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Can a teenager not fall in love? Love in adolescence

Jessica Ingle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009 after receiving her master's degree in counseling psychology. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist and registered drama therapist with over 10 years of experience.

Number of sources used in this article: . You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

Young love is wonderful. Falling in love, especially for the first time, can be both an exciting and scary experience. Such mixed feelings are completely natural. The sensations may be so new that you may wonder if they are real. Even though only you can decide whether you are in love or not, there are things that can help you decide. Reflect on your feelings, analyze your relationships, and finally take steps to deal with everything as a mature person.

Steps

Explore your feelings

Understand that anxiety is normal. The feeling of fear is inherent in anyone who is in love. Of course, a person shouldn't really scare you, but the vulnerability they make you feel can be haunting. Loving someone means giving that person the opportunity to hurt you. This may be scary, but accept it as normal.

How often do you have thoughts about him? If you often think about a person, this is a sign of love. Identify when thoughts about him come to you. Does this happen when you see something he might like? You want him to be close to you, doing simple things with you (like doing homework)? If you think about a person and genuinely miss them when you're not together, you might be in love.

However, if he can't get out of your head, it doesn't necessarily mean you're in love with him. Perhaps it's a blind hobby. )

Dating and Relationship Specialist

True love is here to stay. Jessica Engle, director of Bay Area Dating Coach, says, “Signs of being in love include such obvious things as inability to stop thinking about that person, the desire to spend all your time with him or vision of a shared future. But it can also be something deeper, and if it is love, these feelings will not subside over time."

Make a list of all the things you like about this person. Write everything down positive traits potential lover. Make another list of everything that annoys you about him. There must be something you don't like about him. To be in love means to realize that a person is imperfect, but still go crazy about him.

Sometimes only time can show whether you really care about a person for who they are, or whether you are captivated by their idealized image.

Decide what you are willing to go through to be with this person. Love should never be a source of violence or pain. However, throughout the relationship you will definitely have disagreements. Think about whether you will still love the person after a fight, or whether you will support him in hard times. If you are ready to be with him, despite all the adversity, most likely you love him.
- You should not endure deception, as well as mental or physical violence, in order to be with the person you love.
- If your parents or friends don't like your choice, talk to them about it. Before you take action on your relationship, consider whether your loved ones' judgment is justified.
Analyze the relationship
1. Make sure your feelings are mutual. If in doubt, just talk to the person about it. It's normal if you're in a relationship but your partner isn't sure what they love about you yet. Give him time, but be prepared to save your love for the future if he never loves you back.
  - Yes, you can love unrequitedly, but it will hurt you in the long run. If you're not in a relationship, consider whether you're close enough to the person to truly love them.
2. Analyze your feelings after you've been together for a while. If you have never been in a relationship with this person, or if you have only known him for a week, then most likely the feelings you are experiencing are not love. Wait a little and analyze your attitude towards him again. Spend some time with your partner and, if possible, discuss your relationship with him. If you were together for a long time and still feel love, most likely your feelings are real.
  - The time it takes to fall in love depends on the individual. However, in adolescence the emotions can be so overwhelming that you almost immediately think it's love. Wait at least a few months before swearing your love.
3. Does the person treat you with respect? You can’t control your feelings, but you shouldn’t give your love to someone who treats you badly. A person who deserves your love should interact with you kindly, be there when you need support, and never do anything that could be considered abusive. It will take some time to understand how each of you feels about each other.
  - The person you love should treat you so well that you become a better and more confident person.
4. Check the level of trust in the relationship. Trust is an important part of any relationship. When you are truly in love, you trust that person. It is natural for there to be a little jealousy on both sides, but it should not be excessive. Check how you feel if your loved one goes out with friends in the evening or talks to other girls/boys. Also, pay attention to your partner's reaction when you do the same.
  - Testing trust does not mean that you need to set your partner up. For example, you shouldn't send another girl or guy to flirt with him to test his reaction.
Approach relationships maturely
1. Tell your parents how you feel. You may feel like an adult, but usually your parents still have a lot to teach you. Or maybe you feel awkward talking to them about love. In fact, it can be beneficial for all parties. Parents can draw from their own experiences and help you deal with your emotions. Plus, if you open up to them, it will be easier for them to accept the idea that you are in a relationship.
  - Ask your parents if they can make time to talk with you. You could say something like, “I'm having trouble sorting out my feelings and I'd like your advice.”
  - Or: “It seems to me that I have fallen in love. Can you help me deal with these emotions?”
2. Don't rush things. You may be in love, but that doesn't mean you should rush into a relationship. Don't rush to explore sexual experiences or make serious commitments to each other. Enjoy being teenagers in love without putting too much pressure on you.

