Once upon a time there lived people: Why “traditional” marriage is a myth. Monogamy is not the only option

On January 4, Russians 27-year-old Evgeniy Voitsekhovsky and 28-year-old Pavel Stotsko registered their marriage in Copenhagen (Danish legislation allows gay marriages). Returning to Moscow, they submitted registration documents to one of the city MFCs, where they were given the appropriate stamps on the “Marital Status” page.

One of the spouses posted photographs of stamps on Facebook as evidence and separately noted that this is not about registering a same-sex marriage, but about its recognition. The young people brought to the MFC a marriage certificate issued to them in Denmark, on the basis of which the department stamped them. The legislation of the Russian Federation recognizes marriages concluded on the territory of another country if the union does not contradict the laws of that state.

According to Art. 158 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, the following conditions may become obstacles to recognition: if one of the spouses is in another marriage, if the bride and groom are closely related or one is the other’s guardian, as well as in the case of mental incapacity of one of the spouses. Since the marriage of Voitsekhovsky and Stotsko does not contradict the mentioned article, the MFC had no reason to refuse to affix stamps.

This precedent infuriated the famous gay fighter, State Duma deputy Vitaly Milonov. On his Facebook, he posted an angry post in which he called the newly-made spouses “homo-animals” and ordered them to “drive them out of Russia with a one-way ticket, burn their passports and consider them dogs.” He also promised to find and prosecute the officials responsible for this.

Another State Duma deputy, Anatoly Vyborny, promised to eliminate this “loophole in the law” and called the incident “a clear indicator of the complete decline of morality.” We remind you that, according to a recent Levada Center survey, 83% of Russians strongly condemn same-sex relationships. The Internet reacted ambiguously to the news: some agree with Milonov, others congratulate the Russian LGBT community on the precedent. Still others considered the news “fake” and the passport photos fake. One way or another, the names of these young people can be included in the list of gays who changed the world (albeit on the scale of one country). All that remains is to wish happiness to the young people and family well-being.. :3

Alexandra Savina

we hear all the time that traditional marriage is collapsing, and homosexual and polyamorous relationships are breaking the institution of family and its centuries-old tradition. The problem is that there is no “traditional marriage”: marriage at different times and among different peoples depended on cultural attitudes and living conditions, and included a fairly wide range of possibilities.

What can I say if somewhere it was not necessary to remain alive for marriage. For example, in China there is still a tradition of posthumous marriage: previously, ceremonies were held for two dead people so that people would not remain alone in the afterlife, and over time, the practice of marrying a living person and a dead person appeared. Even the usual heterosexual marriage in reality was far from what we imagine it to be. We understand the myths that surround family relationships, the marriage standard and the rules of good marital tone.

Love has nothing to do with it

We are accustomed to thinking of love as the only (or at least the only socially approved) reason for marriage, but this was not always the case. Of course, romantic love has existed at all times, but very often it was believed that it was incompatible with marriage: too many meanings and functions were invested in marriage itself for two lovers to make a decision on their own.

“The more I study marriage, the more I am convinced that it had nothing to do with the relationship between a man and a woman. Marriage was invented to have the opportunity to get new relatives,” speaks Stephanie Kunz, researcher and author of several books on the history of family and marriage. Marriages indeed pursued a variety of purposes: they were needed to conclude strategic alliances and truces, maintain the well-being of the family, receive land and other property - love could arise in marriage, but it was not a cause, but rather a consequence. Remember Antony and Cleopatra, considered one of the greatest love stories of the past - their marriage was also important from a strategic point of view. For prosaic reasons, representatives of poorer sections of the population often married, for example, so that there would be more workers in the family. In Rus' in the pre-Petrine era, marriages were mostly arranged: marriage was negotiated by relatives - most often the parents of the couple, sometimes the parents of the bride and the groom. According to researcher Natalya Pushkareva, even in the seventeenth century, girls were not allowed to meet and negotiate marriage on their own. Economic reasons also played an important role - misalliances were viewed negatively.

Marriage in Rus' was negotiated by relatives - most often the parents of the couple, sometimes the parents of the bride and the groom

Marriage for love, as we are accustomed to perceive it, began to appear only towards the end of the eighteenth century. For example, in Great Britain, love became the basis for marriage during the time of Queen Victoria - with the growing influence of the middle class, traditional socio-economic reasons for marriage began to fade into the background.

At the same time, a woman in a marriage found herself in a more vulnerable position, since she was economically and legally dependent on her husband: and if a man could simply marry for love, then the woman had to not only fall in love with her chosen one, but also find someone who could provide for her. For example, until the mid-nineteenth century, American women could not own property: even if a woman worked, her income belonged entirely to her husband, who, in turn, was obliged to support her.

According to the same Stephanie Kunz, love made marriage more pleasant and comfortable - but at the same time it made the institution of marriage less stable, because human feelings were involved in it.

Monogamy is not the only option

Another principle of marriage that we consider inviolable is monogamy. In reality, everything is more complicated. Polygamy, for example, is the most common mentioned form of marriage in the Pentateuch - the first five books of the Bible. Polygyny was found in Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, Iran, India and more. True, it is important to consider that not everyone could afford to support several wives and children. Other countries may have had more complex models. For example, in Greece only monogamous marriage was allowed, since only a child born in marriage was considered legitimate - however, this did not prevent men from having sex and having relations with slaves. Things were similar in ancient Rome.

