Low self-esteem due to high self-esteem. Low self-esteem - what to do

A person’s success in all areas of life, be it education, career, friendships or family relationships, depends not only on his abilities and efforts spent on achieving success in something, but also on how a person evaluates himself. Self-esteem determines a lot in our lives, because it is a kind of internal indicator that we focus on when setting goals and evaluating the results of our actions. If this system does not work properly, it becomes impossible to adequately assess one’s strengths and achievements. One of the variants of such violations is low self-esteem. What to do in this case - read below.

Where does self-esteem come from?

The word “self-esteem” itself contains the key to its understanding: it is a person’s assessment of himself. Self-esteem “comes from childhood,” but a person begins to evaluate himself not from birth. A child’s first ideas about himself are formed on the basis of what significant adults say about him- that is, parents or those who raise him. Children hear a variety of things about themselves: who they are like, how loved and dear they are, or vice versa, how annoying and annoying they are. The older a child gets and the more diverse he shows himself in life, the more often they are starting to evaluate him. And then the child will know whether he is doing good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse than other children. From such assessments, what we call “self-esteem” is gradually formed. And if from birth a child hears good things about himself, if he is praised and supported, then he thinks about himself in a positive way: “I am good, I am strong, I can do it.” If, from childhood, a child is criticized, scolded, blamed, shamed, his self-esteem is expressed in the belief “I am bad, I am not good for anything, I can’t handle it.”

Most often, parents criticize their child or express predominantly negative judgments about him not at all because they do not love him. Psychologists say that such parents often themselves suffer from low self-esteem. Moreover, in our culture for a long time It was generally accepted that praising and openly loving a child was harmful; he could grow up spoiled.

Subtleties of self-esteem

Objectively, a person cannot be successful always and everywhere. Each of us has failures and difficulties that we cannot cope with. Does this mean that a person with high self-esteem will rejoice and be proud of his mistakes? Of course not. One of important indicators“correct” self-esteem - her adequacy. If a person fails in a specific situation, with healthy self-esteem he will assess the situation adequately and admit his failure. However, if in a global sense a person evaluates himself positively and highly enough, this failure will not unsettle him. He will decide: “Yes, I didn’t cope today, but it’s not fatal. I’ll try again and I’ll succeed.”

If, in a global sense, a person low self-esteem, and he generally evaluates himself with a “minus” sign, then any difficulty will lead him to think: “There’s no point in trying, I’m a loser and nothing will work out for me.”

How low self-esteem ruins your life

Of course, living with negative ideas about yourself is not very pleasant, but the saddest thing is what a person is “rewarded” with low self-esteem- consequences that extend to all areas of life, and at any age.

Formed from birth, most clearly low self-esteem in a child begins to manifest itself in school age. Even if a child has good cognitive abilities, he may suffer greatly due to low self-esteem. Confidence in his future failures prevents the child from raising his hand when he knows the correct answer, answering freely at the board, or trying more complex tasks. All this is aggravated by the fact that during the school period the child is constantly evaluated by other people - teachers.

Closer to adolescence For a child, his appearance becomes important. Teenagers already suffer too often unstable self-esteem, and if there are any problems with appearance - even more so. Skin defects, bad hairstyle, lack of opportunity to dress fashionably and modernly make a teenager constantly experience self-dissatisfaction and feelings of inferiority.

In the lives of adults, low self-esteem also plays a huge role. A person with low self-esteem simply does not allow himself to strive for the best, because he is sure that he is not worthy of anything good. Low self-esteem in a woman– these are always problems with choosing a partner and building a family. Such a woman instinctively attracts men who want to assert themselves at her expense. Often such women suffer humiliation from their partner, but do not break off the relationship because they are sure that they cannot find anyone better.

IN Everyday life A woman’s low self-esteem can manifest itself both as self-indulgence and as perfectionism. Some women stop taking care of themselves and do not strive for success in work or everyday affairs, while others, on the contrary, are too preoccupied with themselves and their achievements. In this way they try to achieve praise in order to at least somehow feel their worth.

Low self-esteem in men– this is almost always a low bar in life. A man does not strive for achievements or financial solvency; he is content with little. Such a man is not comfortable with a confident woman, so most often a man with low self-esteem becomes a partner with the same woman. Children in this family read incorrect attitudes from birth. An insecure mother and father are practically unable to raise a child who is self-confident and feels valued and important.

Signs of low self-esteem appear not only in family life, but in and in general in relationships with other people. People who carry this quality, as a rule, are very timid in communication, cannot defend their opinion and defend their rights. They are very often use, because for the sake of the approval of others, a person with low self-esteem is ready to do a lot.

