Contrary to public opinion: stories of women who did not want to take their husband's surname. Should I take my husband's last name after marriage?

"As for my husband's surname and the consequences of the choice. I check everything with the Bible and only trust it completely. There is nothing there

said about this. Another thing is important - following God's advice for both husband and wife."

It would seem that you can’t argue with arguments where people refer to the Bible, but after genealogy became my hobby, I studied the history of my family, then I had other thoughts about this:

1. And if the Bible said “a wife should take her husband’s surname,” women would you take her? or would you look for new opportunities not to take? :)

2. It is hardly possible to find words in the Bible that a wife should take her husband’s surname, simply because the surname arose only in the 19th century, and the Bible is more 20 centuries ago, In my opinion, words in the Bible that a wifeMy husband and I are one flesh, one whole, which means that they have the same surname. It’s not for nothing that I decided to take my husband’s last name. The fact that this is not the case now, or that the husband takes his wife’s surname, is already an innovation. Our ancestors were wiser, I trust them more. Instead of a surname, they used to call the name of the man to whom the children and wife belong, i.e. they said it was Philip's wife, but about Philip they said that this is Philip the son of so-and-so, it is unlikely that anyone said that this his wife Maria, daughter of Paul. Studying the history of my family, reaching the 6th generation, I can say that women They are perceived as one with their husband; it is difficult to find their maiden names.

3. When the Ivanov family and the family of Ivan Ivanov and Marfa Sidorova speak, the difference is felt. Personally, I feel it. To bear the same surname, in my opinion, recognizes oneself as one whole and people have a different attitude towards these people. Having worked as a tourism agent in the past, I can say that in the East they attach great importance to this. For example, a woman who has not taken her husband’s surname may be denied entry into the Emirates.

4. I agree about the fact that the main thing is to follow advice for husband and wife. But the law of life is that what is internally manifests itself externally. When a wife accepts her husband, she changes outwardly and behaves differently. It’s like a person says that there is harmony in the soul, but at the same time it looks inharmonious. Or a person says that in his soul he loves and adores himself, but outwardly he doesn’t take care of himself at all, saying that it’s not important. The internal is just as important as the external. And if a wife accepts her husband, she will want to take his last name.

5. When you say that changing your last name is difficult, you don’t want to change your documents, then I think this upsets the life balance of take and give. A man accomplished a feat - he took him as his wife, this is a feat for many men, but why then doesn’t a woman do a feat for him, change her last name, even if it’s difficult?

6. Saying to have one surname for two it doesn’t matter, then let’s live in a civil marriage. Why is there a difference in putting a stamp in your passport, but not in changing your last name in your passport? I am still sure that with one last name a man behaves differently, feels a woman differently and treats her differently, and a woman behaves differently.

You can talk a lot about this, here it’s better to check how your husband and you will change with the same last name)) I invite you to tell in the comments exactly such cases, it is not necessary to discuss or change, but to show by example what came of it! It’s also interesting to read how you feel when you meet a family with different surnames?

When you're planning a wedding, you make a lot of decisions, from the theme, the music, to the venue. But there is a decision that is much more important than all this fuss - changing your last name. According to recent studies, about 80 percent of brides take their husband's last name, while 20 percent prefer to keep their maiden name. What decision would be correct in your case? Here we will talk about some things you should know before taking your husband's last name.

Pros of changing your last name

Have you decided to be one with your husband in this sense? Here are the arguments that support your intentions.

One last name for two makes life easier, especially when you have children. Most likely, you will see this when you go on a family trip, send your child to kindergarten or school, and even just when you communicate with other parents.

If for some reason you don’t like your last name, then this is just a good reason to quickly change it.

Many brides believe that one last name for two helps them feel like a full-fledged family; changing it is an important and official symbol of commitment to each other.

Some More Benefits

Placing monograms on household goods, ordering dinners at home and restaurant tables, making any purchases with home delivery - everything becomes much easier (although this is not the best argument in this matter).

It doesn’t matter whether you change your last name or not, it’s worth considering that many people old school they will still perceive you as one family, accordingly, and call each other Sidorova (after your husband), even if you are actually Petrova. Whether you like it or not, this is how it will be. You will even receive invitations to various family celebrations, where only one last name will be indicated (of course, the husband). Maybe changing your last name isn't such a bad thing.

Let's talk about the cons

Don't forget that 20 percent of women keep their maiden names after marriage. This list of reasons may lead you to want to increase this percentage.

You get married, not become a different person. Changing your last name can mean losing yourself or losing your identity. Therefore, it is quite normal to get married, but at the same time leave your maiden name.

This may also be contrary to your policies and principles. Why should women take such a step, and not men? What then to do with same-sex partners? In addition, changing your last name may mean that a person is more old-fashioned than he actually is.

If you are the last bearer of a surname in your family, then it is quite normal to refuse to change it.

Why else would such a step be undesirable?

If your last name is unique, interesting and easy to pronounce, which cannot be said about the entry in your partner’s passport, then it is better to leave everything as it is. Perhaps life will be easier for you and your children.