There are the concepts of levirate (a custom according to which a widow, after the death of her husband, must marry his closest relatives) and sororate (a rarer custom according to which a widower marries the sisters of his late wife).

In the Himalayas, several brothers traditionally married the same bride to retain their land

Historical and cultural explanations can be found for these traditions: for example, the tradition of marrying widows meant that children left without a father would have someone to take care of; a situation where a widower marries his wife's sister could help if the man is the last of his family and has no offspring.

Polyandry, or polyandry, is less common, but also occurred. For example, in Hindu and Buddhist communities in the Himalayas, several brothers traditionally married the same bride in order to retain their land, a custom that even survived into the twentieth century, but gradually faded away.

Everyone already knows that polygamy still occurs - it is common, for example, in Muslim societies and among Mormons, and is also legal in South Africa, subject to certain conditions - the current president of the country, Jacob Zuma, has four wives, and he was married in total six times. In some places, like Chechnya or Myanmar, polygamy is not allowed, but the law is not strictly enforced.

Same-sex marriages have existed before

One of the most common arguments made by opponents of same-sex marriage is that it is allegedly “unnatural.” In fact, same-sex unions have existed throughout history in different cultures. Most often in these cases, they remember Ancient Greece and Rome - it is known that the Roman emperor Nero twice publicly married a man (however, it is worth making a reservation here: he tried to make his second husband, a young man named Sporus, his “wife” and even castrated his). In addition, homosexual relations were not frowned upon in Ancient China, Egypt and Mesopotamia.

Native Americans had a concept of “two-spirit people,” or berdaches—in modern parlance, they could be called transgender people. Berdash entered into relationships with people of both sexes - although it is difficult to apply modern ideas about sexuality and gender identity to them.

Another example that they like to cite when discussing same-sex marriage is the ritual of adelphopoiesis that existed in some Christian traditions (literally “brotherhood,” that is, twinning), when two men united in a spiritual platonic union - and this despite the fact that the Christian Church has traditionally condemned same-sex unions.

Relationships could not be registered

It is believed that in the modern world, marriage helps primarily in solving legal issues: if it is not important for a relationship whether a couple is married or not, then only official registration can help with legal issues such as simplified acquisition of citizenship. Nevertheless, marriage was not a legal construct for a long time: although the state and church in different countries tried to take control of family life, people did not formalize their relationship for a long time. Even in twelfth-century Britain, a couple did not need a ceremony, priest or witnesses to get married - the bride and groom simply exchanged vows. The official ceremony and priest appeared several centuries later.

Researcher Natalya Pushkareva notes that in Rus', marriage was considered primarily a civil transaction, which was simply blessed by the church. Hence another hierarchy of ceremonies: a wedding without a wedding was not considered socially recognized, but a wedding feast without a wedding was a sure sign of the beginning of family life.

In the United States, an informal attitude towards marriage persisted even into the nineteenth century: state authorities respected the right of couples to privacy - it was believed that if a man and woman live together, then they are probably married. So popularity in our time is, in a sense, a return to tradition.

Not once and not forever

We are accustomed to thinking of divorce as a modern invention, but this is not so: the desire of people to part with each other has existed for as long as love itself. And even where divorce was prohibited or severely condemned, people who did not want to stay in a relationship found a loophole. The most striking example is Henry VIII, whose personal life is described with the mnemonic phrase “divorced - executed - died, divorced - executed - survived.” Henry managed to have his marriage annulled twice, and his actions are considered one of the reasons for England's transition from Catholicism to Protestantism.

In both the UK and the US, divorce became available in the nineteenth century. True, in order to get a divorce, compelling reasons were needed, such as abuse or betrayal, which still had to be proven; Moreover, not everyone in the UK could afford a divorce.

The ritual of adelphopoiesis, literally “brotherhood,” that is, twinning, suggested that two men were united in a spiritual platonic union

It is difficult to judge how common divorces were in Rus' in the pre-Petrine era, but they definitely existed. The Church did not approve of remarriage, but many women married several times - and made decisions about this on their own. The laws of some lands, for example, allowed remarriage if the couple did not have children. Both husband and wife in Rus' could divorce; The main reason for this was considered to be adultery. True, inequality between men and women manifested itself here: if for a man long relationships on the side or children from another woman were considered adultery, then for a woman a single relationship outside of marriage also became adultery.

By the eighteenth century, divorce had become more common, although it remained quite rare, especially among the privileged class. Sometimes spouses from the peasant class did not even apply to the priest for a divorce letter, but simply agreed among themselves and exchanged letters that they had no claims against each other - however, the church did not approve of these actions.

It is difficult to imagine a modern society in which all these forms of marriage would be considered normal and were officially permitted. However, many of them are still found, and not only in remote areas of the “third world” countries!

1. Polyandry

Polyandry is one of the forms of polygamy. The essence of this form of marriage is that one woman can be in an alliance with several men at the same time. Nowadays, polyandry is found only in isolated villages located on the Tibetan Plateau.

2. Levirate


Some forms of marriage imply a union not of two people, but of entire families, and it must continue even in the event of the death of one of the spouses. Under levirate, a man is obliged to marry the widowed wife of his deceased brother. Quite often, children born in such a union are considered the sons or daughters of the woman’s first (previously deceased) husband. Levirate marriages are found in tribal communities of South America, Africa, India, and Australia.