Help from a psychologist with low self-esteem

In popular publications you can find a lot of advice on how to how to deal with low self-esteem. At the forefront of all recommendations is always the idea of ​​what is needed love yourself. How simple and beautiful it sounds, but how difficult it is to implement it in practice. Indeed, how can a person who has lived all his life with a low opinion of himself suddenly take it and raise it? The most effective way is .

The fact is that we cannot turn back time. We cannot bring back childhood, in which low self-esteem begins to form. We cannot cut out the hurtful words of our parents. However, as adults, we cease to depend on parental approval, because we can say all the necessary words to ourselves, and we ourselves can add to ourselves the love and acceptance that is lacking in order to perceive ourselves positively. You can learn this using psychotherapy. A professional psychologist builds a relationship with a client in a certain way, so that the person first begins to feel important and valuable next to the specialist, and then becomes capable support yourself.

The most important thing in working on self-acceptance and raising self-esteem is to learn to love yourself beyond any achievements and successes, but simply for the very fact of your existence. This is a huge job - learning to appreciate and love yourself with all your imperfections, believe in your strengths and allow yourself to make mistakes, without falling into self-deprecation after that.

Because the low self-esteem always very shaky and highly dependent on opinion external people, to raise self-esteem, not only individual consultations with a psychologist, but also group therapy can be recommended. Group work allows a person to “charge” with a positive opinion about himself, learn to behave confidently in a group, express his feelings and defend his opinion.

Low self-esteem is not a death sentence for life. Any personal problem can be solved, but just as we trust the treatment of physical illnesses only to doctors, so the “treatment” of psychological problems should be dealt with by specialists. You should not spare either time or money on this, because a person’s quality of life greatly depends on such a simple at first glance thing as self-esteem.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is a phenomenal and mysterious human property that arises and is unconsciously formed in the process of growing up and developing a personality. It characterizes a person’s own perception of himself, his qualities, capabilities, his place among other people, his usefulness and value.

Healthy self-esteem is manifested in. It is self-esteem that acts as the main regulator of a person’s relationships with other people, his behavior, aspirations, his choices and decisions. .

Healthy, adequate Self-esteem is one of the main indicators of a mature personality. But it does not develop on its own, but depends on many various factors, most of which are laid back in early childhood- in the family, school.

What is Low Self-Esteem?

Unfortunately, not always adults - teachers, and even parents - pay due attention to the state of the child’s self-esteem and take it into account in their relationships with him. At the same time, most parents sincerely try to be good parents, but, unfortunately, they often rely on the experience of their own childhood and their intuition. However, many of them simply repeat the mistakes of their own parents.

As a result, a person may develop distrust in his own strengths and capabilities, anxiety, indecision, dependence on external assessments and other people's opinions. Such self-esteem is considered to be low.

Low self-esteem is not an alternative value to its high level, as it may seem at first glance, but a complex stable symptom complex that negatively affects a person’s health and life.

Here are some symptoms, suggesting the presence of low self-esteem:

— Your behavior shows signs of “doomed behavior”;
- You tend to trust the wrong people or, giving in to them, do the wrong thing. right choice;
- You are not satisfied with your relationships with other people;
— You consider yourself overly sensitive;
- You often feel depressed, doomed, or despair;
- You feel anxious and uneasy in new, unfamiliar situations;
- You are afraid that you will not be able to answer asked question, or to act correctly in the situation that has arisen;
- You feel that you lack the confidence and skill to do what most other people do without effort;
- You feel constrained, uncomfortable in the presence of other people;
- You tend to refrain from publicly expressing your opinion, even among close friends and acquaintances;
- You feel unhappy, deprived;
- You often compare yourself to others to evaluate your success or attitude towards you;
— You often feel insecure and unsafe.

Dr. Marilyn Sorensen on Low Self-Esteem

Well-known specialist Dr. Marilyn Sorensen, founder of the Institute of Self-Esteem (USA), author of several books, who has been dealing with this problem for more than 35 years, argues that low self-esteem is nothing more than a thinking disorder in which a person perceives himself as inadequate, incapable, unattractive and incompetent personality is a persistent belief that permeates every aspect of a person's life.

She writes, “Low self-esteem results from an irrational, biased, and distorted self-image that affects a person's interpretations, perceptions, conclusions, and beliefs about himself in comparison with others. Low self-esteem manifests itself in a very critical attitude towards oneself, uncertainty and difficulty in making decisions.”

Such thinking creates emotions and feelings that make a person experience doubts and anxieties, anxiety and fear in new, unfamiliar situations, the results of which he cannot foresee. For example, a person takes a job that he hates or stays in a relationship that is destructive because he doubts his ability to change anything for the better.

Fearing to look stupid, a person may strive to avoid new experiences, new relationships and, thereby, hinder his own growth and development.

As a result of this fear and anxiety, a person with low self-esteem will be plagued by anxiety and panic attacks, which are attacks on his self-esteem, causing him to think that he must have done or said something inappropriate that no one else would say , or didn't.

When people with low self-esteem believe that they are inadequate and unpleasant to others, or unworthy and unattractive, or incompetent, they may refuse new opportunities and settle for less than they deserve, may give up dreams, lose goals, and continue to support harmful and useless relationships, and living with the doom of a condemned prisoner for many years, or a lifetime.

People with low self-esteem believe that others see their shortcomings and failures, and therefore are critical of them. For example, if a woman with low self-esteem believes that her hair is a mess, then she will be convinced that everyone around her sees this and thinks the same. Or, if a person considers himself unattractive, he will be sure that others do not perceive him differently.

When and how does low self-esteem develop?

Low self-esteem is formed in childhood, when a person is still forming an initial idea of ​​himself as a person. This process begins at birth and can last up to 8 or 12 years.

Low self-esteem is formed as a result of a child's early experiences. If a child is surrounded by love and care, support and assistance from parents, receives positive attention, learns useful skills, enjoys age-appropriate freedom of choice, feels important and valued in the family, interacts with parents and other people, then he is likely to acquire a healthy self-esteem.

On the contrary, if a child is treated poorly, harshly disciplined, overly criticized, suppressed, ridiculed, humiliated, deprived of support, left alone long time, then he will almost certainly have low self-esteem.

Other factors that can negatively affect the development of self-esteem include verbal, sexual, emotional and physical abuse, deep emotional distress, or illness of the child or parent that interferes with the child's natural development.

Here are some conditions that prevent the child from developing a healthy self-esteem:

— Parents abandoned the child;
— The child grows up with the awareness of his insignificance and incompetence;
— The child’s feelings are ignored;
— The child is subjected to humiliation, coercion, or violence;
— The child’s basic needs are not met;
- The child is subjected to excessive criticism or ridicule;
- The child experiences a lack of support, encouragement, or help;
- The child, or someone from his immediate environment, is seriously ill;
— The child is often left alone for a long time;
— The child is not taught basic life skills;
— The child has never heard the words: “I love you!”
— The child rarely hears praise for achievements.

Who suffers from low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is a serious disorder that affects millions of people, destroys relationships, and paralyzes the fear of failure to achieve. full life, depriving and devastating life.

Low self-esteem is often seen as a woman's problem, but it is not. Both men and women suffer from low self-esteem. Many men, like women, suffer from low self-esteem, but do not dare admit it.

Low self-esteem affects people regardless of their age, ethnic culture and nationality, profession, religion, wealth, political views, or education. The number of people suffering from low self-esteem is steadily increasing, and most of these people do not receive the necessary treatment.

How to treat low self-esteem?

Unfortunately, doctors are not taught the meaning of low self-esteem and its impact on a person’s health and life.

A person cannot simply “raise” his self-esteem and turn it into healthy. To do this, a person must change his usual and established view of himself, he must transform his thinking and his attitude towards the world around him, which is a very difficult task, where it is impossible to do without external help..

Unfortunately, many people do not even know about the existence of such a disorder, or underestimate its influence and consequences, like most therapists who are misinformed about low self-esteem and do not recognize its presence, and therefore cannot effectively help the patient.

Dr. Sorensen believes that low self-esteem should be included in the diagnostic manuals that doctors use to make diagnoses. Instead, low self-esteem is cited only as a symptom of more than 30 diseases, which Dr. Sorensen considers in most cases secondary. She argues that low self-esteem is a disorder, not a symptom.

Is it possible to determine another person's low self-esteem?

It is impossible to say with certainty that this or that person has low self-esteem, because many people with low self-esteem have learned to skillfully hide their feelings and control them, demonstrating something completely different from what they really feel. Such mimicry helps them camouflage and protect their real emotional condition. “In fact, many very successful people in their careers and in positions of responsibility actually suffer from low self-esteem, but only those close to them realize it,” says Dr. M. Sorensen.

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The most common characteristics of a person with low self-esteem are:

Accusations and complaints

We blame and complain about others because we refuse to accept the fact that we ourselves are responsible for everything that happens. It is much easier to blame someone than to say: “I am the problem” or “I am the one who needs to change.” A person who constantly complains and blames others for his failures feels inadequate and tries to rise in his own eyes by judging others.

Nitpicking

We find fault with others because they do not accept or conform to our value system. We will compensate own feeling inferiority, trying to present themselves as correct and those around them as incorrect. Please note: most often we are unhappy when other people exhibit the qualities that we most dislike in ourselves. When we criticize the actions of others, it is as if we are saying: “I don’t like myself for this, so you can’t get away with it either.” It is psychologically true that what we dislike most in other people are the shortcomings or weaknesses that are inherent in ourselves.

Need for attention and approval

Many people have an obsessive need for attention and approval. They are unable to recognize their merits and appreciate themselves. They need constant confirmation that everything is fine with them and that others accept and approve of them.

Lack of close friends

People with low self-esteem tend to have few close friends. Since they do not like themselves, they usually either prefer to be “lone wolves”, avoiding people, or they demonstratively show aggression, arrogance, criticism and demandingness. Neither one nor the other model of behavior contributes to the establishment of close friendly relations.

Dominant need to win

If we are driven by an obsessive desire to always win or be right, then this entails a desperate desire to show off and show off in front of others. We try to do this through our achievements. Driving force in this case, the desire to receive approval and praise. In other words, the main motive is to be better than others in at least something.

Excessive self-indulgence

People who cannot live in harmony with themselves because they do not love themselves usually try to satisfy their needs through a kind of substitution. Feeling deprived and hurt, they try to dull the pain with mental and physical “drugs.” They overeat, take medications, drink, smoke in order to get at least temporary satisfaction. So they are on a short time numb the pain. Excessive indulgence “hammers” non-acceptance of oneself as an individual. It allows you to delay the inevitable moment of meeting reality and the growing need to change your life.

Depression

We become depressed because we believe that something beyond our control is preventing us from getting what we want. We completely lose confidence in ourselves. Frustration and anxiety, manifested in attempts to live in accordance with one's own standards and the standards of others, lead to low self-esteem.

Greed and selfishness

Greedy and selfish people are characterized by an exorbitant sense of inferiority. They are consumed by personal needs and desires that must be satisfied at any cost to compensate for their lack of self-esteem. They rarely show interest in others, even close people who love them.

Indecision and procrastination

Low self-esteem is often accompanied by an unnatural fear of making mistakes. Fearing not being able to cope with something, such a person usually does nothing at all, or at least puts it off for a long time. He is reluctant to make decisions because he believes that he is unable to make the “right” choice. Therefore, if you do nothing, then there will be no errors.
Another personality type falls into this category - the perfectionist. He is always right. In fact, insecure, he strives to be above criticism. In this case, one can feel better than those who, according to his criteria, are not so perfect.

Pretense

Pretenders consider themselves inferior to those around them. And in order to hide this, they boast of meeting prominent people, demonstrate such obvious signs nervousness, like a loud voice, fake laughter, trying to impress through material wealth. They will never let others guess about theirs. true feelings. In an attempt to hide them, they pretend and wear masks to prevent others from seeing their true face.

Self pity

Feelings of self-pity, or “poor me” syndrome, are the result of our inability to control life. We allow ourselves to be at the mercy of people, circumstances or conditions, to go with the flow, limply washing ourselves to one shore or the other. People upset, hurt, criticize and anger us all because of our addiction and desire for attention, praise and sympathy. We often use illnesses to control loved ones, because we have learned to manipulate our weakness very well. When we are sick, people sympathize with us and feel sorry for us, so they give us what we want.

Suicide

This is the cruelest form of self-criticism. People who attempt suicide do not seek to escape from the world, but from themselves, from the “I” that they reject and despise. Instead of courageously facing the situation at the root of the problem, they revel in resentment, resentment, and want to “end it all.” Their the main problem, undoubtedly, low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is one of the most common reasons for the inability to succeed in life. It is accompanied by a number of negative symptoms that destroy our personality and poison our existence. According to research by psychologists, it is precisely people with low self-esteem who are prone to addictions and addictions (smoking, alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling). One hundred percent of those with this psychological illness suffer from depression.

People with low self-esteem constantly complain about life and blame others for their failures, which is why they have few friends. They often become antisocial, go into voluntary seclusion, and refuse to communicate. A person with low self-esteem is easily angered, since any critical remark is perceived as an insult.

He is afraid to take on new things, because a mistake is tantamount to the end of the world. Because of this, such a person is usually passive, lacking initiative and has a negative attitude towards everything new (and indeed towards everything). And even appearance betrays low self-esteem - constrained movements, sadness in the eyes, drooping corners of the mouth, dejected appearance.

There are a lot of symptoms: perfectionism, increased need for attention, manipulativeness, inability to defend one’s rights, agreement... People with low self-esteem make good subordinates, because they will never want to manage someone, but will listen and follow instructions with great pleasure.

Low self-esteem causes divorce, loneliness of women and men, small wages and unsatisfactory social status, inability to realize your dreams. It would seem - well, low self-esteem, so what? But it turns out how much unhappiness it brings into our lives. Where does it come from?

The reasons for low self-esteem almost always lie in childhood. Small child is not able to evaluate himself adequately, he does this through the assessment of loved ones and through their attitude towards him. What actions of parents and others lead to a child growing up with low self-esteem?

• There is not enough time: parents are constantly busy with themselves or with their own affairs, disappear at work, do not listen to the child’s requests and ignore his spiritual needs (“play with me”), send him to grandma or to camp for the whole summer, despite the child’s protests.
• Emotional coldness: in the family it is not customary to hug, kiss, praise each other, talk about your good feelings, or share emotions.
• Comparison: the child is compared with other children - they say, Vanya, the neighbor, is good, plays the piano and doesn’t skip lessons, but you can’t do anything, and what’s more, you’re a bungler, only losses from you.
• An unattainable standard: a child is given an example of one of the adults, most often a father, mother, grandmother or grandfather. They tell him: “Look, your mother received five degrees, and your grandfather is a famous scientist, you must not let them down!” This tactic leads to a person trying to fit himself into imposed standards all his life. Naturally, he doesn’t succeed (since we are all different and each has our own talents), and he perceives himself as a failure.
• Ridicule for something that cannot be corrected: a child with physical disabilities or illnesses is laughed at at school, on the playground, and sometimes in own family. Such children almost always have low self-esteem.
• Divorce of parents, scandals, alcoholism in the family: when parents divorce, if someone drinks, when parents fight, younger family members always take it personally. “They divorced because of me, they fight because I’m bad, it’s my fault that dad beats mom.”

As you can see, at least one of these reasons is present in the life of almost every person. Many of us become hostage to a number of factors that lead to low self-esteem. This means that to one degree or another, almost all of us suffer from this.

Here it is also necessary to say about high self-esteem, since it is a continuation of low self-esteem. Yes, yes, these are not completely different psychological problems, but two manifestations of one. They have the same prerequisites, grow from the same root, and are accompanied by the same mental states. And they have one reason - the inability to evaluate themselves adequately.

Often people with low self-esteem put on masks and become boastful, aggressive, and arrogant. Because of this, you might think that they think too much of themselves - but no, these are just means of self-defense.

When a person with low self-esteem manages to achieve something in life, it immediately becomes inflated. When fortune turns away, your attitude towards yourself will again be “below the plinth”.

Is it possible to fight low self-esteem on your own? Maybe. The main thing is to recognize the problem and accept it. It is important to analyze the reasons for the occurrence and admit that you were not to blame for what happened in childhood. Let go of the guilt and tell yourself that you were not the cause of your problems. Forgive those who offended you - they have long forgotten about it, and you continue to torment yourself with negative feelings of anger, revenge, resentment, hatred.

Learn to evaluate yourself objectively and stop thinking that your shortcomings are something terrible. Just audit yourself and accept everything as it is. Firstly, there are no people consisting of only shortcomings, everyone has many good qualities. And secondly, not all shortcomings are such. Many of our properties are essentially neutral, and acquire positive or negative features only through assessment from the outside or from the inside.

For example, there are people who constantly need new impressions– routine simply eats away at them. Someone will say - he is lazy, restless, industrious, fickle, irresponsible, does not know what he needs. Another will say - he is a creative person, a researcher, a traveler, an innovator. Who will you listen to? The trouble is that we more often hear condemnation from others than praise.

Therefore, one more piece of advice - do not listen to those who scold you. No matter what you do, there will always be such people. Evaluate your personality positively, forgive yourself for your mistakes (we are all human, we all make mistakes), and do not reproach yourself for every mistake.

Love and respect yourself, try to do everything to make you feel good. Please yourself, not someone else, learn to hear your real desires. Pamper yourself, entertain yourself, force yourself to rest when you are tired, take care of your body and engage in self-development.

And the very first step to mental recovery is to go to the mirror every morning, look at your unwashed, swollen face after sleep and say: “I love you.” Say this instead of the usual description: “God, what a monster this is!”

And then your inner child will be convinced: if I (the most main man in my life) I love myself even in this form, even sick, even a loser, even during the worst failures - it means that I really deserve all the best in this world.

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A person with low self-esteem locks himself in a “prison” of his own limitations. They deprive themselves of the opportunity to fully realize themselves, achieve success, feel comfortable in society and alone with themselves. Therefore, low self-esteem needs to be dealt with. Only those people who were able to accept and love themselves for who they are can fully use all the opportunities that the Universe gives them, as well as enjoy life and feel happy. The first step in overcoming complexes and increasing self-esteem is understanding the reasons that underlie its decline. Let's look at 10 popular reasons for low self-esteem to understand how to deal with the problem.

1. Experience of defeat.

There are different situations in life - today we win, enjoy triumph, and yesterday we may have shed tears because of failures. This, of course, is an ordinary picture of reality, it would seem that what’s wrong with this - everyone has victories and defeats. But a lot depends on how we perceive them. If a person perceives defeat as an impetus for growth and work on himself, he rises after a fall, accepts the challenge and fights further for his victory. But, if a person perceives his defeat as a blow of fate, it remains in his subconscious and gradually, like rust, eats away his iron confidence in himself and his own success. It all depends on our attitude and mindset.

2. Indecisiveness.

Indecision can manifest itself as a consequence of low self-esteem, or be its cause. If for some reason a person does not make a decision for a long time, life itself often makes the choice for him, and then the consequences may be uncontrollable. Therefore, not daring to make a personal choice, a person gives his life to float with the flow of circumstances, which, far from always, bring him to the desired harbor. Such situations lead to a decrease in self-esteem, the emergence of self-doubt and loss of control over own life. A person begins to feel small and helpless next to the turbulent flow of life.

3. Feelings of guilt.

This feeling can settle in your head and, like a woodpecker, gradually peck out the remnants of self-confidence. Feelings of guilt can become a companion for life, turning it into a gray existence filled with negativity, depression and an inadequate perception of reality. You can't let the guilt of past mistakes eat away at your future. By giving yourself forgiveness once and for all, you can get rid of many problems, and not only low self-esteem.

4. Habit of procrastination.

Procrastination is a common problem modern people, which is often very difficult to cope with on your own. By leaving important things and decisions for later, we waste our time. By wasting time, we miss opportunities. If we don't move forward, we slide back and this is the law of life. All this cannot but have a negative impact on self-esteem.

5. Rejection in childhood.

The child needs to know that his parents accept and love him for who he is. An adult needs the same. But, if a person did not receive acceptance in childhood and for some reason was rejected by his parents or other adults who were authoritative for him, in the future he will certainly face psychological problems until he learns to accept himself for who he is. This is one of the hidden reasons for low self-esteem, which a person cannot always identify on his own.

6. Communication with manipulators.

A person who is accustomed to manipulating others does not always do it consciously, out of selfish motives. Anyone can be a manipulator - husband, wife, boss, friend, neighbor and anyone. When faced with such a person, we will definitely feel internal discomfort, and prolonged communication and close relationships can cause a decrease in self-esteem. The imposition of fear, guilt, and inadequacy is the main weapon of manipulators, with the help of which they want to control and manage other people to achieve their own small or large goals. Therefore, it is important to protect yourself from such psychological pressure. If you cannot resist manipulators and feel like your life is getting worse and worse, it is best to cut off relations with them, at least for a short period of time.

7. Perfectionism.

Perfectionism is an unhealthy desire for perfection. Why unhealthy? Because the slightest flaw takes a person out of a state of harmony and balance, and sometimes even makes him suffer. Problem modern society- this is an excess of unreliable information. If you look around and understand the essence of things, there are too many lies in this world, and therefore you need to have the courage to accept it, and not try to live up to the images painted by the media. We see, hear, read a lot of interesting things, but you can’t believe everything if you don’t want to suffer from low self-esteem. It is not surprising that a teenage girl, going through a natural restructuring of her body, will face the problem of age-related rashes. But, having seen enough photographs in magazines processed by a professional editor, where the skin of her peers is shining with purity, she will begin to think that something is wrong with her. This is just one example, and people of all ages are susceptible to such brainwashing, and often we do not even realize what and when exactly influenced us, forcing us to run after a ghostly ideal. Life is dynamic - we do some things better, some things don’t depend on us, and we don’t consider others important at all and pass them by or bypass them. It is impossible to achieve perfection in everything, and therefore we should not get carried away in the race for illusory ideals, which only destroys our self-esteem.

8. Loneliness.

Loneliness doesn't have to be obvious. We can have many friends, acquaintances, close people, colleagues, but still remain alone. Not all loneliness can have a negative impact on self-esteem. But, if a person is deprived of communication with his like-minded people, with people who share his life position, views and values, he will gradually lose faith in himself and his principles.

9. Excessive demands on oneself.

If a person tries his best to meet the requirements that he sets for himself, most often this ends in low self-esteem and disappointment. Adequately assess your capabilities and resources, and based on this, set realistic goals, without demanding anything impossible from yourself.

10. Dependence on the opinions of others.

No matter how good and beautiful man No matter who you are, there will definitely be those who don’t like you and don’t like you. Dependence on the opinions of other people gradually destroys self-esteem and self-confidence. You need to learn to look for approval and recognition within yourself, and not outside. Don't expect to be approved and admired - do it for yourself and your self-esteem will never suffer.

