm undergoing treatment... - How fat you've become - And have you noticed too? That’s why the bridge swayed under me today... - You’re an upstart! - Yes, and I’m proud of it... - Why are you so insecure? - Near beautiful woman I’m always at a loss, I blush, I’m timid... - You’re a drunkard, an ugly person - Yes, it happens a little, Yes, you’re a parasite - Yes, there’s a little... - Yes, not a little, but a lot - Yes, anything can happen... (well, how to talk to someone like that? - early or late everyone starts smiling...) - Why are you so stupid? - Sorry, I’m stupid today, I don’t understand well, it seems to me that what you said is just some kind of set of words.

Don’t turn on the fool - Yes, I didn’t turn it off... - And you’re funny - Yes, I know, we’ve already said...

Examples from the book by Litvak M.E. "Psychological Aikido":- You - How quickly you realized that I was a fool. I managed to hide this from everyone for so many years. With your insight, a great future awaits you! I'm just surprised that your bosses haven't appreciated you yet!

The scene that took place on the bus: – How long will you continue to poke around?! - Long - But this is how my coat can fit on my head! - Maybe - There’s nothing funny! - Indeed, there is nothing funny (there was friendly laughter). The text also used from Igor Vagin’s books “Hare, become a tiger”, “How to put your interlocutor in his place. Methods of verbal attack.”

Provocateurs lie in wait for us when we least expect a trick. It’s worth relaxing, and then someone appears who wants to bring you out of your state of complacency, anger, outrage. Provocateurs manipulate us, and even relatives and friends may belong to their group.

Probably everyone had to be exposed to verbal provocations. A person provocateur is capable of infuriating almost any complacent person.

What do we mean by provocation?

This is an action or words aimed at causing a certain reaction in him. And, as a rule, these are conscious actions. Provocateurs may turn out to be among our loved ones, friends, work colleagues. These could be complete strangers. The favorite pastime of provocateurs is to provoke others into conflicts in order to then act either as peacemakers or as victims.

There are many methods of provocation, and those who have mastered them easily manipulate people, achieving the desired emotional state and behavioral response from them. Provocation is used to deprive a person of the ability to reason sensibly, to suppress him morally, to make him nervous, to make excuses, to cause a feeling of guilt, etc.

With the help of provocation, you can find out other people's secrets or necessary information. A simple example: “You are in a hurry to get home; your wife and children are probably waiting for you?” The correct answer is: “I’m not married.”

Blaming loved one in greed, you can provoke him to give a gift. A stubborn person with a tendency to do the opposite of what he is asked to do is provoked by a provocateur to take the action he needs by asking him to do the exact opposite of what he needs.

In “skillful hands,” provocation is a great force that allows you to achieve what you want. However, there are ways to understand that we are facing a provocateur and not follow his lead.

How not to allow yourself to be manipulated, or How to deal with provocateurs

There are several principles by adhering to which you can protect yourself from provocations.

1. Explore your character weaknesses

Vulnerabilities, or Everyone has an Achilles heel. And provocateurs sometimes know about our weaknesses better than we do. They are observant and immediately notice what exactly can confuse, upset or confuse us. They will make good use of their observations as long as we meet their expectations.

As soon as we show that their methods do not work on us, they will not immediately, but give up their attempts. Of course, sometimes manipulators-provocateurs do not want to quickly accept defeat and begin to probe new weak spots to continue to feel superior and be in control of the situation.

However, their attempts can serve us well: with their help, we can better understand ourselves. Having analyzed the situation, we must ask why we “lost it”, allowed ourselves to be drawn into conflict, allowed ourselves to be manipulated.

Provocateurs determine ours before us vulnerabilities, so let’s take advantage of their “hint” and develop a line of behavior, strengthen our defense, and show that they will no longer be able to take us by surprise.

It is useful to develop the ability to look at what is happening from the outside: perhaps this will cool our ardor and we will not allow ourselves to be drawn into the trap of conflict.

2. Realize that we are dealing with a provocation

We have all noticed that there are the same people and communicating with them is easy and simple. You can always negotiate with them and find mutual language, even if the current situation threatens to turn into a conflict. People of another category have the ability to create conflict out of the blue, and after communicating with them, we feel wounded, confused, outraged, offended, etc. If such emotional states we have problems almost every time after communicating with such people, which means that we are faced with provocateurs.

“Whoever says: “Russia is for Russians,” you know, it’s hard to resist characterizing these people - these are either dishonest people who don’t understand what they’re saying, and then they’re just idiots, or provocateurs,” .

So, in order to understand that we have a provocateur in front of us, trying to involve us in, we need pay attention to emotions and their intensity, which our interlocutor evokes in us.

3. Determine the type of provocateur

You can determine the purpose of the provocation, “resist” the provocateur and develop immunity to his methods if you establish the type to which he belongs: amateur provocateurs, strategic provocateurs, or provocateurs who love to rule.

Type amateur provocateurs familiar to many: they do not tolerate disagreement with their opinion. A point of view other than their own is intolerant for them and causes attacks of aggression towards the interlocutor. They do not know how and do not want to control their emotions and follow their lead. Often the provocateur himself presents himself as a victim, falling into hysterics with tears, and thus achieves what he wants, taking advantage of the fact that those around him want to quickly.

With provocateurs of this type, you need to behave detachedly, mentally setting yourself protective barrier. As they say, do not add fuel to the fire and do not let the fire flare up. Our detachment and impenetrability will show that he is wasting his energy in vain.