3. Sororate


The opposite of levirate is sorority marriages. Such atypical weddings are practiced in the native communities of North America and India. In a sorority union, a widowed man is obliged to marry the sister of his deceased wife. In some cultures, sororate is also permitted in cases where the first wife turns out to be infertile. Then the children that the second wife gives birth to belong to the first wife.

4. Temporary marriage


Temporary marriages (or "pleasure marriages") are popular in the Islamic world, especially in Iran. A man and a woman enter into them by mutual agreement for a specific period. Moreover, it is necessary to comply with a number of conditions, for example, with whom the temporary marriage is concluded and for what purpose - mutual assistance, sex, etc.

5. Posthumous marriage


In some regions, it is legal to marry deceased people (or marry two deceased people). For example, in many countries, the youngest sons in a family can marry only after their older brothers. If the older brother dies single, he is married posthumously, saving the younger brother from loneliness for the rest of his life.

6. A difficult marriage


In the 19th century, American John Humphrey Noyes founded a utopian community called Oneida. Noyes argued that the Bible contains no reference to the existence of traditional marriages in Paradise. Therefore, he encouraged his followers to practice "complicated marriage." It was understood that all Oneida members were each other's wives and husbands.

Noyes called monogamy and jealousy sinful and idolatrous manifestations. Moreover, members of the community punished all people who preferred monogamous relationships.

7. Devadasi


In southern India, it was not uncommon for young girls to be married off to some deity or temple! The word “devadasi” itself means “servant of God”.

The fate of some girls was decided even before they were born. Devadasis were expected to take care of their appearance, be beautiful, hardworking and educated. Every day, morning and evening, they danced and sang, glorifying their god. The temples where the devadasis lived were maintained mainly by donations from spectators.

8. Child marriage


In the Middle Ages, such a concept as “childhood” did not exist at all. Children began to be considered full members of society at about 6 years old. The age of majority was increased by 2.5–3 times much later.

It was only in the 16th century that the concept of childhood was created as a separate stage of human life, lasting from birth to adulthood. However, they stopped marrying off 7-year-old children another two hundred years later.

9. Tunchi


Acceptance of homosexuality in the Middle Kingdom remains extremely low. Because of this, most gay men are forced to solve their problem by marrying heterosexual women.

According to a reputable Chinese sexologist, 90% of homosexuals in the country resort to this method. Marriage between a gay man and a straight woman is called “tunchi”. The worst thing is that before marriage, women generally do not even suspect their partner’s orientation. But after they start living together, an unpleasant surprise awaits them.

10. Marriage with spirits


The number of Baule people living in West Africa (mainly in Côte d'Ivoire) reaches 1.5 million people. Its representatives believe that long before birth, every person has to marry spirits. The phrase “blolo bian” is translated from the Baule language as “a man from another world,” and the phrase “blolo blah” is translated as “a woman from another world.”

In family quarrels between earthly Baule couples, the spirit spouses are often blamed for being jealous or unhappy. In such cases, spiritual guides advise cutting out a small figurine of blolo bian or blolo blah from wood, covering it with oil, dressing it, decorating it and bringing it to the temple. It is believed that this calms the spirit spouses and allows peace to be established in the earthly family.

11. Traditional same-sex marriage


Same-sex marriage was practiced everywhere in the past and was considered completely normal.

For example, Emperor Nero married his own eunuch, organizing a large-scale wedding celebration. The poets Marc Martial and Decimus Juvenal repeatedly mentioned same-sex unions in their works. The first treated homosexual marriages with disdain, while the second considered them a “fleeting love affair.”

Same-sex marriage was also practiced by American Indians (they generally believed in the existence of people of a third gender, called “berdashi”). And representatives of the Mohawk tribe, who lived on the territory of modern Canada, saw wonderful partners in homosexual men - “exceptionally diligent and hardworking wives.” True, it was difficult to divorce them, because male wives could stand up for themselves and even beat their husband.

12. "Boston Marriages"


In the United States in the 19th century, so-called “Boston marriages” were practiced: two women lived together, being completely independent of the stronger sex. Many people saw the meaning of such cohabitation, first of all, in mutual support. At the same time, others considered “Boston marriages” only a tool for hiding homosexual relationships from society.

Why does a wedding take place only after civil registration of marriage?

The wedding has nothing to do with civil registration. Actually, for the Church, it is the wedding, and not the registration in the registry office, that has the blessed significance. However, recently the religious culture of people has greatly decreased. Today a person goes to church, tomorrow he doesn’t. Today he believes that he believes in God, a year later he believes that church Sacraments and rituals have no meaning for him and no grace-filled power. In addition, modern people treat marriage very easily and irresponsibly. Today they live together, tomorrow they separate. But a church marriage, apart from the help of grace, does not legally bind two people in any way... All this prompts the Church to demand from people entering into marriage confirmation of the seriousness of their intentions. Marriage registration brings at least some seriousness to the intentions of people who want to live together. Anyone who registers truly wants to build a marital relationship and is ready to take on obligations in the face of civil law. Therefore, the Church usually performs the Sacrament of Marriage only over those who have entered into an official civil marriage.

What is the difference between infatuation and love?