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Low self-esteem makes us more vulnerable to the smallest psychological stings, so that even small failures and disappointments can break through walls, break through psychological fortifications and penetrate deep into our soul. If our self-esteem is low, then little things like criticizing our boss or canceling a meeting with a friend worsen our mood much more than they should. We begin to blame ourselves for what happened, taking events too personally and being too slow to come to our senses afterwards. Indeed, low self-esteem turns the usual psychological bombardment to which each of us is periodically exposed into a real siege. Are there ways to somehow increase self-esteem?

But high self-esteem also entails its own difficulties. Narcissists have colossal self-esteem and exceptionally high self-esteem. At the same time, they are easily offended and lose their temper when they are criticized, even if the criticism is minor (there are no small insults for such people). Since they react so sharply to even small remarks, it is no wonder that they are characterized by vindictiveness: at all costs they want to teach a lesson to those who have hurt their inflated ego. High self-esteem makes us blame others for our own mistakes, ignore negative feedback from others, and makes it difficult to take responsibility for what we have done. If so, then we run the risk of making the same mistakes again and again, which will inevitably lead to problems at work and in our personal lives.

However, when compared with other people, we all, regardless of whether we have high or low self-esteem, consider ourselves above average! At the same time, according to statistics, two thirds of us are classified as average in each individual area (only one person out of six demonstrates performance above average and one person out of six is ​​below average). And although we never want to be average, psychologists have collected a lot of evidence that it is average level self-esteem (not too high and not too low) is the most optimal.

"I don't want dessert!"

People with low self-esteem are often more willing to listen to negative feedback than compliments because it is more consistent with how they feel about themselves. Low self-esteem makes us remarkably resistant to positive experiences and information. But it is precisely this kind of feedback that can restore our self-esteem and self-confidence. But although we need this information more than anything else, low self-esteem does not allow us to accept it, but, on the contrary, forces us to close our ears and even flee. Why is this happening? With chronically low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness become part of our personality. We get used to it and feel quite comfortable with it .

Psychologists have long known that information that fits within our existing worldview is perceived as convincing, while information that significantly diverges from our beliefs is usually rejected. If we consider ourselves unattractive, it is much easier for us to accept the compliment “You look good today” than “Your beauty is breathtaking.” When people with low self-esteem listen to positive statements in training (or pronounce affirmations) that strongly diverge from their existing beliefs, the information contained in them is perceived as false and is completely rejected. Thus, our belief in the truth of the opposite only grows stronger.

Case 1: Bo and his friends

Friends forgot to invite him to parties, criticized him mercilessly and at the same time had the audacity to borrow large sums no money back. Bo was desperate to find a woman who would become his wife, but here, too, his friends hindered him more than they helped him. He tried to talk to girls at parties, but his friends ruined everything with their jokes about his worthlessness.

When Bo came to the session, he said that he was heavily dependent on all kinds of personal growth training. It got to the point that he even purchased a special device that corrected his “brain waves” during sleep (but the only thing that was corrected was his bank account). He listened to a huge number of messages aimed at the subconscious, such as “I deserve only the best, and nothing is impossible for me.” But when women recklessly complimented him, considering him sweet, kind and caring, he immediately retreated into himself. “She doesn’t know me at all! - he was indignant. “She doesn’t even know what problems I have!” Bo then unknowingly made every effort to demonstrate what he “really” was like, after which the women naturally left.

Why did he allow his friends to treat him like this? People with low self-esteem rarely engage in confrontation and have great difficulty deciding to end destructive relationships, which, naturally, do them more harm than good. The position, which is expressed by the words “I don’t care if I’m alive” or “take what they give”, does not allow taking any active actions. We believe that setting boundaries, making demands, or stating expectations - even if they are reasonable and not at all exaggerated - will result in immediate rejection. Of course, others are quick to notice that we rarely take the initiative and don’t like to argue or protest, which in their eyes makes us less valuable. Over time, they completely stop thinking about our feelings and needs.

Bo's problem was that some of his friends might actually abandon him if he demanded respect for his identity. Some, but not all. I tried to explain to him that having an honest conversation would be a litmus test that would test the quality of his friendships. Those who care about him will agree with Bo's objections and begin to treat him with greater attention and care. Those who are not ready to understand him do not deserve the title of friends.

I seriously doubt that all of Bo's friends were selfish and manipulative, although, of course, they hardly deserved to be awarded Nobel Prize peace. Most of us put in only as much effort as the situation requires. If a small portion of care and attention is enough and we are allowed to take without giving almost anything in return, then we will do so. It's not that we are bad. We're just not used to doing more than necessary. If more was required of us, we would try harder. This is true for almost all relationships.

