Anger appears. Anger, where and why does it appear, what to do with it? Permission to feel

Anger is a very ancient emotion. All animals periodically experience dissatisfaction if their basic needs are threatened. For a person, anger is one of the basic experiences. It is generally accepted that there are only four of them: fear, sadness, rage and joy. Recently, more surprises have been added to this list.

And although we all get angry, it is customary to condemn such behavior: unlike joy, this emotion is considered “negative” and “unpleasant”, and many would like to never experience it in principle. We figure out why we should not do this, why we need anger and how to express it so that it does not leave destruction in its wake.

Anger, hatred, malice

The amygdala, or amygdala, is actively involved in the formation of rage in the human brain (by the way, the centers responsible for fear are also located in them). The amygdala responds to threat cues from the outside world, so by nature's design, that's what anger is for—it's an emotion-weapon. Unlike fear, it motivates us to defend ourselves by attacking, and from the fight-or-flight dilemma, choose the first option.

In an angry person, the level of adrenaline and noradrenaline rises in the blood, the heartbeat quickens (which is why we sometimes blush when angry), the blood supply to the muscles increases (so that we can fight). You may notice that if you are angry, your whole body tenses up. Facial expressions are also changing: for many, the wings of the nose swell and the upper lip tightens - hello to the bestial grin.

In general, anger is a defensive reaction. The ability to restrain its manifestations is necessary for us for social adaptation. All animals living in groups can tame outbursts of rage to one degree or another - otherwise they simply could not exist in a team. But man went further than anyone in this idea. Since rage is a manifestation of our "animal" nature, it is frightening, and its physical manifestations can be destructive, our culture has gradually imposed a taboo not only on the manifestation of aggression, but also on the mention of this emotion, and even on the feeling itself in all its varieties: anger, hatred, envy, malevolence, desire for revenge. So the constructive idea of ​​not throwing fists at the offender and not breaking furniture has turned into a toxic thought: it is believed that even feeling angry is bad.

Such ideas can be found in religious communities, among people who are fond of Eastern philosophy, and simply in work groups. In many families it is forbidden to express anger towards parents in any form, even verbal. Sometimes it is broadcast directly: “You can’t be mad at mom!” Often the “appropriateness” of anger is ranked depending on the hierarchy in the family: for example, children should not be angry at all, dad can be a little angry, and mom can do it because she is “very tired” (or vice versa: mom can only sometimes, and dad is free to shows anger).

"It is immoral"

Why are these ideas toxic? It is impossible to stop experiencing anger at the physiological and biochemical level. And you don't need to. Emotions cannot be "bad" and "good"; our emotional system is, in a sense, just a complex organ of perception, like hearing, sight, or touch. Wanting to stop experiencing a certain feeling is like wanting to lose your hearing or sight by force of will.

A person who pretends not to be angry must create a false identity that is very different from himself. But since anger still “leaks” when someone violates boundaries or otherwise threatens a person’s safety, anger can take distorted forms: turn into arrogant “pity”, contempt, and the like. A person who cannot admit that something caused him an attack of anger tries to rationalize aggression and bring some principles under it: moral, scientific, ethical. That is, when it is impossible to simply admit that “this infuriates me”, one has to say that this or that (generally neutral) act or phenomenon is totally unacceptable: “This undermines the foundations of society”, “This is immoral”, “This is unnatural”.

When a person is forced to deny anger even
at the level of internal sensations, this leads either to the fact that he turns anger on himself, or to the fact that he passively shows aggression

Enormous energy is required to maintain this complex system of props. In addition, denying and suppressing anger disorients us: anger is a signal that someone or something is violating our boundaries, threatening our emotional or physical security, our place in a group, identity, and so on. Having lost such an important “red flag”, we find ourselves much more defenseless.

The denial of anger greatly spoils relationships with people: anger helps to identify that the way another behaves is unpleasant or unacceptable for us, and, perhaps, to regulate this situation. But when a person is forced to deny anger even at the level of internal sensations, this leads either to the fact that he turns anger on himself, or to the fact that he passively shows aggression. This, in turn, increases the anger and forces more and more to deny and repress the emotion.

Fear of strong feelings arises when people do not share an emotion and its immediate expression. Anger is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings - that's why it has a particularly strong taboo. So, a psychologist in response to the suggestion “to try to feel your anger and displeasure in contact with people” may hear from the client: “So what do I do now, beat everyone in the face?” This is just an example of how a person does not distinguish between feeling and reaction.

This inseparability of emotions and immediate reactions to them in psychotherapy is called "reacting." In this case, a person does not have the strength or mental structures to keep the feeling inside himself, to transform it somewhat, and only then choose the reaction that will be appropriate. Instead, he immediately vents his anger - and not always in a direct way. For many, the taboo against aggression against other people is so strong that anger at them turns into self-hatred and is expressed, for example, in self-harm or risky behavior.