I’ll start from afar, with the relationship between man and... God. We know that when a person comes to faith, his whole being glows with great love for the Creator. This love, or it would be more accurate to call it love, for God helps a person to renounce sins and start a new life. Theologians call this wonderful intoxication of the human soul with grace calling grace. However, some time passes, and the Lord invites the person himself, of his free will, through difficulties and obstacles, to go to Him, for true love implies not only insight from above, but also the personal efforts of a person. Haven't you noticed this? At first everything is easy in faith, everything works out, then you have to overcome difficulties. Many, by the way, at this stage leave the faith and the Church.

We face a similar situation in the relationship between a man and a woman. First, love. This is a dizzying feeling when everything seems so easy - to accept another, to fight his and your shortcomings, to receive strength from this love for an active bright life.

But over time, the first ardor of love fades away and the time comes for family routine, habit and routine.

Love is gone? No, the love has passed, the passion has passed. But is there love left? But this depends only on us, because true love implies effort on our part; to achieve love we must work.

So, in order for infatuation to flow into love, and this is an even more wonderful and deep feeling than being in love, you need to work on it. From the first days of communication, lovers “build relationships.”

Falling in love (we won’t talk about the biochemical side of this feeling) is a state that helps a person get off to a good start. And achieve the highest relationships, which will be Love with a capital letter.

As long as people are in love with each other, it is easy to forgive shortcomings and help the other endure the difficulties of life. But the main thing is that when you take advantage of being in love, from the first days of communication you need to learn to listen and perceive the other!

The help of God’s grace is also important here, which really supports lovers, and then spouses, and helps to overcome difficulties. I have heard a lot about this help and experienced it myself.

What real advice can you give to people living in marriage so that their love does not fade over time?

Young people must pass the path from falling in love to deep and full-flowing love under the supervision of a confessor. Anyone, as a wise, objective observer, will be able to take into account all the nuances of their particular situation. But I can give some general advice:

Learn to listen... Even irreligious psychologists note that modern people are completely unable to concentrate and be alone with themselves. Please note that as soon as there is silence around us, we try to fill it with something: we turn on the radio or TV. If we are free from household chores, if we have a few minutes free, we immediately pick up newspapers, magazines, and leaf through a book from the middle. Today's man, immersed in the noise and rhythms of modern life, does not know how to focus his attention; accordingly, he is not able to either listen to the voice of God or look closely at the person who is nearby. This means that he will not hear either God or his neighbor. The husband does not hear his wife, and she does not hear her husband. The first serious test will reveal this. Husband and wife will speak different languages...

In order for spouses to think and feel in unison, as “one flesh,” they need to learn... prayer. Prayer, the school of focusing on the Other (on God), will allow spouses to learn to listen to each other.

Learn humility... As in any difficult matter, love requires great patience and the desire to overcome difficulties. An important component of any communication with others is humility. Humility is the ability to listen to another, to overcome natural egocentrism, so to speak, to give primacy to another. Even before marriage, it is easy to see whether a loved one is ready to give in, overcome pride, and accept a different opinion. If you are not ready, if you hear only yourself and insist only on your own, it is unlikely that the relationship will be able to grow into great mutual love.

Believe in your loved one... True love, according to Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, implies “deep faith in your loved one.” This faith is the desire and ability to see in a loved one (even if once loved, if the love has passed) a unique personality, even if often clouded by sins. This is the ability to see a person in the perspective of God’s plan for him. This is also a desire to help him in his moral development.

Active love... Finally, Christian love is active love. It is impossible to reach the heights of love while being passively inactive. Love is every minute sacrifice for the sake of another, service to another.

M Can we say briefly what should be placed at the center of married life?

I answer this question for myself this way: my task is spiritual improvement. I did not get married to find a housekeeper, or a cook, or a sexual partner. My wife is my assistant on the spiritual path; she helps me become more perfect, achieve the holiness that I seek. Accordingly, with my wife I am learning calmness, meekness, and obedience. Being responsible for the family gives me the responsibility and strength of a husband and father.

When we have conflicts, I always ask myself: what do I want - mine or God's? And I try to choose the second. I forgive and humble myself. And then even a family conflict can become a step on the spiritual path.

Carnal passion - from God or from the devil?

Passion is always from the devil. But what is passion? This is an exaggerated feeling, a distorted, painfully ugly feeling.

The erotic feeling itself is from God, and it is beautiful. This is a feeling of attraction of opposite sexes to each other, the desire to be one not only in soul, but also in body with a loved one. Holy Scripture tells us this. The Lord created man and commanded him to “be fruitful and multiply,” says the first chapter of the Bible. And in the next chapter we read: “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is what is God's Plan, God's institution. It attracts people of the opposite sex to each other.

But there are also distortions of this God-determined order. This is a search in eroticism for only physical satisfaction, or the desire to possess someone without giving oneself. Or... there are many such distortions, and all of this is not God’s.

This means that erotic energy is from God, and its painful perversion, ugliness, which we call passion, is from the devil.

Why should two people be united in marriage? Why, say, reproduction was not arranged differently?

Of course, we don’t know this... But we can make some assumptions.

Perhaps this attraction to unity can be called the ontological reason for the attraction of people to each other...

But there is another reason. Let's call it a pedagogical reason.

In the Bible we read that the Lord says to Adam: “It is not good for man to be alone. And he creates a wife as a helper, “corresponding to Adam.