Your teenage child hides his eyes from you, often locks himself in his room, whispers on the phone for a long time, does not say who he is going out with... Maybe the child has fallen in love?

Do not panic

Even if everything is known and the teenager does not hide the fact that he has an object of sympathy, his parents will not have fewer questions about this. After all, according to psychologists, teenage love is something special. Everything is for the first time, everything is unusual, and most importantly, everything is risky. Therefore, it is important to know about the peculiarities of teenage psychology in order not to commit actions that could harm your son or daughter more than help.

If a mom or dad suddenly finds their daughter kissing at the entrance, they are overcome with horror - what next? Adults have the ability to completely forget that they were once teenagers. And their first kiss, it is possible, was also “early”. And even if this is not the case, there is nothing wrong with your child kissing. After all, he had already grown up so much that he began to be interested in issues of gender, sex and love. 13 years old, and even more so 15-16, is a fairly “mature” age to begin to show attention to the opposite sex.

How should adults behave? Never yell at a teenager. It is better to ask a few questions in a confidential conversation about how your daughter or son feels when he touches the object of his love. And also - how your child generally imagines a model of relationships.

What's the secret"?

A feature of adolescence is a kind of “revolution” that occurs both inside the child’s body and in his mind. Hormonal development is proceeding at a rapid pace, against the background of which changes are taking place on all fronts. The period of puberty is stormy and problematic. A teenager's mood can change several times a day. He himself often does not understand the reasons for such changes. Mothers can understand their children more easily if they know that this state of mind is very similar to the state of a woman during pregnancy and after it.

The teenager changes in appearance. At this time, it is very important for a child how his peers evaluate him, so during this period parents need to show maximum tact. Any remark regarding appearance can give rise to an inferiority complex in a teenager. And he will grow up to be an insecure person. For example, a mother told her daughter a couple of times (even if laughing) that her nose is too long, and you can give an 80% guarantee that the girl will be embarrassed about her nose all her life.

One of the features teenage love is a sharp “change of love”. That is, a child can fall in love several times a month. And every time consider that this is serious and for a long time. This is how teenage maximalism manifests itself. In addition, boys can idolize one girl, but date and be friends with a completely different one.

Teenagers can speak freely and obscenely about things related to sex, and immediately enthusiastically and sublimely praise the one they like.

When they are in love, they are eager to go outside. The reasons are understandable - a thirst for communication. The desire to see your loved one and friends with whom you want to discuss everything that is happening. It is difficult for teenagers to withstand the colossal stress of new feelings and desires; they have not yet developed norms of behavior, and self-control is not sufficiently developed. Therefore, you should not demand unquestioning obedience, but it is more important to show that he can discuss everything with you.

The first "I want"

The sexual side of relationships among teenagers is often not associated with first love. Adolescent and young adult sexuality is characterized by its “experimental” nature. Your own sexual reactions and the reactions of your partners are explored. Hormonal changes in many teenagers lead to an explosion of hypersexuality. Therefore, many boys and girls begin to masturbate and get involved in erotic and pornographic magazines and movies.

Parents should not react violently if they catch their child doing such a “horrible” activity. Your task is to be ready to discuss any issues sex life with kids. Forget about embarrassment and awkwardness. Otherwise, peers will tell the child about THIS. And what knowledge they have is anyone's guess. In such conversations, the mother should tell her daughter about what she can expect in relationships with men. And dad - introduce his son to the basic wisdom sexual relations with women. Watch films about love together, discuss what is happening on the screen.

What can be done?

At the stage of teenage development, it is important for a child to learn how to build relationships with people of the opposite sex. The information he gets from books and films is not enough for him. New relationships are a way to learn about the characteristics different people, understand your own sympathies.

Love in adolescence, of course, is like a “roller coaster”, in contrast to adolescence, which is already more stable and even. And parents need to look at this with understanding and condescension.

Let your child know that you are his friend, not his enemy. Let him always have the opportunity to come to you and tell his spiritual secrets. The first feelings are always painful. A teenager may feel that “this is a disaster,” “it’s all over,” because “he (she) doesn’t love me!” If you want to help your child, advise the correct solution, in your opinion. Make it clear that you are confident that he will make his own choice. This way you will gain the trust and respect of your own child. And he will most likely listen to your advice.

