How to release a child into adulthood.

After finishing school, many children literally fly away from their parents' nest - on planes to another city to continue their studies at a university or college. How to cope with your fears and the conviction that without a mother the child will be lost?

Steps to freedom

Cutting the “psychological umbilical cord” is very difficult even for those parents whose children do not intend to leave their parental home. As sad as it may be, it is during the period when a child grows up that all the problems that have accumulated during his upbringing come to light. For example, if a student is used to spending all his pocket money on chips and soda, parents will be afraid for his food quality and expenses.

■ Try to accept the fact that a child not only can, but should be independent at the age of 18. It is unlikely that at the age of 22 he would have become the youngest billionaire in history if he had sat quietly under his mother’s wing. And you don’t have to say: “Well, mine is not such a genius...” If you don’t let him take a step on his own, he really may not be able to prove himself. Remember your youth: how did you perceive parental care?

■ Growing up is not a moment, but a whole period. If you are not ready to let your child go, you will still have to convince yourself that you need to start doing this right now, so that by the age of 20-25 he will have accumulated experience of mistakes and achievements. Then, by the time he creates his own family and builds a career, he will already have developed certain life guidelines.

■ Difficulties in “letting go” of a child are often associated with problems of trust in him. If this is the case, think about how to control the situations that worry you, but not deprive your son or daughter of independence. For example, if you are afraid that your child will be drawn into some kind of adventure when getting a job, ask him to show a copy of the contract.

Field of Dreams

When a child goes to another city, many parents imagine a picture similar to the one from the fairy tale about Pinocchio: insidious swindlers take away all the money, while promising mountains of gold, and most importantly, preventing them from studying! At the same time, not only ill-wishers, but also a son’s beloved girlfriend or a group of daughter’s friends fall into the category of “crooks.” Is the child’s new environment so dangerous?

■ The appearance of friends and acquaintances- a sign of successful adaptation of a newly graduated student. Therefore, because of unfamiliar words, new habits and beliefs.

■ The more friends he has, the higher the likelihood that he will not be left alone in difficult situation. Therefore, try to establish formal and superficial contacts with these friends on social networks. But don’t intrude and don’t try to find out something about your child through them!

■ The way a teenager manages freedom illustrates his ambitions and life priorities. If, once in Big city, he will plunge headlong into entertainment, you and your father are unlikely to be able to make him sit at his desk with angry calls and messages. Try to be your child's ally in any situation so that he is not afraid to return home in case of failure.

■ Success in studies and obtaining a profession depend on a person's own motivation. Therefore, if the idea of ​​becoming a doctor belonged to you, but the child wanted something else and now, away from home, has decided to change his specialty, you will have to accept your defeat with dignity and discuss it together future plans.

Three crusts of bread

Parents are especially concerned about the physical comfort of the child. Will he think of calling a doctor if he is sick? Will she forget about her allergy to flowers? Will he be able to? Practice shows that even the most capricious sissies, accustomed to having breakfast in bed with a change of dishes, instantly learn to fry eggs in the dorm and eat them without salt or a fork before their roommates arrive. The feeling of hunger and everyday unsettlement are the main engines of progress and perfectly motivate yesterday’s schoolchild to appreciate every penny and simple everyday joys.

■ Many everyday problems often escape the attention of teenagers. They may simply not think about how clean laundry gets into the closet or soup into the pan. Try to fill these gaps by providing your child with simple recipes dishes and some “everyday” instructions. Tell him that he can call at any time - you will tell him everything! It is also important to tell your child about alternative ways out of situations. For example, if not hot water, you can heat it in a saucepan instead of rushing around looking for a boiler.

■ Don't terrorize a child interrogations with passion and endless reminders of how to eat, dress and be treated. Don’t force him to brush off annoying lectures by provoking him to secrecy. Behave in such a way that he himself wants to share both successes and problems.

First experience

Summer camp- very important experience independent life schoolboy. Don't deprive your child of this.