This word - “corresponding” - would be more correctly translated from Hebrew as “the one that would be in front of him.” Adam needs Eve as someone in whom he could see himself from the outside. The Holy Fathers said that this is very important: to see ourselves not with our own, subjective, flattering eyes, but with the eyes of another person who loves us, who wishes us good and perfection. See and correct.

Hence the task of people getting married: to help each other become more perfect.

What does it mean: “a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife; and they will become one flesh"? Are we talking about sex?

“Flesh” (Hebrew basar) means a whole being, with common thoughts, feelings...

To cleave means to unite. In marriage, spouses truly become one being: they have common tasks, goals, thoughts and feelings, a common life.

The Holy Fathers said that married people can be compared with... the Lord. God is One Being, but in this Being there are Three Persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. At St. John Chrysostom reads about it this way: “When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they are not an image of something inanimate or something earthly, but an image of God Himself.”

If we talk about sex, then this is, of course, an important component of a marital relationship. This is an act of maximum openness, trust, tenderness towards your beloved or loved one. Truly, this is God’s gift to people, and it can and should bring joy. In every family, sexual relations have their place, but they are never an indispensable component of marriage. If one of the spouses is deprived of the opportunity to have a sexual life (illness, injury), this is not a reason for divorce.

Will marriage last forever?

The marital relationship will remain, but marriage in another world will be different. For example, there will be no sexual relations, but the spiritual unity acquired over the years of living together, the unique kinship, the joy of living together will not disappear. On the contrary, love will reach a new, more perfect level. The Apostle wrote: “what is in part will cease.” That is, all imperfection and incompleteness will disappear. Eternal life will be a celebration of love and unity. “Love,” the apostle promises us. Paul, “never ceases, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished.” Hear this: love never fails!

There is an opinion of the Church that all partners will meet at the Last Judgment as spouses. Is it so?

Partners? No. The Church never said that sexual partners would be together in eternity, but, on the contrary, it was said that loving spouses would meet in eternity, because love is an indestructible feeling of the soul, it is an eternal value.

We can recall a whole series of gospel expressions that tell us that there are certain values ​​that will go with us into eternity.

Remember: “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.” These heavenly treasures are what belong to the soul. Such things as kindness and nobility of soul, inner beauty and purity, again, will, brought up in resisting earthly temptations and accustomed to goodness - all this is capital of such a quality that will never be taken away from a person. (Remember: “Mary chose the good part, which will not be taken away from her.”)

Love is a feeling of the same order.

Describing the blessed life in the Kingdom of Heaven, St. Paul says that there will no longer be prophecy or any charismatic gifts (for example, ecstatic speaking in various languages ​​- glasolalia, which was sometimes found in early Christian communities) ... But what will not disappear, will not end, like that! “Love never fails, although prophecy will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished... when that which is perfect comes, then that which is in part will cease.”

How can it be allowed that those who, according to the Word of God, have become one flesh, which means one being, will be separated?

There really will be no sexual relations in eternity. But true love cannot be reduced only to sex. And there will be such love in the Kingdom of Heaven.

What do you think about the fact that today’s youth begin having sex at a fairly early age?

This is true, and this leads, of course, to various sad consequences. One of my parishioners, who spent a stormy youth, went through all sorts of sins, got a lot of trouble through this and finally turned to God, comes up to me and says with horror: “Father Konstantin, I am beginning to recognize myself in my youth in the behavior of my twelve-year-old daughter.” . She is drawn to the same life that I left. How much I don’t want her to take this terrible path, but she doesn’t perceive me. If I could keep her from making the same mistakes that I myself went through...”

If a person is looking for a life partner, communicates with one girl and another, is this fornication?

Finding a spouse can and should happen. We can fall in love, be friends, get to know another through communication, but search and recognition do not imply cohabitation.

Close relationships can... confuse young people. Why?

Any communication between two people (especially adults) is a meeting of two worlds with their own habits, views on life, etc. As we live together, issues arise that need to be resolved somehow, and sometimes it takes a lot of work to come to a compromise, to a solution that satisfies both parties. And any family life cannot do without this. During the period of courting each other, it is easy (sometimes not easy, but still possible) to see what the bride and groom are really like. How honest, open to each other, do they know how to listen and how much do they listen to the opinions of others, do they strive to change, or do they not perceive anything other than their own opinion...

Sex takes relationships to another level, more tender and trusting. When you are in bed with your loved one, it is easy to forgive, it is easy to close your eyes to shortcomings, to brush aside problems.

Now imagine: young people met and began to live together. There is no genuine psychological “recognition” of another person with whom you will live for decades. Everything seems good, smooth.

The lovers get married. And now, after a year, maybe two, when some getting used to each other occurs, when life poses real problems for the young, and sex ceases to be something dizzyingly alluring, but rather becomes a familiar way of marital communication, difficulties arise.

And it turns out that young people do not know how to solve these problems. They didn’t learn it when they needed to learn it, that is, before marriage. They haven’t learned, they can’t, they don’t even want to. And they part.

Young spouses with such problems come to our temple almost every day.

But don’t you think that if sexual relations do not work out in marriage, then it will not take place? Why not check them before marriage so as not to be unhappy all your life? What to do with physiology? Attraction occurs before marriage is permitted, masturbation is a sin...