Provocateurs-strategists Often it turns out to be our work colleagues. They are also found among seemingly good acquaintances. It is more difficult to recognize and deal with “strategists” than with “amateurs” who openly provoke. “Strategists” most often act behind their backs. They spread rumors and gossip, weave intrigues, having a specific goal: to discredit someone, to expose themselves better light and achieve promotion at work; quarrel between spouses in order to take the place of one of them, etc.

Having discovered such a person in your environment, you need to try to determine the purpose of his manipulations. It is quite possible that there is no “crime” in them, and its goal will coincide with ours. If not, then it is better to stay away from the provocateur, but do not let him out of sight, so as not to become an object of manipulation.

People provocateurs who love to rule, to subjugate and control, was also met by everyone. And they do this in order to feel their own importance. Usually “power seekers” have a good sense of who is and who is not: psychologically strong people They do not touch, but try to control the psychologically weak, which they often succeed. At the same time, they easily guess the vulnerable traits in a person’s character, with the help of which they keep him in submission.

You can avoid getting caught in the web of such a manipulator, who often hides behind the best intentions, only by maintaining a neutral position and not letting you get too close to yourself.

4. Assess the situation and choose a reaction

Having identified the provocateur and his type, there is no need to try to understand him, much less justify his actions. Otherwise, we will fall under its “spell” and risk becoming an object. On the contrary, we must develop an appropriate line of behavior:

1. Ask the provocateur directly about what he is trying to achieve (for example, “Do I understand correctly that you are provoking me to...”);
2. Calmly express your emotions (“I don’t like that you publicly discuss my mistakes”);
3. Use metaphors to point out differences in positions or opinions (“I have the impression that we speak different languages”).

Often both interlocutors are provocateurs. In this case, it can only be avoided if one of them consciously makes a concession.

When faced with a provocateur, we must not forget that his goal is to throw us off balance. This means we must remain calm so as not to allow ourselves to be manipulated. Following the well-known recommendation: counting to ten or taking several deep breaths is not so easy in a state of emotional arousal, but it is necessary. This will “slow down” the psyche, calm our thoughts, which means we will be able to adequately respond to provocation and deceive the manipulator’s expectations.

If you asked what trait is inherent in the “generation zero”, I would definitely name one: intemperance in words and assessments. Destructive language, swearing and excessive aggressiveness towards even the slightest deviations from your ideas about the world and “correctness” are just the tip of the iceberg. People provoke verbal conflict on the Internet in order to get banned or become a victim of trolling; V real life- to attract the attention of others to you, to make you out to be a source of conflict, or simply to simply obtain grounds for using force against you.

On the Internet and in offline life, you are provoked to aggression and a violent reaction quite often. How to avoid stooping to the level of someone who provokes you?

1. Stop for a moment and evaluate what the argument is about.

99% of provocations are meaningless in their form, but clearly oriented in essence. It is important for the one who provokes you to release your aggression: this way he will be able to control you and direct your behavior and emotions in the direction that this person or group of people needs. Fear, rage, hatred, misunderstanding, loss of a sober assessment of the situation - this is what people need who provoke you in a chat or in personal verbal communication. Don't give them a reason to change the situation in a direction that benefits them. If the essence of the dispute is banal “haiting for fun”, you can’t hope to find a rational grain in such a provocation.

2. Always continue to communicate politely and calmly.

Spotted on personal experience that switching to higher tones only winds up the interlocutor. But communicating in a measured, confident and unhurried tone, on the contrary, forces the “presumptuous” person to reduce the pace and rhetoric.

3. Don’t insult your interlocutor, even if he insults you

It is especially important when communicating with those who by position and physical strength surpasses you. For a police officer, “retaliatory rudeness” is an excellent reason to issue a fine, lock you up for 15 days “for disobedience,” or use special equipment on you. For a crowd of street punks, this is a reason not only to take your wallet away, but also to beat you severely and brutally. There are situations in which the instinct of self-preservation must prevail over the desire to achieve justice throughout the world. In addition, an argument in the language of an illiterate / illiterate person is a sure step “down a step”, and not a way to prove one’s superiority or defeat an opponent.

4. Don’t argue about politics with people you don’t know/strangers

Disputes about politics - . The dispute with absolutely strangers or random fellow travelers / interlocutors in the club threatens to either escalate into a fight, or become a reason for deliberate provocation from various “people in uniform” (in some countries both near and far abroad, the latter is on par with accusations of “dissent” and “propaganda of false values” it will even happen much more likely and faster than the usual desire to wave one’s fists at a political “opponent”).

5. Don’t say/write anything you can’t do

The Internet has accustomed us to relative impunity: hiding behind avatars, nicknames and properly setting up the confidentiality of our profiles on social networks and online services, we constantly cannot resist the temptation to get personal with complete strangers, teach them about life, wisdom - and some, especially the “talented” ones, even manage to threaten random interlocutors with physical harm in the comments. Remember that such “impunity” is relative.

6. Bring any started task/phrase to its logical conclusion

For threats to go to court or for insults, for unfounded demands and for justified claims - you must be held accountable for all this. It’s fine when someone else bears such responsibility. It’s worse if you inadvertently find yourself in this role. So don't say, demand or promise to do anything you don't actually mean to do. Even on the Internet. And it’s not even that the screenshots don’t work.

7. Health is always more valuable

And in particularly complex and “neglected” cases of verbal provocations, when in front of you is not just an Internet troll or a street hooligan, but a person with clearly inadequate habits and ideas, I recommend not to forget a simple rule: it is better to appear like a coward to a mentally ill person or a scumbag, than to suffer or even lose your life because of an absurd desire to “prove” something to people who are at odds with their heads and objective reality.