1. Don't send him far away. Let the camp be no more than 80 km from home, so that you can pick up the child at any time.
2. Stick to the packing list provided by the organizers. It is compiled based on the experiences of other children and will help avoid surprises.
3. If a child is going to camp for the first time, try to find him a trusted companion in advance.

How are we without him?..

Don't forget about your own problems. When a child grows up, resources are released in the family that need to be directed somewhere. Many parents don't know what to do free time, to whom to direct your care and control. Not everyone is able to find new interests in life and engage in self-development. Therefore, guardianship of a grown child is often... a cover for one’s confusion and difficulties in adapting to new conditions.

Question to a psychologist

My son is already 21 years old, but I am terribly worried about him, I not only experience constant hysterics if I can’t help him with something, the slightest difficulties he has at work, I immediately begin to think that he is the busiest of all, he is the busiest of all bosses, although I know the boss very well and it seemed to me that we had a pretty good relationship. All my son’s failures upset me, even the slightest ones, such as a car breakdown, etc. At these moments, I can’t think about anything other than that he was very upset. What's going on, I'm constantly in a state of anxiety and on sedatives.

Good afternoon.
You, like any mother, worry and fear for your son. But the intensity of the experience is too high. If you wait for all sorts of troubles, then they are attracted to life. We grow what we pay attention to. Therefore, you need to change your internal attitude, which now sounds something like this: “Oh, I’m afraid you’ll disappear, son!” to an optimistic attitude: “You can handle it yourself, son, I bless you!”
And you, as an anxious mother, in order not to suffocate your child with excessive love and anxiety, just need to find something to do, a hobby, communication. If you want the best for your son, get busy with your life. You have already raised your son, you have a lot of time for yourself!

Vrublevskaya Galina Aleksandrovna, psychologist, Minsk

but I’m terribly worried about him, I’m not just worried, I have constant hysterics

Olga, turn 180 to your beloved. To your dreams, to your goals, to your desires. The son has the right to his life, his successes and downfalls. And you have the right to your own life, without an adult son.

Your concern is respectful. Chances are you've invested a lot in your son. His interests came before yours. It feels like you are not living your life, but the life of your son.

There is only one recommendation here. Let your son go, not only emotionally, but if possible, geographically. Look back at yourself. Take care of yourself, your interests, and communication with friends. The task ahead of you is difficult, but you must understand that this is a natural process of growing up. Children grow up and “fly away from their parents’ nest.” To raise your children and pass on your wisdom to them.

Sincerely.

In the work of a psychologist, the topic of resolving the relationship of an adult with his elderly parent is very common. As a rule, these are cases when a parent wants the child to be involved in his life in order to receive finances, communication, help, and fill his time from him. The psychologist works with such clients to realize where their personal boundaries lie so that they can separate and take responsibility for own life.

However, very often such clients ask the question: “How can I explain this to my mother, because she doesn’t understand this? Help". This is how this article came about - some recommendations for parents whose children are about to “fly out of the nest.” They need to be released psychologically, that is, given the opportunity to live their own lives. But - oh, how difficult it is sometimes to do this!

See the adult in your child

There is a feeling that the most favorite argument of elderly parents who do not want to let their children go is that for them they will always remain children, no matter how old they are. Let's say, a daughter or son has already become an expert in some field, has seen the world, but for the mother he or she is the same: “baby”, “cat”. Well, maybe in small quantities it’s nice, because there’s always some childish part left in us. However, if this is the only type of treatment, then the adult feels inadequate in this.

Of course, you will always have more life experience than your child, but the amount of experience and the ability to be independent are two different things. And you will greatly support your child by recognizing and recognizing his maturity, that is, the ability to solve problems, cope with life, make decisions. And having done this, you will not find yourself in a relationship where you are on top - like a parent for a child, but in a relationship of equals - like an adult with an adult.

Accept the fact of aging

Oddly enough, they say that what makes it difficult to give up a position at the top is that you need to give up the idea that I am young, productive and in charge new life. This means that time passes and the next page in life is already coming, connected with maturity and aging. Many people find it difficult to accept this reality because it forces us to face philosophical problems loneliness, death, the meaning of one's life, questions to which many mothers do not have satisfactory answers. In this case, caring for a child becomes a very convenient excuse not to face these difficult and frightening aspects of human existence. And the separation of a grown child again forces a person to ask himself these questions.