Another example of immediate indirect expression of anger is passive aggression. This phenomenon got its name in the forties of the last century - its roots are precisely in the attitude that anger is absolutely unacceptable. Passive aggression allows us not to express it directly, but to make the other person feel bad, eventually get angry with us and, perhaps, save us from his presence or from things that we don’t want to do. These are indirect manifestations of anger: spreading rumors behind one’s back, rolling one’s eyes, various “double messages” when a person voices conflicting requests or phrases, or says one thing with words, and the opposite with facial expressions; as well as various sabotage - forgetting, delay, regular delays.

Permission to feel

Why is it good to be in touch with your anger? As we said above, just because you are not aware of anger does not mean that you are not angry. Rather, the opposite is true: because you are not aware of your feelings, you lose the ability to control how they manifest. And people who do not feel their anger have a worse understanding of themselves, their needs, desires and limitations. To understand what we like, we need to be able to distinguish between what we don’t like at all. Any online debate is a great platform to see how people are struggling with poorly understood aggression. From a simple reaction - to insult another person, to go personal, to express yourself strongly - to more subtle ones - to devalue something important to others, to make a cynical remark, to troll.

Many in this case, the question arises: is it possible to express anger ethically? Yes it is possible. The first step towards sustainable and civilized expression of anger is to allow yourself to be angry. This does not mean that you should allow yourself uncontrollable outbursts of aggression - it is about allowing yourself to feel anger at the level of emotions, inside. By the way, even this step sometimes takes years of psychotherapy. In our society, the ideas of sacredness are very strong: for example, one cannot be angry with parents, especially with a mother, because she is holy, with people of the older generation, with the dead and dead, in some communities it is considered unacceptable to be angry with authoritative people: teachers, teachers, bosses. Allowing yourself to experience any feelings is a huge step.

Anger is often personal. Even when a person claims to hate a certain group of people, most often they were angered by someone very specific, with similar or similar characteristics.

It is important to understand what exactly caused the anger. The subject of aggression is often displaced, and you will have to ask yourself the question many times: “What makes me angry about this? What and who am I really angry at?” to find the final answer. Anger is often personal. Even when a person claims to hate a certain group of people, more often than not, they were angered by someone very specific, with similar or similar characteristics.

For example, a childfree woman who claims to hate “children” may thus express anger at her mother (who undoubtedly has a child) and at the rest of the family. And a woman on a motherhood forum expressing anger at “uncommitted and irresponsible childfree” may actually be angry at her husband, who does not share the burden of raising a child with her and really behaves as if he was free from obligations.

These first two steps, which are not related to the expression of anger itself, are the most difficult. When the real object of anger is found, the question arises of what to do - but rather not with anger, but with violation of boundaries, threat or discomfort, which, as we remember, generate anger as a defensive reaction. When anger is situational and the environment is generally safe, a good option is to tell the addressee about your anger or that some behavior is unacceptable using “ I-messages" (that is, talk about your own feelings and wishes, trying not to slip into direct accusations and insults). In a situation where voicing anger is not safe, it is best to try to leave the problem area, whether it be a party with unpleasant people or a company where employees are mistreated. Finally, the most difficult option is anger, which now and then arises in close relationships in response to certain actions of a partner, relative, or child. Couples or individual therapy can help here: the fact that the reaction occurs regularly may indicate some more complex problem situation.

In any case, remember: the idea that anger is a “bad” emotion that needs to be got rid of as soon as possible is hopelessly outdated. Listen to yourself and your feelings - perhaps it is anger that will become the impetus that will help you understand what situations in your life you should pay attention to and where changes are needed.

Anger is an emotion that is currently controversial. Some people think it's good to be angry, while others think it's bad. However, we encounter such an emotion almost daily, using it to build boundaries and relationships with others.

What is anger?

Anger is the emotion with which we show our disagreement with what is happening, with what does not correspond to our plans, hopes or expectations. This internal protest, if approached correctly, can be useful for us, as it gives us the opportunity to actively influence the situation. Although it is generally accepted that anger and anger are a pathological reaction of the body. This is not entirely correct, since it all depends on the provoking factor that contributed to this condition.

Is it good to be angry?

In moderation, feeling angry is normal. Thus, a person tries to protect himself from any irritants. If you constantly suppress this emotion in yourself, it will not go anywhere and will also provoke actions, but in such a situation they can be destructive both for us and for the people around us. Therefore, it is so important to be able to interact with anger, to realize and accept such a state.

But in the event that this emotion is constantly present in a person’s life, such a phenomenon can no longer be called normal. There is an opinion that excessive anger in people contributes to the accumulation of negativity and can even provoke the development of certain diseases, both psychological and physiological. So, such negative emotions lead to a rapid heartbeat, increased pressure, a feeling of spasms in the gastrointestinal tract, which is accompanied by the release of bile and hydrochloric acid. Therefore, irritable people are often diagnosed with gastritis and stomach ulcers. In addition, anger and hatred interfere with adaptation among people. Since a person is excessively quick-tempered, creates conflicts out of the blue, many people do not like this and make them avoid communication.