Indeed, a marriage can undergo a great test because sexual relations do not work out. But why shouldn't they work out? Different sexual needs? But is this insurmountable for loving people? It seems to me that the attentiveness of the spouses and the willingness to listen to the wishes of the other will help overcome all problems. If, for example, one spouse feels desire, can the other spouse pretend not to care? Be proud of your erotic coolness? It is necessary not to “condescend”, not to “do a favor,” but, remembering that erotic talent is also a gift from God, with all love, tenderness and dedication, rush to your loved one and be with him.

This, probably - mutual responsiveness - is the most important thing that guarantees the well-being of a marriage in all its elements (and in sexual life, in particular). And you can test responsiveness, you see, before marriage, and not only through the experience of close relationships.

As for attraction... Yes, it awakens before we get married. But man differs from animals in that he subordinates animal instincts to spiritual attitudes. There is such an Orthodox science - asceticism, which translated from Greek means the science of exercise. Exercises of the soul.

Such things as fasting, self-restraint, obligatory prayer, the discipline of attending services, and even the practice of standing at the service all train the body to obey the soul.

It’s the same with sexual energy: pray for the gift of a loved one and endure.

Which type of situation development seems more attractive to you:

- with the awakening of sexual desire, rush to satisfy it, using every possible means available to him...

- or, feeling that something new has happened to the body, pray for the gift of real, great love, pray for a meeting with the one (or the only one) for whom you are saving yourself, cherish the flame of eroticism so that all of it is unspent and give pure power to your loved one?..

As for masturbation (masturbation), it’s also clear. The Church considers this a sin. Why? Yes, because we can realize sexual feeling only in line with the God-given order of things. In a legitimate family.

Self-satisfaction is a dishonest weakness, and, by the way, the innate moral law itself makes a person who has fallen into this sin feel some kind of impurity, disgust towards himself or something.

But how can you find that one and only companion, a sexual partner, if you don’t try to communicate with different people? Is searching also a sin and licentiousness?

We are not talking about finding a sexual partner, but about finding the one and only one you love, with whom you will grow old and be with you for eternity. Anyone can become a sexual partner, because it’s just someone’s body to satisfy certain desires, but the soul of this “partner” remains closed to you.

A completely different matter is the person with whom you want to live your whole life. You begin to recognize this person, everything about him is interesting to you and everything is dear to you. How does your loved one live, what does he believe in, what is inspired by him, what helps him overcome sadness and despair, what makes him happy, what he sees as his role in the destinies of this world.

How to meet such a person? First... you have to fall in love. Or maybe it’s the other way around: you accidentally start communicating - and only then, gradually, love will come.

“You need to try to communicate,” as the author of the question says, with different people. But this communication does not imply sexual relations. The trouble with many young people and girls is that they understand “communication” as close relationships. And these relationships ruin everything. Why? I talked about this above.

What if two young people decided to live together forever, love each other and are one hundred percent confident in each other, live together, but some factors interfere with the marriage (money, family, something else)? Living together in this case is not a sin?

What does “sin”, “not sin” mean? Sin is not something that, for some unknown reason, is forbidden to us by God. The literal translation of the Greek word for sin is failure to hit the target. And this literal translation very accurately reflects the meaning of the concept. Sin is not something attractive, but something forbidden. Sin is what prevents us from getting closer to our goal - God. Therefore, marriage is not a sin; a Christian family has every opportunity to grow in God. Fornication is a sin; it slows down the soul on its spiritual path.

The described situation cannot be correct for two reasons. Firstly, the Christian family begins with the church Sacrament, the Sacrament of marriage, the Sacrament of blessing the beginning of the life of young people together. This is a very important moment for deeply religious people. We ask for God’s blessing on smaller enterprises, especially since we cannot help but ask for such a difficult and responsible task as building a family. If money, parental pressure, or something else is still more significant and important to you than God’s help, then it is better to wait until the beginning of family life. Such a life will not rise to the level of a genuine Christian family, since initially your family is focused more on worldly values ​​and priorities than on divine ones. However, everything here is very individual, but the Church knows that the correct basis for a lasting marriage is either to ask for God’s help and overcome difficulties together, or to wait to live together, continue communication and pray for the granting of strength for a correct Christian marriage.

The Church, which has known (and studied) man for thousands of years, understands well that a person cannot be completely objective towards himself, and also cannot know in advance how this or that situation will turn out. Unfortunately, there are many examples when people, absolutely confident in the depth of their feelings, after some time realize that they cannot live together. Therefore, the Church advises to first check your feelings, and only then get married. Abstinence is also a test. And the Church requires those who are married to work on themselves, and even if people understand that they have made a mistake, the most correct thing would be not to separate, but to work on the relationship.

How to look for a groom if the majority of the church is women, and non-church people simply cannot understand Christian (for example, abstinence until marriage) moral standards?

I don't think we should look for a groom of a certain religious affiliation. It’s better to just pray that the Lord will send your loved one, and live your normal life. Bright, life-affirming, Christianly active. And after some time (maybe even years) you will fall in love. Maybe this will happen in a church or in a community of young Christians with whom you are doing something, but maybe also at an institute or at work.