If you find it difficult to accept your age, look for positive examples from people you know or strangers who are harmoniously experiencing old age, and try to become like them. Start reading books on philosophy, religion, psychology, self-development.

Believe that you don't need help to live well

Sometimes, in order to see yourself on an equal footing with your child, you need to give up not only the position from above, as omniscient and experienced, but also from the position from below, as a dependent, unhappy, abandoned person, incapable of independent existence. Often a parent perceives the child’s life as his own property and believes that the child’s time, energy and income belong to him as gratitude for the fact that the parent raised him at one time. This position entails disturbances in the development of the child’s personality, who does not get the opportunity to live his own life and realize his own goals.

The parent takes care of the new person until he is able to take care of himself. A grown child has his own life and his own path, he does not have common project with a parent, they are not partners. And if a parent demands that the child invest in the construction of a dacha or make repairs in an apartment, or build a joint house with parents, this is a manifestation of reluctance to let him go, which comes from the illusion of owning the child’s life, as well as disbelief in his own ability to create for himself good life on your own. Thus, self-confidence is needed in this difficult transition period not only by the newly-made adult, but also by the parent himself, who is also entering a new phase of his life.

Allow your child to make mistakes and learn from their consequences.

Very often, mothers worry because not everything in their child’s life is going as well as it “should be.” There is a desire to take the blame upon yourself, to regret some mistakes. This attitude is a consequence of the illusion that if the parent does everything right, then the child will live a prosperous life, so to speak, without a hitch. This position always leads to a neurotic state of the mother, because it is impossible. Each person learns life from his own own experience, and the child of any parents will make mistakes and have problems in different areas of life.

The essence of human development is to learn to cope with various difficult situations and, as a result of this experience, to become more mature and strong, to develop new qualities of character. Therefore, difficult situations come into the life of every person. If a parent protects a child from facing problems and solves them using their own resources, the parent is robbing the child of the opportunity to grow up and develop. This applies to paying fines, repaying loans, entering a university “through acquaintance,” and so on. In this case, the child may become infantile, trying to escape from problems, and not believing in himself. He learns nothing and continues to make the same mistakes. In addition, he does not learn to appreciate the efforts of other people when they try to help him.

Gently limit your care

There is a saying that you can help someone suffering from hunger in two ways: you can catch a fish and give it to him, but soon he will want to eat again. Or you can give him a fishing rod and teach him to fish himself. Agree, this type of help is more significant. When a child grows into an adult, it is very important function A parent’s job is to teach him to “fish” himself, that is, to take care of himself. This is about caring for appearance, concerns about one’s own health, the ability to communicate with government agencies, fix broken things, etc. Teach your son to choose laundry detergent and turn on the machine. If you see that your child is not doing well, don’t rush to correct the situation. Just inform him about existing methods solutions to this problem. Offer your help, but be prepared to accept no. Let them know that you can be contacted at any time with a question, and very soon you will feel in demand.

Give up reproaches, accusations and demands

The most common problem among young adults is that they feel painful feelings of guilt towards their parents. This is guilt for not living up to expectations, for not being what their parents would like them to be.

Feelings of guilt and inferiority are states that are destructive to the psyche and undermine a person’s self-confidence and ability to accept right decisions, have your own opinion, go your own way. Therefore, before reproaching your child for not caring enough or accusing him of selfishness, think - do you want to fill him with self-doubt or do you still want him (or she) to be a strong, successful person? And if so, then instead of demanding, express your wish, ask politely. Instead of comparing him with your friend's child, tell him directly what you would like, what type of help.

The child usually really wants to somehow help the parent, to do something for him, only he wants to do this not from a state of guilt, but from a state of love and gratitude, and on his own initiative. Don't take this opportunity away from him. And let him live in a way that doesn’t seem right to you. Only a person himself can determine what exactly he needs to be happy.

Stay connected with your child. Let's support in difficult situations

Even if your child has become an adult and independent and lives separately, taking care of own family, he still needs contact with his parents. This is not an everyday connection, but not only on holidays. And no matter what age your adult child is, remember that words of support will always remain one of the most powerful for him. driving forces his inner world. If a person is worried difficult situation, the best thing you can do for him is to tell him that you believe in his ability to handle this and that you will always be there for him.

When a person is already self-sufficient, it may seem to the parent that his child no longer needs him. And this is an underestimation of our role. Yes, you don’t need to provide him financially, but he will always need you as a source of love and support. Tell him about this, believe me, your words will not be lost. And let the child also express his love not through material manifestations, but through emotions and words. After all, there is always a lot of gratitude for the care invested in him, you just need to find a way to express it, and on the part of the parent - a willingness to accept and enjoy.

Nadezhda Grishina

psychologist of the Center successful relationship from 2011 to 2016

This happens to all parents sooner or later: children grow up and go into their own adult life. Parents are still trying to help and protect their child, but it is becoming more and more clear that the grown child will live his own life, make his own mistakes, experience his own successes. Smart psychologists say that a person’s fate is largely determined by the circumstances of the first years of life. Whatever mom and dad and those around them lay down at this time, a person will have to learn to survive in the future. It’s good if conscientious parents take care of the necessary luggage. What if the child got the wrong parents, or didn’t have them at all?
My adopted children came to me not as toddlers, but as fully formed, almost teenagers. Certain features of their character had to be taken into account. I looked, for example, at my eldest, and understood that those things that now seem insignificant, nice (or not so nice) features, can greatly ruin his life in the future. I had plenty of examples of this before my eyes; the work allows me to make observations and conclusions. I was afraid of the child growing up, but no one had ever managed to live life for another person. So it was necessary to somehow prepare him for this independence. It is still very early to draw conclusions about how successfully I coped with this task. Not everything turns out the way I would like. But many of the things that worried me about my child several years ago are gone. Therefore, I decided to talk about my experience, maybe it will be useful for someone.
So, what did I encounter? Firstly, of course, this is his dependence, dependence on others. We are still working with this, although Lately his attitude towards others became noticeably more critical. He no longer takes other people's word for it right off the bat. Why did it happen? It seems to me that it was largely influenced by the fact that I always taught him to draw conclusions from the troubles that happened to him because of his friends. At first it seemed that we were marking time: over and over again he got involved in stories with the help of his “friends”, swore and swore that he would never take anyone’s word for it again and would always think before doing something, and after a week everything repeated. But I was persistent. I didn’t scold, I didn’t say “see, I warned you.” I always acted according to the same scheme:
- let the child feel all the consequences of complete stupidity in the form of reprimands at school, lost money, and sometimes fights;
- give him the opportunity to correct the situation himself, if possible;
- analyze with him why this happened, what exactly in his behavior led to this result.
Quite recently, literally, just a year ago, I saw that the child had learned to see the consequences not after troubles, but in advance. He, of course, still remains a very trusting guy, but he no longer blindly follows everyone he considers his friend at this moment.
The second problem is this “orphan complex”. A habit acquired over many years of getting a lot without putting any effort into it. This is very difficult to deal with. To be honest, I was very discouraged when I realized to what extent my child does not understand the value of money and work. Despite the fact that before me he never had not only what was superfluous, but often what was most necessary. For him, money was and, unfortunately, still remains, only a means of obtaining pleasure. From the moment when his requests crossed the threshold of 50 rubles. for pocket money and my son began to demand independence from parental oppression, I began to actively involve him in discussion family budget. I literally hammered home every month that urgent expenses needed to be covered first, and what was left could be spent. Here, a lot of things are spoiled by the state provision that is due to him as an orphan. We had a moment when a child, in response to my arguments “it’s too expensive, we can’t afford it,” said that he had money, the state was paying him and would continue to pay him. I then did a very simple thing: I started a notebook in which I wrote down all my income in the form of pensions and benefits and expenses for a year. I even included receipts. We filled it out together. This really helped my son to take a more sober look at life. Six months ago, I began to prepare him for the fact that after his 18th birthday he would have to switch to at least partial self-sufficiency. Again, we sat down with him and wrote out: what money he would receive as government support during his studies, what urgent needs he had in the form of utilities and food, how much he would have left and how approximately he would spend this remainder. It helped that the son wanted a car and decided to save for it. Then, in January, after changes in the law, he began to receive a survivor’s pension into his own account. At the same time, we registered it at home, because... They finally decided that he would not go to live in his own house, where he has 1/3 ownership rights. Because it meant leaving our large city, where all his close people and good job prospects are in a small town where there is nothing and no one except a couple of still living alcoholic relatives. He was allocated a room, which the son began to enthusiastically arrange to his liking. I made renovations, bought furniture, and chose everything myself. Not a small part of his savings was spent on this. And now the son is talking about how it will be a bit cramped in the same room for him and his family when he decides to have one, and that it would be nice for him to adjust. Our site allows this, so maybe the savings will be used for this (as I would like, because I consider his desire to buy a car a whim, but I remain silent).

What should a mother do when the child has grown up, but there is still fear for him, control and interference in his life continue. You can see several ways:

The first is to continue “as it was,” i.e. try to continue to control the child, take care of his life in changed conditions, in order to cope with these feelings.

The second is to tell yourself that control and excessive care are bad, you need to get rid of it and start switching to other things, work, hobbies. Those. try to get away from painful feelings, try to switch.

And the third option is to accept feelings and change. Experience with my clients shows that the third option allows you to use the child’s growing up and the strong feelings that arise as a springboard to personal development. After all, emotions are great energy, they can give a lot of strength for happy life. What to do and what to do?

It's worth focusing on these experiences, reflect, go deeper into them. You shouldn’t reproach yourself for being too controlling and worrying about your grown child, or for not wanting to let your beloved child go free. If you observe your emotions and actions, you will be able to see the function, the meaning of your behavior, you will understand why it is for you, what is useful in it. For example, you will be able to see that this is a continuation of the maternal instinct, a manifestation Great love, worries. Or maybe it’s the desire for everything to be sorted out, for everything to be fine...

It’s paradoxical, but it’s better to praise yourself. Use positive phrases to use your emotions to create. Tell yourself: “Yes, I am so caring,” “Yes, I am very sensitive,” “I like order and predictability,” etc. When you find a positive meaning in your feelings, you will stop reproaching yourself, there will be less internal conflicts, the feeling of guilt will go away, self-love will increase. And then you will see that fears become less, anxiety melts, balance and calm come.

Think to yourself. It often happens that mothers had no time for themselves. How much attention was focused on the child, how much nerves, love, and soul were invested. Not to mention the fact that many mothers also worked, earned money, and played the role of wife. And not everyone had enough time and energy for themselves. This withdrawal from oneself, one’s needs, and dreams could become a habit. The child was the center of life - and now he is leaving for another city. Of course it hurts. But on the other hand, this is an opportunity to remember your own life. When you are happy, you can trust children more and become a resource for the child. To regain yourself... ask yourself whether all your needs are met. Is everything good in your relationship with your husband, are you developing as a professional, are you devoting time to your own health and physical improvement, is there time for hobbies, hobbies, creativity, intellectual and spiritual growth. When all your needs are met, you can release the child. Nothing can give as much energy and care as a happy mother. This works on its own. This teaches your children to be happy too.

Understand your children's age goals. Adolescence and adolescence are a special time for personality development. Your grown children are hungry for change; now their peers and companies are more important to them. Parents are not so important now. They are interested in and study relationships: friendly, loving, intimate. They begin to be interested in issues of profession and finance. This is the time of flight of fancy, this is the time when freedom is important. And they are ready to fight for this freedom. If you know what is important to your children, you can be closer to them and be more useful to them. Try to communicate with them as equals, stop evaluating their behavior and giving assessments, advice, eternal recommendations. Don't share your experience unless they ask for it. Don't show concern that they perceive as violating their boundaries. Know that your child is a mature person. Individual soul.