Case 2: Gladys and her husband

Gladys, a 40-year-old breast cancer survivor, also had a very low opinion of herself. However, unlike Bo, she did not suffer from low self-esteem all her life, but only for a few recent years. It was all to blame for the severe emotional blows inflicted on her after the terrible diagnosis was made. While she was undergoing chemotherapy, her husband left her without any warning. In a show of outrageous cruelty, he served her divorce papers through an intermediary who met her outside the hospital on the day she was discharged from a double mastectomy.

When I met Gladys, she didn't look like any heroine who won fatal disease, nor on the athlete who is in student years won countless medals and cups, not the web designer who created successful business after divorce. Timidity, self-doubt and shyness - that's what caught my eye first.

She said: “Now I am suffering because I am not paid as much as I deserve. They demand that I do things for free that were not initially discussed. Unfortunately, I usually give in to the persuasion of persistent people. They put pressure on me and I eventually give in."

How to treat psychological wounds?

1. Identify your strengths and be determined to assert your value.

Despite the fact that we are often told to say positive affirmations about what we want, their benefits are questionable. Our hero Beau became so addicted to this approach that it was difficult for him to leave it. But he agreed to include activism in his “mantras.” For example: “When I lend money to someone, I say that it must be returned on time” and “If a friend upsets me, I have the right to express dissatisfaction.”

The most effective attitudes for us will be those that emphasize the very real and most valuable qualities of our personality: our reliability, loyalty, tact, and so on (as opposed to positive attitudes, which list desirable qualities that we do not possess). Reminding ourselves of our own worth, which no real or imagined shortcomings can erase, immediately increases our self-esteem and resistance to failure and rejection. There are several tips to improve your self-esteem.

Take time to remember and write down your strengths.

2. Quiet the critical voices in your head.

1. We have all experienced failure, shame, humiliation and rejection and berated ourselves for it. Choose one such event and describe in detail what happened and how you felt. Like any person with low self-esteem, you will probably exaggerate at the same time.

2. Now imagine that all this happened not to you, but to a person close to you. It hurts you to watch him suffer, so you decide to write him a letter to make him feel better. Try to express to him all your kindness, understanding and care, write that you share his feelings, and do not forget to mention that he deserves empathy and support.

3. Describe the same event again, but now only the facts, as objectively as possible. For example, tell us how you made several mistakes during a presentation, but don’t write that your colleagues lost respect for you because of this. No matter how they react, we must remember that low self-esteem causes us to interpret other people's facial expressions and gestures too negatively.

3. Take action

The vast majority of articles, books and trainings that promise to relieve us of feelings of helplessness and self-doubt miss one thing: Self-confidence is not a feeling, but a quality. And it can be formed not by visualization or affirmations , but only by action. It is necessary to start with a problem whose solution does not seem to us the most difficult. Moreover, if we do fail, the consequences should not be severe. We must first collect as much information as possible about how to achieve our goal and develop a plan that we will stick to.

Place all the times when your low self-esteem prevents you from standing up for yourself, in order. Assess your chances of success and the severity of the consequences if you fail. For example, Bo decided to remind his friend Timothy about the $2,000 he borrowed. Timothy promised to return them within three months, but a year has passed since then. Beau called him his “least close friend,” so it made sense to risk the relationship and ask for repayment. And Gladys decided to discuss a couple of “site improvements” that the client asked her to do “as a load” without charging a fee. These improvements did not seem significant enough to her for the client to refuse her services if she asked for payment. So they took the plunge. And what?

Patience and persistence

It should be remembered that gaining self-confidence is a process, not a one-time action. We need to be prepared that not all our efforts will bear fruit quickly and that we need to be persistent. Bo's initial plan failed because his friend rescheduled the conversation for the evening, and then canceled it altogether, citing fatigue. When Gladys called her clients about extra work, they didn't even want to listen.

Every failure will teach us how to develop a more effective plan of action. Beau drew up a convenient payment schedule and mailed it to Timothy, enclosing blank envelopes with his return address. He tried to present only the facts and did not accuse his friend of anything. In response, Timothy apologized and sent a check for the first part of the amount. Gladys continued emailing her clients until they agreed to pay her for more work.

Having dealt with the first item on the list, you should use the surge of strength to solve the next task. We need to act while the memories of success are still fresh! Of course, time must pass before our emotional immunity becomes stronger, and then we begin to act more effectively. However, with every small triumph we become stronger and stronger.

For more details, see G. Winch “Psychological First Aid” (Potpourri, 2014).