Even if your young man is not a complete believer at the time of meeting you, in the process of communication, before marriage, you will see how much he knows how to listen, perceive you, how much he respects you. Agree, if a young man says that he doesn’t care about your faith, because he is an atheist, and will remain so, and doesn’t even want to hear about faith, there is something to think about.

I can't recommend anything else in general. The rest is decided during a personal meeting and conversation with the priest.

A How can you understand that you will live with a person all your life? After all, even love passes over time, and often very quickly?

Of course, when we get married, we take a certain risk. We risk that the person we love today will lose interest in us after some time, deceive us, cheat on us, and so on.

But this risk is inevitable.

What can you recommend? There is no need to rush into marriage. It’s better to spend an extra year talking to a person to see him from different sides.

But it's not only that.

Married life is work, a lot of work.

Love will not pass if we put some effort into it (more on that below). And if people get married who want to work on their relationship in advance, it will be helpful. If young people are not going to, each for their part, change, correct themselves, humble themselves, learn relationships, there will be no point.

Finally, it may happen that, despite all efforts, the relationship does not work out, the marriage breaks up. Well. You can remain a single person for the rest of your life, or you can pray that the Lord will send another person with whom everything will work out. The Church allows the laity, taking into account all the situations that may arise, to marry up to three times. (Priests can only marry once.)

At the same time, the Orthodox Church (namely Orthodox) allows divorces for a whole list of reasons and weddings a second time.

“At the same time,” the author of the note probably means that we are talking about marriage and family in the highest terms. Marriage is a truly great event and a Sacrament of God, it is an eternal institution. Christ likens the relationship of loving spouses to the mystery of the relationship between Christ and the Church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church.”

But we live on earth, we are imperfect, so let's be realistic. A marriage may not take place for a number of reasons. Personal sins of spouses, infidelity, deception, drug addiction, alcoholism... In order not to turn forced family life into hell, the Orthodox Church allows such a marriage to be dissolved. And remarry. But didn’t the Savior, referring to the Old Testament permission for divorce, say: “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives”? Please note - due to cruelty! That is, due to sins, due to weakness.

Have you and I become wiser and purer than those ancient people?

Therefore, in modern Orthodox practice, which allows divorce, I see only wisdom.

There were betrayals. She confessed. Should you tell your spouse about these infidelities? Is it possible or not to keep everything a secret?

Such questions are very individual, and I advise such questions (although, of course, it is better not to ask them) to be resolved with your confessor.

If the relationship between spouses is very close and frank, you can confess.

If there is a danger that the spouse will not be able to forgive and confession will lead to the collapse of the marriage, I think it is better to remain silent. Having repented, never return to something like this. And, may God forgive, do not forgive yourself. To love, to be gentle, affectionate, especially remembering your fall, but not to traumatize your loved one with confessions that are unbearable for him.

I can’t understand, in your opinion, marriage should be created for procreation or for something else?

I try to talk not about my understanding of what marriage was created for, but about the Orthodox understanding. The Orthodox view is based on the testimony of the Word of God (the Bible) and Holy Tradition (the teachings of God-enlightened holy people).

According to Orthodox opinion, marriage was created by God:

To complete the existence of husband and wife: “it is not good for a man to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him.” The word "helper" here means "replenisher." Husband and wife complement each other in being. Being single is “not good” for both men and women. I advise you to read the excellent work of S. Troitsky “Christian Philosophy of Marriage” about this. This is the best that has been written on the topic of marriage, although the book was first published more than 70 years ago.

For the birth and raising of children: be fruitful and multiply.

To fulfill God’s Plan for the world: “fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth”; “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.”

There are other Divine reasons for the creation of marriage, but these three are the main ones.

I have had three abortions in my life. Am I cursed now? Excommunicated from God? What to do?

A person is separated from God when he has committed a sin and carries this sin within himself. Like an untapped splinter, this sin will torment the soul, the soul will hurt. But there is another option: change! Come to church, repent and start a new, clean and good life. The Lord forgives such a person for his sins.

Abortion is a great sin. And according to strict church canons, the person who committed it must be excommunicated from Communion for at least 10 years (if the husband insisted on an abortion, then both the wife and husband are excommunicated)! But the Church, like a tender mother, rushes to the aid of the repentant and can admit a woman, even one who has had several abortions, into church life. According to modern practice, we do not excommunicate from Communion a woman who committed abortions in her former, non-Christian life. We give her penance, that is, a kind of obedience, we treat her with a word (sometimes harsh!) of admonition, but we cover her with love.

But this, I repeat, applies to abortions committed by a woman before her conversion to Christ. And it’s a completely different matter when a Christian woman repents of abortion. Recently I was simply amazed by a situation when a couple who came to St. Petersburg to work, people who were deeply religious and churchgoers, said that they had had an abortion. Because the child will interfere with their business. I asked: “What will you do if it turns out again that your wife is pregnant?..” After a pause, they answered: “We don’t know...”.

In this case, the priest applies the strictest spiritual measures. I excommunicated these people from Communion for the entire period until they “do not know” how to act in this situation. And he said that I do not allow anyone to go into the temple at all, but to pray only at the entrance.

After some time, these people came and said that if the Lord wanted the wife to become pregnant again (with all precautions taken), they would treat this as a gift from God and accept the child with joy.

...In any case, I want to remind you that if we repent with all our hearts, the Lord will forgive us any sin. But we shouldn’t be afraid of confession and communication with a priest; the priest, even if he says harsh things, only wants the best for us.