If you're pretty famous person, then after the wedding it may be difficult for you to restore your reputation with a different surname.

Luckily, you don't have to make such a difficult choice today because there are other options to consider.

What else can you do?

Hyphenate your last names. Sometimes only the bride does this, while the groom remains as is. There are times when both change their last names and write them with a hyphen. In such cases, both of you can discuss and decide whose will go first in the documents.

Enter your maiden name as your second name. So you may sometimes use your maiden name and sometimes your husband's name, depending on the circumstances.

If you're the last of your family and worried it won't continue, consider using the same name as your partner, but keeping your maiden name as your child's first or second name. This great way preserve the family legacy.

Why shouldn't a man do this instead of a woman? So far, only a small percentage of married couples take this route. Such actions indicate that you are modern and are not at all afraid to change traditions. If your last name is much better than your husband's, then you can win this fight.

You can combine both surnames into one. If you are Chaikin and he is Polevoy, why don't you combine them together? Indeed - there is nothing that prevents you from choosing completely new option. Think of it as an opportunity to create a new last name for two.

Officially and legally, you can use the same name as your husband to make it easier to travel with children, deal with school and other personal issues, but still use your maiden name in a professional setting. Although there will be a small problem when you have to change your job, it will greatly improve your daily life.

No matter what you decide, be sure to listen to your heart and make the decision that is best for your personal situation. Remember the main thing - this decision will affect not only your later life, but also your children, so be sure to weigh the pros and cons.

The desire to write on this topic was born after a spontaneous dialogue with my wife. I was sure that she took my last name voluntarily and at her own discretion. But, as it turned out, she asked me directly whether I wanted it or not. The subconscious voice, naturally, answered “Yes!”, but the realization of making such an important decision only now dawned on me. That is, the fact happened to please me, but I wanted to find out what was behind it myself, so I decided to dig not only in myself, but also in various sources. And in general, should a wife take her husband's surname?

Centuries-old tradition

In the traditions and cultures of most peoples of the world, a girl who marries a man must take his surname. This is a symbolic gesture, signifying her transition from the clan and guardianship of her father to the wing of her husband. In even earlier times, when there were no surnames, a woman's affiliation was designated by the name of her husband. When identifying surnames were universally adopted, they were also applied to wives.

A similar state of affairs is noted in the Gospel: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh; so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mark; chapter 10, verses 7,8,9). And given that patriarchal society still rules the roost, how can a woman be considered one with a man without taking his surname?

And the definition of family and clan could not be considered complete and correct if someone in it bears a different surname. It is no coincidence that in Rus' there were entire villages of the Ivanovs, Kuznenovs and Filatovs. And if someone masters the study in English and compares our word “surname” and the English “family”, he will discover, not without surprise, that it is translated into Russian as “family”. That is, in fact, a surname is a person’s belonging to a certain family, whether you are a man or a woman. Whichever family you live in, that’s the last name you bear. And vice versa. But these days the situation has changed.

Why don't women take their husband's last name?

There are two most common reasons for not taking your husband’s surname, and one, in my opinion, follows from the other: laziness to change documents and the emancipation of the modern female sex.

Feminism created many revolutions in the minds of people in the twentieth century, and the main thing is gender equality. To be honest, I still cannot understand how one can equate one genetically stronger sex with another more sensitive and gentle one. It was predetermined from above who should be responsible for what in the family, in everyday life, in life. But faith in human abilities (excessive faith) suddenly began to change the foundations that were already many centuries old.

This is where the manifestation of disrespect between the female sex and the male sex comes from. And we can’t blame only women for this. In this matter, I am by no means a supporter of finding one culprit and unleashing all the dogs on him. Men showed weakness and lost their dominant status. And a vacant place is never empty for long. Therefore, all the talk about being too lazy to change your passport and a bunch of other documents is a banal manifestation of disrespect for your own husband. Moreover, this is not always intentional disrespect; sometimes it is subconscious. And sometimes a woman’s desire to maintain her independence and her chin held high results in her deciding to keep her father’s surname.

Comparing the information received, we get the following: a woman who voluntarily refused to take her husband’s surname also refuses to be accepted into the family of the man she has chosen. In global terms, Petrova, who refused to become Ivanova, decides to remain in the Petrov family and not join the Ivanov family. Hence the different surnames of mothers and their children. Formally, her children belong to the Ivanov family, and she belongs to the Petrov family. Different surnames for children and parents - characteristic families in modern world, which concerns, naturally, only those who generally highly appreciate the significance of the concept of genus.

My attitude to changing my last name

Before we begin to discuss this, it is necessary to imagine in advance the situation when my daughter passes from the bosom of my family into the family of her husband. And then it becomes clear why the groom comes to get married, and the bride (daughter) asks permission to get married. Now this is an empty formality, which is given the same importance as conducting round dances around the New Year tree - it’s just customary, but no one knows what and why. But in fact, young people will come to me asking permission for the girl to join the groom’s family, thereby leaving my family. And it is in the groom’s family that his father will be able to call my daughter his daughter, unlike me, who will not be able to call his daughter’s chosen one son, because he is from a different family. This is very important point, which you understand only when detailed study and indeed serious attitude to the concept of gender. In today's multicultural society, such ideas are not at all popular, but this does not mean that I personally and my family will not adhere to them.

That is why it is actually very important for me that my wife bears my last name and is my companion in continuing the family line. And the question “Should a wife take her husband’s surname” causes me sincere surprise. Therefore, if someone asks me a question about my attitude towards such a popular trend of not taking my husband’s last name, then I will say that I have a negative attitude towards it. But I judge this from my bell tower, which may be saturated with excessive conservatism, but nevertheless is an established life principle that actually sits in me subconsciously, because I decided to delve deeper into this topic only now. And decisions on this issue were made in advance.

As a postscript, to keep things honest, my wife's opinion on this issue:

I never dreamed that when I got married, I would be obliged to take my husband’s last name. I was going to stay with mine. Although I wasn’t against it. I had a neutral attitude towards my old surname, without negativity or fanaticism. She asked Dima in advance if he wanted this, to which she received an affirmative nod. In fact, changing my last name was my completely rash act. What upset me more was that I would need to change some documents, and this would take some time and, of course, nerves. But everything went without any problems, quickly. It’s not for nothing that in some languages ​​the word “family” sounds like “surname”. Now I am very glad that our family is under the same name, especially since I am going to live dozens of joyful and for long years. And problems with changing documents are just a trifle compared to them.

Why does it take so many formalities for your feelings to be taken seriously by society? After all, indeed, to what is popularly called civil marriage many are at least dismissive.

The stamp in the passport and other relevant attributes are considered an indicator of feelings. Apparently, this is why every third official marriage breaks up.

For example, I know a couple who, having lived happily for 10 years without a signature, broke up just a couple of months after the notorious stamp appeared in their passports. Yes, officialdom in their case turned out to be, in fact, force.

But be that as it may, most of us girls, driven by society, dream of seeing ourselves in a ringed state. This is a kind of stability, albeit illusory at times, this is status.

But in addition to the stamp, the future husband and wife are faced with one more question, which can also be attributed to officialdom - what surname to take?

My husband's surname as a tribute to tradition

Again, society, with its characteristic uncompromising nature, has determined that husband and wife are required to bear the same surname, and the one under which the spouse was born.

In fact, this tradition dates back to ancient times. The husband took his wife into his home, and she became part of the family, its successor.

That's how it is. But if we care so much about traditions, then let our parents choose our husbands, and we women will stop going to work and will only do housework and handicrafts.

Why does continuity of traditions seem funny in some ways, while in others it is perceived as the norm? No, I am not advocating for anyone not to change their last name when getting married. In no case. I'm just saying that this should be a personal desire, and not an imposition. And society must treat this normally.

For example, I didn’t change my last name. Why? I didn't see the need for this. For what? Does it take a long time to get used to the new consonance of your full name? Or in order to run around authorities and change documents? Or in order to prove something to someone? I love my husband anyway, even though I have my maiden name. He knows about this and also loves me with my initials.

Changing your surname is nothing more than a tribute to tradition. And sometimes this tribute brings nothing but problems.

I have one friend. She got married, changed her last name, became pregnant and... divorced. Why she didn’t immediately return her maiden name, I don’t know. Most likely, she didn’t attach any importance to it. After all, their divorce turned out to be noisy, and they parted far from being friends. So her head was filled with the wrong things.

As a result, she gave birth to a daughter, who, of course, was also registered in her father’s last name. And he, by the way, did not even want to be included in her birth certificate. In fact, he abandoned his daughter.

Then the girl’s parents rebelled, who did not want their beloved girls, daughter and granddaughter, to bear the surname of their hated former son-in-law.

Then the girl spent a long time changing her last name, not only hers, but also her daughter’s. As a result, I didn’t enroll the baby in kindergarten in due time. In other words, it turned out to be a real snowball of problems that could have been avoided literally with the stroke of a pen by making the appropriate note in the application to the registry office.

But here, as they say, if you knew where you would fall, you could lay down straws.

And as a means for male tranquility

Another point that often becomes the reason forcing a girl to decide to change her last name is a man’s idea of ​​marriage and family. For many representatives strong half of humanity, the refusal to bear their last name, if not akin to treason or betrayal, is an indicator of the chosen one’s dislike, that’s for sure.

Some men perceive this as humiliation. But why? It's simple. They are also oppressed by the public, they are worried that some Ivanov or Petrov will begin to “mock” the situation.

But if these Petrov-Ivanovs do this, then they are far from being very intelligent. For these reasons, listening to them, let alone being offended by them, is stupid.

By and large, I am sure that the word “accepted” has no place in relationships. Everyone determines their format themselves. And if, for example, a husband and wife crow together every morning, and then laugh about it for a long time, hugging each other, then this is normal! After all, only what suits both partners is normal in a relationship.

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