In order to learn how to control this emotion, it is necessary to understand why such a state arises.

Why are we angry?

The reasons for this are varied and depend on the individual. The main provoking factors that contribute to the emergence of anger are:

Anything can act as a trigger. Very often, women experience such an emotion during the period of bearing a child. Extra pounds, a changed figure, toxicosis, sleep problems, anxiety about the upcoming birth, fear of change make you angry.

Often even the smallest troubles can provoke a feeling of anger. Sometimes, at the same time, a person loses the ability to curb his emotions, cannot cope with himself, in which case even a psychotherapist's consultation may be necessary, especially if such attacks affect relationships with loved ones or even end in bodily harm to anyone.

How to deal with anger?

If the feeling of anger is so strong that it becomes impossible to control it, it is necessary to analyze the situation and, first of all, try to understand what exactly causes such negative emotions, because they are not born in an instant, but are a direct response to people's behavior or situation. We build certain expectations about certain events and are in anticipation of what we should experience. And when our hopes are disappointed, it makes us upset and disappointed. Faced with our own dissatisfaction, we begin to feel a sense of anger.

This is such an emotion that can turn into open aggression and undermine our mental state with subsequent adverse consequences, including for those around us. To prevent this from happening, you must adhere to some rules:

• learn to recognize and acknowledge your emotions, do not hide them inside yourself;
• understand that it is impossible to completely eradicate anger, it is a normal reaction to various stimuli, and its presence in our lives is natural;
• realize your true needs - this is the key to well-being and harmony, as a result, this feeling will become an assistant, and will not annoy.

Anger is a guide that indicates the presence of an internal conflict, factors that do not satisfy us, and also pushes us to choose other options for the development of events.

There are several effective methods that will help you cope with yourself in various situations.

Unleash your emotions

It’s not worth the feeling inside, we don’t forbid ourselves to rejoice and laugh. Take out your emotions on the pillow, hit it until you feel relieved. You can splash words of anger on paper by writing an angry letter, putting all the hatred into each line. After that, the letter must be burned.

There are other options that will help release negative emotions: find a deserted place or lock yourself in a car and scream until the feeling of anger passes.

Anger dosing method

So that excessive irritability does not harm personal relationships or work, does not spoil relationships with people, you can try to dose anger by expressing part of it right at the scene, and discarding part in one of the following ways:

• sports;
• dancing;
• cleaning the house;
• long walks in the fresh air;
• drawing, embroidery, knitting, etc.

These methods will help transform negative emotions into something useful and not ruin relationships with others.

The Milton Erickson Method

There is another interesting way to get rid of anger, the authorship of which belongs to a psychotherapist. A kind of “punishment” will help to force the subconscious mind to give up anger, for example, in the form of squats or jumps 30-50 times at the first manifestations of anger. The result will not keep you waiting, it is important that the punishment is an occupation that a person cannot stand.

Step-by-step technique for taming emotions

Some people are helped by a special step-by-step technique. First of all, you need to force the will to order yourself to stop. You need to understand that emotions do not solve the problem, but only further complicate the situation. With effort, you need to switch to something good, even if it is not easy. In the future, this will become a habit and will help to calm down.

Expectant tactics and substitution technique

If you feel that you are starting to get angry, try to make the whole situation look funny, draw funny moments in your imagination and wait a bit. After a while, negative emotions will subside, and the situation will not seem so critical.

Buddha Smile Exercise

This method will allow you to regain your peace of mind. Try to throw all thoughts out of your head, relax your facial muscles and imagine that they are filled with heaviness and warmth, and your lips move apart and form a slight smile. At the same time, try not to exert muscle effort. After a while, you will feel that a barely noticeable smile has appeared on your lips, and the body begins to fill with a feeling of joy and peace. You need to perform this exercise daily until this condition becomes the norm for you.

to myself?

If the cause of negative emotions is dissatisfaction with your appearance, then you need to take care of yourself, try to change something, but at the same time do not forget that inner work comes first. And this means that you need to learn to accept yourself and understand that each of us is individual, and self-confidence adds attractiveness in the eyes of others.

This also applies to pregnant women who experience this feeling during this period? The expectant mother needs to come to terms with her situation, to understand that it is natural and beautiful. Of course, changes in the hormonal background often cause emotional breakdowns. To avoid them, you need to rest a lot, do what brings pleasure and improves mood, not give up a full life, because pregnancy is not a pathology.

Envy, resentment and anger

Often a person begins to get angry, experiencing envy of others. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. What we have achieved in life is our merit. Instead of suffering about the fact that someone has achieved more than us, it is better to do self-development.