What does Christ’s answer mean that after death people “do not marry or be given in marriage, but remain, like the angels of God, in Heaven”? How does this relate to the continuation of marriage into eternity?

In eternity, marriage will not disappear. There will simply be no physiological (in our sense) processes in the Kingdom of Heaven. Reproduction, sex life, etc.

But the love of spouses is not reducible to the communication of bodies. This is, first of all, a communication of souls. It is precisely this communication that will remain.

But in the Kingdom of God, a person will not suffer from a lack of sex life. I’ll give you an example, perhaps not entirely correct, the first thing that comes to mind. We know that in old age the sexual desires of spouses fade away. But love does not disappear. A person simply reaches another (not a higher, but simply another) level of existence. But, you see, spouses who have lived together for 60 years are not sad that there is no sex in their lives now. This once happened, and thank God for it, but now a different time has come. They just feel good being together. Look after each other, walk, talk. It’s the same in heavenly life. We will become so different when the world is transformed that we will experience happiness from this new experience of existence. This new thing will immeasurably surpass everything that happened before: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the heart of man what God has prepared for those who love Him.”

The habits and mores of society in modern times have made it possible to trample on some of the tenets of the Old Testament: we do not kill animals on Sundays, we do not sprinkle blood on the altar. Why can't we reconsider our attitude towards sex?

In the Holy Scriptures of the Old Testament there are things that are eternal, and there are things that are temporary, conditioned by some moment in the history or life of the people of God. The eternal ones, for example, include the 10 Commandments of Moses, or the Decalogue. Laws such as thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and thou shalt not commit adultery cannot be revised.

In the New Testament, Christ not only did not abolish the moral commandments of the Old Testament, but strengthened them: “... I tell you, if your righteousness does not exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, then you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. You have heard what was said to the ancients: Thou shalt not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

But ritual moments and advice regarding the way of life of the people can be reconsidered.

Many argue that same-sex love (between girls or young men) is no different from normal relationships between a man and a woman. It's the same love. Why does the Church not approve of such relationships?

If I understand correctly, we are talking about cohabitation, and not just about friendship between people of the same sex. Because the Church has nothing against sincere love that can exist between friends.

The Church is really against homosexual intercourse. Why? This is too big a question, but, in any case, not because, as one hears, the Church stands guard over medieval ideas that stifle freedom of life.

And not because, as they also say, the meaning of marriage is the birth and upbringing of children, and same-sex marriages do not give birth to children.

Why is the Church against homosexual relations?

The Church sees our world through the prism of God's Plan. According to this plan, a man and a woman are created, two completely unique psychophysical worlds that must meet and gain completeness. We read about this in the story about the creation of the first people: “And the Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone; Let us make him a helper suitable for him.” Here, as I have already said, the word helper is more correctly translated as replenishing. In what ways does a woman complement a man? In being itself.

And what does corresponding to him mean? This word should be understood as the one that would have been before it. Adam needs Eve as someone in whom he could see himself. The Holy Fathers said that this is very important: to see yourself through the prism of a different view. See yourself as if from the outside, which means you can see your shortcomings, improve, and become more perfect. Find the fullness of life in your husband/wife, reveal your character to the fullest, everything good and beautiful that is in your soul, see everything dark and evil and get rid of it...

It is this ontological task that spouses face. And, of course, the mercy of God, if God gave the spouses children. But even if there are no children, this does not mean that the marriage is flawed or unreal. After all, the main task is still achievable - gaining the fullness of life and saving the soul.

So homosexuality cannot in any way be called an element of God’s Plan for the world. Yes, this is a fashionable phenomenon of the subculture (the lifestyle of musicians, people of art), but its approval is nothing more than encouragement of sin.

It is more difficult with congenital homosexual inclinations (out of all homosexuals such people account for approximately 5%). But even here the Church, while certainly compassionate to sick people (and congenital physical or mental abnormalities of a sexual nature are precisely a disease), does not approve of this. For example, if a person has pathological sexual inclinations (sadism, sexual attraction to children, fetishism, etc.), no one will approve of this. The Church, I repeat once again, sympathizes with such people, but says that the most correct solution to the issue would be to humbly bear this life’s cross (and understand this inclination as a cross), and abstain from homosexual encounters. And through this a person will be saved.

Do you think the government should legally allow same-sex marriage? For example, in America, homosexuals are fighting for the right to marry each other.

As for legislative sanctions for such relationships, I am against it. Legislation should not encourage or sanction sin or evil, even if it is socially non-aggressive. Let homosexuals live together if they want, of course there is no need to persecute anyone; who and with whom to live is everyone’s private matter. But legislative approval should not equate this untruth of life with the truth. It seems to me that at the state level no sin should have support, although through condescension towards human weaknesses at the everyday level we can put up with something.

 ( (Robin Norwood)
How to overcome love addiction (part 2) ( Robin Norwood)
Is it possible to marry for love? ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
Is parental blessing required for marriage? ( Elena Chemekova, psychologist)
Why shouldn't you lose your virginity before marriage? ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
Bride and groom. Engagement. Wedding ( Archpriest Maxim Kozlov)
About marriage and family life ( Holy Queen Alexandra Feodorovna Romanova)
The mystery of love. Conversation on Christian Marriage ( Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh)