“Secret support. Attachment in a child’s life” Lyudmila Petranovskaya
Secret support, Attachment in a child’s life, Petranovskaya L.V., 2015.
The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Slightly more complex parents are only placed in favorable environment, and there you go. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.
From birth to one year. An invitation to life.
And it starts the same for everyone. Two people who are connected as closely as possible, but at the same time do not know each other at all, have not even seen each other in person. Nine months of complete merger: total blood, common air, common experiences. Nine months of accumulation and growth, bizarre changes and subtle mutual adjustments - and several difficult hours of transition from world to world. for that. to leave the warm universe of the mother's body and separate. Finally they look into each other's eyes. The mother's gaze is clouded with tears, from fatigue. from tenderness, from relief, from pity. And the look of a newborn (if he was born without problems, is not exhausted by childbirth and is not pumped full of drugs) is serious, clear and focused. Full composure.
In these minutes and hours he looks into the face of fate itself. He imprints in the depths of memory the main face in his life, the face of a person who will become the demiurge of his world, who will disperse clouds in this world or cause cruel floods, give bliss or expel him from paradise. to populate the world with monsters or angels, to execute or have mercy, to give or to take away, and most likely - both intermixed. There's a reason to be serious. Thus begins a life-long story, a story of a bond that will connect the child and mother almost as tightly as the umbilical cord connected. Holding on to this connection, he will go out into the world. how an astronaut connected to a spacecraft goes into outer space. Unlike the umbilical cord. This connection is not material, it is woven from mental acts: from feelings, from decisions, from actions, from smiles and glances, from dreams and self-sacrifice, it is common to all people and unique to each parent and each child. It doesn’t go from belly to belly,” but from heart to heart (in fact, of course, from brain to brain, but it sounds prettier that way). Attachment. A miracle no less than pregnancy itself. And no less than life itself.
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Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support: attachment in a child's life
Loved you for no special reason
Because you are a daughter
Because you are a son
Because baby
Because you are growing,
Because he looks like his dad and mom.
And this love until the end of your days
It will remain your secret support.
V. Berestov
Introduction
The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Parents who are a little more complex only place them in a favorable environment, and then they do it themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.
If you look from this point of view, man is indeed the crown of creation. Because we have the most helpless babies and the longest childhood on the planet - a quarter of life. It takes years before a child can cope without adults. Moreover, with the progress of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthening; once upon a time, childhood definitely ended at twelve, but now at twenty-two it does not always end.
It turns out that a creature will grow up that does not just implement the programs written in the genes, like billions of his ancestors for millions of years and him, like some cockroaches, but builds his life, thinks about the structure of the universe, asks eternal questions of existence, has values, dares, believes, loves - in a word, a rational and free being is quite necessary long period complete helplessness and dependence. In some miraculous way, it is dependence that transforms into freedom, it is precisely the complete initial inability to adapt to the world that transforms into the ability to creatively change this world.
Everyone who was born human and grew up has passed this path in one way or another. Everyone who raises children follows it. In this book we will go through it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and try to understand: how does it work?
I want to say right away: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have another life in parallel to devote to research and verify every statement. But I don’t have a second life, and in this one I chose to be a practitioner. So, at my own peril and risk, I am simply telling you how I see, feel, and understand it. With examples from my life, from the stories of clients and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and on playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, attachment theory is a completely scientific theory, there are many interesting studies and publications on it, some of which I will refer to throughout the story. But I am fully aware that not all statements of this theory, and certainly not all statements in this book, are fully scientifically confirmed, and some are generally difficult to verify. Attachment theory is not yet mainstream psychological science, there are still fewer studies and books dedicated to it than we would like. In Russia, attachment theory is simply little known. And it's a shame because I don't know this moment approach to the study of man, the study of childhood, an approach to education and psychotherapy that is more profound, accurate and effective in practical work. Many problems that poison the lives of many people could simply not be created if you knew how the child’s relationship with his parents works. And many already created and even familiar ones could be solved quite successfully and reliably. I am sure that someday this will be realized, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied truly deeply, and many new and important things will be revealed to us that will change people’s lives for the better.
But my clients and readers are raising kids today, and they can't wait. Therefore, today I am sharing with you what I can, without presenting what is written as the ultimate truth. Read, observe, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If something is going differently in your life, in your relationship with your child, do not immediately get scared and look for where you are going wrong. It is impossible to describe all possible options and situations in the text of the book, and real life always more complex than the most developed theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written, if it happens to him differently or even exactly the opposite - just think about why this could be. The child may have his own pace of development or character traits, you may have special circumstances in your life now or some time ago, and finally, I just could be wrong. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this one is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love him, you know him, you understand him, you feel him like no one else, even if at times it seems to you that you don’t understand him at all. A specialist’s opinion is important information for reflection; it is a way to see your situation from the outside, an opportunity to see problems in the broader context of culture, tradition, and even the evolution of our species. But it’s up to you to decide what to do right now with your own baby who is crying, fighting or scared, and if your intuition, driven by love and care, says something different from the book, listen to your intuition.
Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support: attachment in a child's life
Loved you for no special reasonBecause you are a daughterBecause you are a son Because baby Because you are growing,Because he looks like his dad and mom.And this love until the end of your daysIt will remain your secret support.
V. Berestov
Introduction
The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Parents who are a little more complex only place them in a favorable environment, and then they do it themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.
If you look from this point of view, man is indeed the crown of creation. Because we have the most helpless babies and the longest childhood on the planet - a quarter of life. It takes years before a child can cope without adults. Moreover, with the progress of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthening; once upon a time, childhood definitely ended at twelve, but now at twenty-two it does not always end.
It turns out that a creature will grow up that does not just implement the programs written in the genes, like billions of his ancestors for millions of years and him, like some cockroaches, but builds his life, thinks about the structure of the universe, asks eternal questions of existence, has values, dares, believes, loves - in a word, a rational and free being, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is necessary. In some miraculous way, it is dependence that transforms into freedom, it is precisely the complete initial inability to adapt to the world that transforms into the ability to creatively change this world.
Everyone who was born human and grew up has passed this path in one way or another. Everyone who raises children follows it. In this book we will go through it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and try to understand: how does it work?
I want to say right away: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have another life in parallel to devote to research and verify every statement. But I don’t have a second life, and in this one I chose to be a practitioner. So, at my own peril and risk, I am simply telling you how I see, feel, and understand it. With examples from my life, from the stories of clients and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and on playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, attachment theory is a completely scientific theory, there are many interesting studies and publications on it, some of which I will refer to throughout the story. But I am fully aware that not all statements of this theory, and certainly not all statements in this book, are fully scientifically confirmed, and some are generally difficult to verify. Attachment theory is not yet the mainstream of psychological science; there are fewer studies and books devoted specifically to it than we would like. In Russia, attachment theory is simply little known. And this is a great pity, because at the moment I do not know an approach to the study of a person, the study of childhood, an approach to education and psychotherapy that is more profound, accurate and effective in practical work. Many problems that poison the lives of many people could simply not be created if you knew how the child’s relationship with his parents works. And many already created and even familiar ones could be solved quite successfully and reliably. I am sure that someday this will be realized, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied truly deeply, and many new and important things will be revealed to us that will change people’s lives for the better.
But my clients and readers are raising kids today, and they can't wait. Therefore, today I am sharing with you what I can, without presenting what is written as the ultimate truth. Read, observe, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If something is going differently in your life, in your relationship with your child, do not immediately get scared and look for where you are going wrong. It is impossible to describe all possible options and situations in the text of the book, and real life is always more complex than the most elaborate theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written, if it happens to him differently or even exactly the opposite - just think about why this could be. The child may have his own pace of development or character traits, you may have special circumstances in your life now or some time ago, and finally, I just could be wrong. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this one is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love him, you know him, you understand him, you feel him like no one else, even if at times it seems to you that you don’t understand him at all. A specialist’s opinion is important information for reflection; it is a way to see your situation from the outside, an opportunity to see problems in the broader context of culture, tradition, and even the evolution of our species. But it’s up to you to decide what to do right now with your own baby who is crying, fighting or scared, and if your intuition, driven by love and care, says something different from the book, listen to your intuition.
Lyudmila Petranovskaya, author of the series of books for children “What to do if...”, a famous psychologist-teacher, leader of webinars on family relationships and winner of the Presidential Prize of the Russian Federation, presents the continuation of the series “Close People: Psychology of Relationships”. The previous book, “If it’s difficult with a child,” became a bestseller for parents and provided answers to the most popular questions in raising children. A new book will be useful not only for young mothers, but also for those who want to rethink their relationship with their possibly grown-up child. You will learn: - how a child’s attachment to his parents is formed from a very early age to adolescence; - why the roles of Mentor and Parent are far from the same thing; - how to become a support for your child in life. IF YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD, IT WILL BE EASIER FOR YOU TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. The answers to the most difficult questions lie there. Should I study? early development or let everything take its course? Should I send him to kindergarten or leave him with my grandmother? Should I punish at the request of the teacher and does this make sense? Should a teenager be given the freedom he desires? And finally, how to maintain a relationship with a child when he is already an adult? Find the answers to these questions by following your childhood step by step with Lyudmila Petranovskaya.
About the book
- Name: Secret support. Attachment in a child's life
- Lyudmila Petranovskaya
- Genre: Pedagogy
- Series:-
- ISBN:978-5-17-084861-4, 978-5-17-086158-3
- Pages: 45
- Translation:-
- Publisher: AST, Times 2
- Year: 2015
EBook
Loved you for no special reason
Because you are a daughter
Because you are a son
Because baby
Because you are growing,
Because he looks like his dad and mom.
And this love until the end of your days
It will remain your secret support.
V. Berestov
Introduction
The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Parents who are a little more complex only place them in a favorable environment, and then they do it themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds are already incubating, feeding and...
Text provided by the copyright holder http://www.litres.ru/pages/biblio_book/?art=8742586
“Secret support: attachment in a child’s life / Lyudmila Petranovskaya; thin Andrey Selivanov": AST; Moscow; 2015
ISBN 978-5-17-084861-4
annotation
Lyudmila Petranovskaya, the author of the series of books for children “What to do if...”, a famous psychologist-teacher, leader of webinars on family relationships and winner of the Presidential Prize of the Russian Federation, presents the continuation of the series “CLOSED PEOPLE: Psychology of Relationships”. The book will be useful not only for young mothers, but also for those who want to rethink the relationship with their possibly grown-up child.
Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support: attachment in a child's life
Loved you for no special reason
Because you are a daughter
Because you are a son
Because baby
Because you are growing,
Because he looks like his dad and mom.
And this love until the end of your days
It will remain your secret support.
V. Berestov
Introduction
The entire evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living creatures are born indistinguishable from their “parents”; they do not need anything from their ancestors. Parents who are a little more complex only place them in a favorable environment, and then they do it themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. Some insects do this. Certain species of fish already protect their fry. Many reptiles protect clutches of eggs and look after hatchlings. But the birds always hatch, feed and teach the chicks, sometimes performing miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of their offspring. Baby mammals do not survive without adult care, and their childhood is longer than that of chicks. The parents of the cubs not only feed, protect and teach them - they play with them, caress them, console them, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, and prepare them for communication in the pack.
If you look from this point of view, man is indeed the crown of creation. Because we have the most helpless babies and the longest childhood on the planet - a quarter of life. It takes years before a child can cope without adults. Moreover, with the progress of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthening; once upon a time, childhood definitely ended at twelve, but now at twenty-two it does not always end.
It turns out that a creature will grow up that does not just implement the programs written in the genes, like billions of his ancestors for millions of years and him, like some cockroaches, but builds his life, thinks about the structure of the universe, asks eternal questions of existence, has values, dares, believes, loves - in a word, a rational and free being, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is necessary. In some miraculous way, it is dependence that transforms into freedom, it is precisely the complete initial inability to adapt to the world that transforms into the ability to creatively change this world.
Everyone who was born human and grew up has passed this path in one way or another. Everyone who raises children follows it. In this book we will go through it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and try to understand: how does it work?
I want to say right away: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have another life in parallel to devote to research and verify every statement. But I don’t have a second life, and in this one I chose to be a practitioner. So, at my own peril and risk, I am simply telling you how I see, feel, and understand it. With examples from my life, from the stories of clients and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and on playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, attachment theory is a completely scientific theory, there are many interesting studies and publications on it, some of which I will refer to throughout the story. But I am fully aware that not all statements of this theory, and certainly not all statements in this book, are fully scientifically confirmed, and some are generally difficult to verify. Attachment theory is not yet the mainstream of psychological science; there are fewer studies and books devoted specifically to it than we would like. In Russia, attachment theory is simply little known. And this is a great pity, because at the moment I do not know an approach to the study of a person, the study of childhood, an approach to education and psychotherapy that is more profound, accurate and effective in practical work. Many problems that poison the lives of many people could simply not be created if you knew how the child’s relationship with his parents works. And many already created and even familiar ones could be solved quite successfully and reliably. I am sure that someday this will be realized, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied truly deeply, and many new and important things will be revealed to us that will change people’s lives for the better.
But my clients and readers are raising kids today, and they can't wait. Therefore, today I am sharing with you what I can, without presenting what is written as the ultimate truth. Read, observe, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If something is going differently in your life, in your relationship with your child, do not immediately get scared and look for where you are going wrong. It is impossible to describe all possible options and situations in the text of the book, and real life is always more complex than the most elaborate theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written, if it happens to him differently or even exactly the opposite - just think about why this could be. The child may have his own pace of development or character traits, you may have special circumstances in your life now or some time ago, and finally, I just could be wrong. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this one is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love him, you know him, you understand him, you feel him like no one else, even if at times it seems to you that you don’t understand him at all. A specialist’s opinion is important information for reflection; it is a way to see your situation from the outside, an opportunity to see problems in the broader context of culture, tradition, and even the evolution of our species. But it’s up to you to decide what to do right now with your own baby who is crying, fighting or scared, and if your intuition, driven by love and care, says something different from the book, listen to your intuition.
In the book we will go with the child and his parents through his entire childhood: from birth to adulthood. We'll build a road map to growing up and look at the role of attachment in this process. Of course, the development of a child is multifaceted, his body, his intellect and abilities change and develop, but we will focus only on one line: his relationships with “his” adults, how they, on the one hand, depend on the development of everything else, on the other - influence this development. Each chapter of the book is another stage of childhood. Each stage brings new challenges for the age, new needs of the child, new opportunities, but also new risks if the needs are not met. We will try to understand the logic: how dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, how our love and care year after year form in a child a secret support on which, like a pivot, his personality rests.
Our way along road map will be accompanied by examples and observations from life, and sometimes from literature or cinema. It will be great if each time you take a brief break from the book and remember similar - or dissimilar - situations that you yourself were in or that you observed, and try to analyze them from the point of view of what you read. Or maybe you want to reread something or review it from a new angle.
Sometimes we will, as it were, rise above our path for small theoretical excursions in order to understand how it works. If the topic seems particularly interesting to you, it makes sense to find and read the books to which I provide links. I promise not to overload the narrative with terms and to mention only those that, in my opinion, are key to our topic.
As we move along the route, we will from time to time draw practical conclusions: how to behave as an adult, what to do and what not to do, so that the child develops in accordance with nature’s plan, is filled with affection and successfully turns it into independence. And so that it would be easier and more joyful for you with him, and that parenthood would be a happiness for you that requires dedication, and not hard labor or an exam that is always passed to who knows who with the fear of making a mistake.
* * *
According to the plan, the book you are holding in your hands will be the first part of the “Close People” series, dedicated to various aspects of attachment. In this first one, we will go through a “good” childhood from beginning to end, a childhood without any special problems or disasters, and we will try to understand what the experience of attachment gives a person, how relationships with their adults help create the core of personality, largely determining the whole later life. Hence the name: “Secret Support”. By understanding the logic of the development of your relationship with your child, you can make it better, and as we will see, exactly a good relationship, deep and secure attachment underlie both good behavior and the successful development of a child’s potential. It is not “developmental methods”, but relationships with parents that give children the best start in life - and we will see this together, following step by step through childhood.
The second book, “Children Wounded to the Soul,” will be sadder - it will talk about what happens if a blow of fate or difficult circumstances disrupts the prosperous route planned by nature. We'll talk about attachment trauma and attachment disorders. This topic is very close to me, because I have been working for many years with adoptive parents, parents of children who have been wounded in the soul. However, no one is immune from attachment injuries, and the most prosperous family in the social sense experiences losses, separations, divorces, illnesses, sudden changes and other circumstances that are very sensitive for the child. Parents also do not always know how to provide care: they may not understand the child or offend them, even if they love them. We will talk about what happens to children in such situations and how we can help them. This book will be very closely related to the first, so I will often refer here and here to it.
The third book - it just so happens - has already been published, it is called “If it’s difficult with a child.” It is practical, dedicated to all those situations when we do not know what to do, when contact with the child is lost, when we are confused in our own educational attitudes and methods. It proposes to understand what is happening precisely from the point of view of attachment theory, so some points resonate with what will be discussed here. Many parents have already read it and claim that it works. Yes, it works. If you urgently need help, if things have become difficult for you and your child, you can start there; the very essence of attachment theory is briefly outlined there.
And finally, the fourth book - it will be additional and parallel to the third, and will be called, accordingly, “If it’s difficult to be a parent.” I haven’t even started yet, but I really want to, because after many years of working with parents, I know well how difficult it can be for them. How one’s own attachment traumas cover oneself, how difficult it can be to withstand the pressure of society and own family, defending their child and his right to grow up in affection, what heroic, unparalleled efforts to change themselves parents make for the sake of their children. The more I work, the more I love and respect parents, so different, and so selfless in their love for their children. And I would really like to write a book just for them, about how you can become a better parent for your children than your own were.
Perhaps, over time, some other books will appear in the series, but I consider these four to be a must-done and will try very hard to write them in the foreseeable future. And if you are ready to take this journey through childhood along the path of attachment, then let's begin.