It is much more difficult to get rid of anger, which is accompanied by a sense of resentment, that is, the feeling that everyone owes us something. It is important to learn to understand that each of us has the right to do exactly as he wants.

Visit doctor

It happens that a person is not able to overcome anger on his own. What to do in this case? You need to seek help from a specialist. Do not be ashamed of your emotions. This is not a sign of ill health, just life circumstances provoke us to such manifestations. Share your thoughts with your doctor about what is bothering you. You may have to undergo treatment with harmless drugs that stabilize your emotional state.

Feeling angry is often harmful. But this does not mean that in all situations we should be complaisant and sweet. In some cases, a healthy feeling of anger will only benefit, it is important to observe the measure and take into account the circumstances.

Anger towards another person and its causes. The article will discuss this negative phenomenon, recommendations will be given on how to eliminate the voiced life situation.

The content of the article:

Anger and hatred towards people is a problem that even a balanced and sane person is not immune from. Emotions often get out of control when someone from the environment begins to deliberately or accidentally provoke a conflict with their behavior model. You should understand for yourself why such a phenomenon occurs and how to deal with its negative consequences.

The mechanism of development of anger at a person

To clarify the situation, which brings mental discomfort, it is necessary to deal with the pattern of the appearance of anger at people.

Experts on this issue are unanimous in their conclusions and characterize the mechanism of the problem as follows:

• Factor provocateur. There is no smoke without fire, so negative emotions towards another person do not grow like mushrooms after rain. Many things can give fertile ground for misunderstanding, because all people are individual and they are annoyed by completely different situations.
• The unwillingness of one of the parties to resolve the conflict. Both are always to blame for a quarrel, but when resolving a problem, someone can simply ignore a brewing misunderstanding. This is done from different motives, because it all depends on the reasons for triggering the mechanism of anger at a person.
• Turning a Misunderstanding into a Problem. Some subjects are really capable of making an elephant out of a fly with rather modest prerequisites for the brewing of a conflict. If the cause of the problem voiced is quite serious, then in the future there may be a serious brawl between people.
• Termination of relationship with the abuser. This is usually done defiantly, but options for secret enmity are not excluded. Anger at a person must find its logical ending, because it is simply impossible to keep negative emotions in oneself for a long time.

Important! With a voiced problem, the main thing is to remain calm so that emotions do not get out of control. Each self-sufficient person must clearly understand the essence of what is happening, so as not to do stupid things in the future.

Causes of anger towards a person

We cannot be liked by literally everyone, but there are individuals who are able to unbalance anyone. There are many prerequisites for the appearance of anger towards other people, but the main reasons for the formation of such a negative phenomenon should be highlighted:

1. Refusal of a request. In some life situations, a person needs moral, physical or material support. At the same time, one has to turn to a close environment, which can unpleasantly surprise with its response to a call for help. As a result, anger at such a refusal begins to arise, which sometimes turns into hatred and anger.
2. Gossip and slander. Few of us will be pleased by the fact that we are discussed behind our backs with a rather negative assessment of personal qualities. This is especially painful when it comes to close slanderers. It is very difficult to ignore what is happening, so anger towards the offender arises.
3. Renunciation of a promise. Ignoring a request from someone is painful in itself, but it is even more unpleasant to hear “no” after a previously announced contract. A person who does not keep his word can cause outright indignation and anger on the part of the injured party.
4. ignore. Sometimes it is better to engage in a verbal battle than to experience outright neglect from another person. Such a response can cause embitterment even in the most balanced person.
5. Non-repayment of debt. There is a rather wise saying that friends are friends, and tobacco is apart. Anger towards another person may arise for a voiced reason, because quite often a trusting relationship ends due to a refusal to return borrowed funds.
6. . If it concerns two close people, then anger towards another person can arise even for an insignificant reason. Life sometimes complicates relationships so much that it causes an avalanche of negative emotions in relation to a partner.
7. Hormonal imbalance. Anecdotes that colorfully describe the behavior of a woman with menopause are not at all devoid of common sense. In some cases, changes in the functioning of the body can provoke unconscious bouts of anger towards other people.
8. Betrayal. In this case, we are talking about both physical treason and treachery in moral terms. Anger towards another person in this case arises for a completely understandable reason, which can lead to a complete break in relations.
9. Deviant behavior of the offender. Few people like the fact that someone is trying to harm him physically or mentally. It can consist both in insulting expressions and in beatings. Anger at the offender at the same time arises immediately and then develops into real anger.

Varieties of manifestation of anger towards another person

Even negative emotions have their subspecies, because human nature is diverse in the manifestation of their feelings. Psychologists recommend considering the following options for the manifestation of anger towards a person:

• Silent hate. People can smile sweetly at each other, but in their hearts they are ready to destroy the offender in all unimaginable ways. To some extent, this is reminiscent of elementary hypocrisy, in which visually everything looks great, but in fact the conflict is simply hidden.
• Anger is a game. For some people, the negative emotions that feed them are important. In the complete absence of prerequisites for a negative attitude towards another person, they themselves will come up with a reason for its occurrence. Such persons need a quarrel like air, because the quarrelsome character makes itself felt in such subjects.
• . In this case, it is worth noting the paradoxical ability of some people to behave according to the principle of Eeyore, who saw only the bad in everything that happened. These subjects are initially not ready to accept the position of another person, which subsequently leads to anger towards all of humanity.
• Anger-despair. In some cases, such a manifestation of emotions is demonstrative. We do not always truthfully show our feelings, which we actually experience. Such provocations are done in order to attract the attention of a person dear to us.
• Anger-competition. With the voiced wording, the movie “Death Becomes Her” is recalled, where Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn brilliantly described this phenomenon. In the competition for a man, the ladies went so far that this became the reason for the fantastic development of a love triangle.

Golden rules for dealing with anger towards a person

You can live with the voiced problem, but over time it can destroy the life of any subject. Very often we cannot answer the question of how to get rid of anger at a person. In this case, specialists who know how to heal spiritual wounds come to the rescue with their advice.

Suppression of anger towards loved ones

The closest environment can sometimes lead anyone to negative emotions in a matter of seconds. At the same time, it is very important to follow the recommendations of psychologists on how to overcome anger at a loved one:

1. Autotraining. With this method, the setting for positive emotions is triggered, which usually has a good result. It is necessary to mentally say goodbye to your anger, which brings only harm to a person. We must learn to forgive loved ones, because we are often unconditionally accepted with all the weaknesses that we have.
2. . The hackneyed phrase “a talk” is not always a reason only for a smile. It is necessary to be able to communicate with relatives and loved ones so that in the future there will not be a feeling of anger towards them. It is better to lay out everything that is sore once in a confidential conversation than to correct the mistakes made for a long time.
3. Pause in a relationship. To avoid a final break in relations, you can try this method of conflict resolution. At the same time, it is necessary to completely calm down and, on a sober head, understand the reasons for the anger that has arisen towards a loved one. It is unrealistic to do this on emotions, because during the period of boiling violent passions people often cannot come to a mutual agreement.
4. confrontation method. In some cases, this tool is simply not enough. Sometimes you need to decisively deliver an ultimatum so that relationships with a loved one do not come to a standstill. Active actions in this direction will help get rid of anger towards an object that is dear.
5. Help of a psychotherapist. It is definitely easier for a specialist to deal with the problem that has arisen than for the victim himself. Anger towards loved ones is a very dangerous emotion, because in the heat of the moment you can lose the love and trust of a loved one. Therefore, the help of a competent healer of human souls in some cases will not hurt.

All of these recommendations are based on the fact that, first of all, you need to put your thoughts and feelings in order. To take revenge on the offender, who is in the immediate environment, is an unconstructive occupation. You should carefully consider the model of your further behavior so that a flash of anger does not completely destroy the relationship that has been created.

Getting rid of anger towards colleagues and acquaintances

Terribly tired ... is when different corners of your feelings

become incomprehensible to you. And you start to regret

yourself and get angry at others.

And already because of this - to be angry with yourself and feel sorry for others ...

Well, something like that.

Haruki Murakami

Reason for anger it… So why do we need anger Why did mother nature create such a universal emotion that can protect and kill? Why do people suppress anger, and what happens when anger remains suppressed, and then splashed out? And how do you deal with anger?

In the animal kingdom anger plays an integral part of life. Allows you to protect the territory, take care of yourself and offspring. In human life anger function disrupted and has already reached epidemic proportions. Psychologists, employees of prison institutions, oncologists, bystanders, relatives and friends deal with the consequences of suppressed anger ...

Anger can arise from dissatisfaction. For example, I don't like it when people throw papers on the street, and when I see this, this behavior starts to piss me off. You can express this anger in different ways, but it will arise again and again when the situation with the piece of paper is repeated. So maybe the problem is with me, with my leads for morality, decency? Maybe a situation in the distant past, where adults gave me clicks on the nose, because I threw pieces of paper from sweets reminds me of myself? In this case, there is no aggressor, but there is an internal attitude, attitudes towards the situation that trigger the mechanism of anger.

Some people get angry with the intent of making the other person angry. Very often this happens due to a lack of internal energy. What does it mean? It means that, having angered another person, the one who is angry splashes out a huge amount of energy. This is what people with weak energy use, as if fueled by a charge from them. By the way, many people do this not at all intentionally, but unconsciously. Familiar?

A person who does not feel love, sympathy for himself, for other people, is in itself very aggressive. Images of children who grew up without parental care, love, attention pop up in my memory ...

The emergence of repressed anger.

If an example, then it looks like this. Here I am a little child feeling angry is completely normal for me. My parents and kindergarten teachers do not like that I show feelings of dissatisfaction, demand different things, bite, have my own character, and against this background, I become absolutely uncontrollable (in their opinion). In order to control me, they suppress my anger under the pretext of punishment (physical or emotional). In time, I already know that if I get angry then I will be punished. Naturally I choose to keep anger in yourself because in many ways I am simply dependent on my parents. As a result, instead of manifestations of anger, I choose suppression of anger which is accompanied by neurotic behavior; biting my nails, biting my lips, pinching myself, hitting me...

Then a school, where similar appeals to me by "adult" people are repeated, an institute or a technical school, an army. Further, I go into adulthood as an emotional cripple, unable to defend my opinion, make decisions, defend myself, with a bunch of psychosomatic diseases. But very predictable and obedient. What else does the state system need from a person?

If this looks funny, then ask yourself; if you were the boss, would you like the fact that the employee is angry with you, expresses his opinion, acts in his own way? And how to be a boss over such an employee? It's easier to fire such a scoundrel!

Remember the story of Stalin's rule, where peculiar people who expressed their opinion were simply sent to camps or killed? Do you know that people with repressed anger, willingly go to war and kill, so how is there a legalized way to express aggression? Government officials know about it, and apply it in practice with great success.

The religious society came to the aid of the state system by declaring anger – sin. Sin, as you know, “someone out there” is punishable. Under penalty of malice, the person suppresses it. To control a person, it is enough to make him afraid. Fear!!! Fear makes people obedient. fear and repressed feelings, make a soulless idol out of a person with a time bomb inside.

I worked as a psychologist in a maximum security prison for quite some time. At first, I was surprised that outwardly calm prisoners were serving sentences for murder, violence, perversion of children. Only later I realized that the prisoners are only seemingly calm, despite the fact that they contain their feelings for a certain time, until repressed anger does not break out in the form of rage with fatal consequences.

Anger and resentment

As I already wrote, anger is a completely natural feeling, like love, sympathy ... In human relationships, different feelings always arise. Anger that is no exception. Just now anger sometimes it is simply impossible to present. Then, the optimal behavior in this case is suppression of anger, or resentment.

Resentment is anger directed at oneself

In other words, a person has already learned how to deal with his anger, and chooses be angry with yourself, to suppress aggression, rather than to present it.

The other side of resentment is that people often choose to feel resentment in order to blame the other for manipulative purposes. "If I'm offended, then it's your fault, and if you're to blame, then I'm right." In this way, many people try to seize an imaginary superiority over another person.

You know cause of suicidal behavior? The answer is paradoxical, but simple. In some situation, a person is just angry, but for some reason unable to express this anger. Situations are repeated and feelings of anger remain and accumulate. Then, this feeling angry he points to himself. One of the forms of such direction anger and eat suicidal behavior.

Fear of rejection is another reason why people suppress anger. In this case, be angry with yourself safer in the sense that if a person get angry at another, that is, the probability that it will be rejected. And the fear of rejection for a person is sometimes stronger than any other fear. By the way, exactly rejection manipulation often used by parents to pacify the child.

- What are you feeling now?

- I'm offended.

Well, resentment is anger at oneself. Can you talk about your anger?

- Not!

- What prevents you from talking about anger?

“I have a fear that if I show anger, you will reject me.

There is also this; " I'm mad at you, and as bad as it is, I start to get mad at myself for being angry". There is already a feeling of guilt. The vicious circle closes, which can be opened only through hard and painstaking work in psychotherapy sessions.

Pain and anger.

Every adult has experienced feelings of pain in a physical, emotional sense and coped with this feeling in different ways. Pain is a state that carries a huge charge of emotions. If these emotions remain unexpressed, suppressed, then a charge is formed accumulated anger. And as a result: depression, chronic insomnia, joint pain, headache, and a host of other diseases. (About 90% of psychosomatic diseases are associated with the suppression of feelings. Suppressed feelings of anger top of the list).

Thought about why heartache does not go away at all over the years, and it happens even the other way around - it gets worse? The fact is that unlived pain, unexpressed anger, remains inside a person, and reminds of itself in the form of symptoms and unpleasant memories.

Anger in its direction is always objective. In psychotherapy sessions, I sometimes hear from a client that he angry at the whole planet, for all women or men, but behind this “ALL”, one person is hiding - the “massive entertainer”. What does it mean? But the fact that anger at everyone, it hidden anger per person, only this anger is repressed, hidden. If this anger at all men, then in fact it is anger at one man, but from one man, is already projected onto everyone.

Anger in a dream, is a good indicator that you have repressed anger. An emotion suppressed in a real situation, tends to end in a dream through action. Anger in a dream can be expressed in different images: a toothed animal, sharp objects, a fight, violence, murder, one's own death ...

Sadness. Yearning. Boredom.

It may seem ridiculous, but sadness, melancholy, boredom, are symptoms repressed anger. Instead of telling an annoying and uninteresting opponent to shut up and go home, they choose to just listen in silence and yawn.

It will be indicative that clients who experience chronic fatigue, sadness, become very energetic and mobile when they succeed in psychotherapy sessions, release repressed anger. By the way, after the acquired vigor, many symptoms pass.

I am sometimes asked - how to suppress anger? The answer is simple! You can “strangle” this feeling in yourself, endure, not express, be silent, pretend that nothing special is happening, but remember that in case suppression of anger, anger will suppress You.

How to deal with anger? There are many options, of course, but I want to focus on two. You can deal with anger by expressing it explicitly. You can beat dishes, make a scandal, start fights, ... Such a reaction is sometimes not entirely appropriate, but in many cases it is even very effective. In doing so, you attack the aggressor in some way. I find this way of expressing anger destructive.

There is another universal way to deal with anger is to talk about your anger. At the same time, you talk about your anger, express it, and do not suppress it. Also, I think this way of expressing anger is constructive, because you talk about yourself, your feelings, your boundaries, your needs and don't attack at all.

Example:
— Listen, I'm really mad at you. I am annoyed by your boorish attitude towards me and my things. I don't like it when you listen to my opinion. I want you to consider me, in any case, with those questions that concern me personally.

The cure for anger

Always for anger hidden need. If you get angry, then ask yourself the question - "what do I want when I'm angry?" If on you angry then ask boldly - “what do you want when you are angry?”. Identification of needs against the background of anger - neutralizes anger itself.

Example 1
« I'm sick of you constantly ignoring me!» Here it is not at all clear about the desires of a person who is angry.
Example 2
« I want you to pay more attention to me". In this case, it is very clear about the feelings and desires of a person.
At first glance, this behavior may seem wild and unusual, but I think that it is more wild suppression of anger, or mindless fist swinging.

P.S. Do not confuse anger with anger and hatred - these are different feelings, despite the fact that anger and hatred take their origins from anger. Suppressed, accumulated anger turns into a destructive force, sometimes difficult to control. The line between normal and abnormal anger is very blurred. The article was written on 09/08/2010.

We all get angry from time to time, and most of us do not see anything good in this feeling. Now I rarely feel anything more than annoyance and I find it hard to believe that about 10 years ago my anger ranged from strong to furious, the boundaries were constantly violated and I was easily pissed off.

Most living people are familiar with anger and irritability for no apparent reason. The feeling of a taut spring, when you need only an insignificant reason to splash out everything on the victim who has turned up.

Psychological profile of anger

• Anger - a reaction of disagreement with the situation in which we find ourselves, an internal protest against the course of events that do not correspond to our plans or expectations.
• Formed v the result of an unmet need.
• male anger surrounding, as a rule, perceive as something justified, what is caused by external causes. Women's anger perceived as a sign of bad character. That is, the male sex is usually expected to be hard and tough, and the female - softness and mercy.
• bodily reactions- clenched jaw (fear of expressing anger in words), red face, chest spasm, rapid breathing, tense muscles of the mouth, legs (desire to run) and arms (desire to hit).
• Related concepts- anger, rage, irritation.
• Contrasting Feelings - , .
• Psychosomatic diseases- possibly vaginitis, hemorrhoids, infections, weakened immune system, problems with the heart, liver and gallbladder, laryngitis.

Why are we angry

Anger is one of the first emotions that emerged as a result of evolution. It is part of the stress response, which is triggered in a part of the brain called the amygdala. Anger is an innate emotion because the amygdala is fully formed by the eighth month of pregnancy.

• When we are angry, we strive to act. This feeling helps to solve problems, come up with ways out of difficult situations, reminds you that you need to respond in time in order to quickly return to a state of rest.
• Anger destroys fear, and that stop our movement.
• Through anger, we recognize the “enemy” from whom the threat comes and inform him of the intention to defend our needs.
• This feeling mobilizes the body to fight, gives energy for protection, speed and courage in reactions, reduces sensitivity to pain, anxiety and empathy.
• Adequately expressed anger leads to improvement and calm. We get angry at the chatterers in the cinema, which helps call them to silence. Moderate anger at the unfair treatment of colleagues will help to defend the boundaries and not do someone else's work.

Anger in a couple

It is impossible to regulate without awareness and expression of anger. Sometimes getting angry at a loved one is even important.As a rule, we are afraid to destroy relationships with anger. Most likely, the parents cursed or shamed us for her. Many of them paid for it with marriage without sincerity and soul contact.

• Anger is us, our habits, situations, it is a whole part of the personality. You can’t always be kind and, but many couples strive for absolute emotional comfort, for ideal harmonious relationships in which there is no place for negative feelings. But the anger doesn't go away, it's just that two people who think they're close rip whole chunks of the life behind the anger out of the relationship, with no way to share it with each other.
• Relationships mean that our needs are constantly violated. To stay close for a long time, you need to be able to both restrain yourself, and notice your anger, and express it, and determine which need has been violated.
• An intelligent way to swear leads to the fact that we are silent about feelings, accumulate anger, resentment and pain, which sooner or later leads to an emotional outburst.
• Talking about your anger is possible only when there is trust and confidence that the relationship is strong and will withstand it. When we tell another about this feeling, we open up very strongly, as if we tell the person how much pain he caused us.
• It is important to accept each other angry. At the same time, do not take the blame, and do not blame the partner, but recognize an equal degree of responsibility for the situation and live this situation together.

Any emotion is not forever. Expressed and expressed anger weakens faster and is completely resolved when it is possible to fulfill the need that our anger signaled.

Destructive anger

Problems begin when anger is too frequent, inadequate and expressed in an inappropriate way. This method can be both aimed at others and inward.

If, in response to the fact that someone went to the cashier out of turn, the dissatisfied person makes a scandal with beating the offender, or vice versa, restrains his anger, and splashes it out on his relatives at home, or endlessly talks about how unfair the world is, this is anger that is inadequate to the real threat.

How do you know when anger is out of control?

• it does not meet the needs
• becomes too strong, frequent and protracted
• does not correspond to the real threat
• hurts
• interferes with thinking and solving problems
• affects the quality of life.

This means it's time to start thinking about why it is dangerous and how to deal with it.

What is the danger of unconscious anger

In terms of strength and reaction of anger, we are all different. But the attitude and way of expression we get under the influence of family, culture, experience. And it is the modes of expression, not the feeling itself, that can create problems.

It is completely normal for young children to feel angry. But manifestations of discontent and whims make the child uncomfortable for adults. To make it easier to manage a child, adults suppress his angerthrough fear (the threat of punishment), through guilt (when you are angry, your mother feels bad), through shame (it is disgusting to look at you when you are angry).Neglect and ridicule can also lead to problems with the awareness of anger. As a result, instead of manifestation, we learn to suppress it. Often this is accompanied by appropriate behavior - the child bites his nails, bites his lips, pinches himself, itches, and so on. Other factors may include low self-esteem, distrust of people, lack of emotion, judgmental tendencies, perfectionism, and self-sacrifice.

Suppressed, unconscious anger is looking for a new form. For example, a person can turn anger on himself. Or to realize anger towards others in a form that cannot be recognized as anger - aggressive care, suffocating love, malicious sacrifice.

In order to understand the danger of such a situation, it is worth remembering that angersends a signal that our rights / needs / lives are under threat, and we must stand up for them.At the same time, anger itself gives energy to change the situation.

If anger is blocked, a person loses the ability to self-regulate. It can be compared to a car without instruments. It will continue to move for some time, but the likelihood of an accident or a sudden stop increases dramatically.

How to deal with destructive anger

If you want to learn how to deal with anger, you have to understand that life is hard and full of stress. We do not have to give in to this feeling, losing the ability to choose how we respond. We can control it.

Questions. If any situations associated with anger are haunting you, ask yourself these questions:

• What happened and why?
• What in this situation made me angry?
• Was my anger out of place, was it justified?
• Could I see the situation differently than it really was?
• Did everything go as I expected?
• Who else can look at this situation?
• How could you cope without expressing anger?
• What are the benefits of what happened?
• Will this situation matter in a day/week/month?

Causes. To be able to deal with anger, you need to understand where it comes from. Only by understanding what became the cause, you can find the best way out.Most often, we get angry at other people because they do something wrong or do not live up to expectations. It can be a misunderstanding, a feeling of abandonment, disgust, fatigue, envy.

Actions. If anger takes too much energy, you need to direct the energy of anger to solve the problem. That's what this feeling is for.You need to learn how to transform anger into action for change.

Scheduled relaxation.When you know for sure that a movie with friends is waiting for you tonight, a massage session, a party in great company, a romantic dinner, or any other pleasure, it is easier for you to control your anger. Therefore, every day you should have a special inviolable time for pleasant emotions and relaxation.

Humor.In everyday situations, a good joke can defuse a tense atmosphere no worse than a lightning rod.

A change of scenery.Sometimes it is the same environment that irritates us, and it only takes a few days away for the anger to stop being so strong.

Silence and loneliness.Anger can be caused by constant and excessive noise. And most of the time we don't even notice it. When you feel on edge all the time, the culprit may be a lack of commonplace silence and solitude.

If you let in the thought that being angry is not a crime, you will receive an effective weapon that will greatly facilitate the solution of any task.

We'll figure it out next week jealousy.

Are you angry often? What color would you paint anger?