Interesting

“LOVE is like a song” is the title of a section in a new native language textbook for ninth-grade secondary school students in China. It is dedicated to nature romantic love. Materials published in the section and literary works should, according to the authors, teach schoolchildren a rational approach to the emotions that grip them at the stage of puberty. The guys must understand that love is beautiful and diverse, but they need to prepare themselves for it. A letter from the Russian teacher Vasily Sukhomlinsky, a poem by Alexander Pushkin, and a famous passage from Charlotte Bronte’s novel “Jane Eyre”, published in the textbook, tell us what this wonderful feeling is. main character speaks of his desire to have equality in his relationship with his loved one. This manual illustrates a kind and gentle approach to feeling. It is interesting that in the textbook there is not a single memory of Romeo and Juliet - the very famous work about teenage love. It turns out that the Chinese education system does not approve and, moreover, considers this work dangerous. Shakespeare tells the story of star-crossed lovers who defy their families, run away from home, and commit suicide. And the feeling of love should be developed in young people in the most prudent way.

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Unfortunately, it is rare that youthful love is without drama.

Children grow up quickly. It seemed like just yesterday the son was only interested in ice cream and transformers, and the daughter was enthusiastically playing with dolls, but today they are having “romances” and almost real adulthood. But even the most advanced parents are not ready for Shakespearean passions in the family. Is it possible to soften the storm?

Romeo and Juliet: first experience

In matters of youthful romance, the concept of “norm” does not exist. Pushkin, Lermontov and Nabokov mentioned in their memoirs that they experienced love before they were 10 years old. For two great poets these were platonic impulses, but Nabokov at a tender age practiced erotic play with a female peer, if you believe “Lolita” as a biographical source. Marina Tsvetaeva fell in love before she entered the gymnasium, but the “subject” was Napoleon’s early deceased son, whom the girl knew only from portraits. Shakespeare's Juliet was 13 years old, and she was in such a hurry to experience the joys of the flesh with Romeo that the priest barely had time to marry them. But Pushkin’s Tatiana turned 17 years old, and her feelings were completely chaste.

The norm depends on the physical and emotional development of a particular teenager. Creative children with a rich imagination begin to look for the ideal of love almost in kindergarten, girls and especially boys who entered puberty early are driven crazy by a hormonal storm. Conversely, teenagers who are fixated on studies, sports or hobbies may well show childish naivety in matters of feelings even at the age of 15-16. Parents, of course, are unable to prevent their sons and daughters from growing up; it is useless to fight falling in love. However, elders can help children, explain what is happening to them and why, and protect them from tragic mistakes. By the age of 12-13, both boys and girls should receive enough information - not only about contraception and protection from STDs, but also about spiritual intimacy, the joys and sorrows of the first feeling.

In youth, the romance of love is often associated with the search for one’s place in society, self-identification, the need for understanding and support, and is often mistaken for feelings sexual attraction. The teenager is selfish in his passion, does not see or does not want to notice the real qualities and needs of the object of affection. However, one should not exclude genuine feelings - sometimes marriages for life are concluded from school.

In love or not in love?

Any parent can determine that a teenager suffered from Cupid's arrows. It's simple. Let's list the most important signs.

1. The teenager becomes secretive. An attempt to look into his phone, mail, diary leads to violent aggression. He (she) speaks on a mobile phone in the bathroom or on the stairs, puts a password on a computer or smartphone.

2. Creativity is activated. The teenager begins to draw, write, read and listen to poetry, music or songs with romantic motives.

3. Emotions jump. The teenager returns from school either in euphoria or in deep despondency, and is unreasonably upset or happy from text messages or phone calls.

4. A mysterious interlocutor appears. A son or daughter constantly communicates with someone on social networks, talks on the phone, stands at the entrance for hours, writes notes, text messages, etc. long letters, carefully stores the answers.

5. The invisible presence of the object of love. The teenager constantly mentions “Kolya” or “Masha” in conversations, posts on social networks, etc., turns out his piggy bank to buy a birthday present, protects him/her, walks him home, etc.

6. Interest in issues of love and sex. A son or daughter is looking for information on how to please a boy or girl, win the attention of an object, how to use protection and lose virginity.

7. Unreasonable quarrels. A teenager unexpectedly quarrels with a friend of the opposite sex, cuts him off from all contacts, refuses to answer the phone, etc.

8. Traces of intimacy. The teenager hides “hickeys” and bruises on the body, torn or soiled underwear.

9. Interest in appearance. A son or daughter shows off in front of the mirror unreasonably, tries shaving, doing hair removal, fights acne, carefully chooses clothes, deodorant and perfume.

10 Recognition. If there is any trust in the family, sooner or later the teenager will want to talk to his parents about his feelings.

Right to make mistakes

Parents rarely like their children's chosen ones, especially when Romeo and Juliet have not yet passed the State Examination Test. Early love often interferes with studies, provokes conflicts at school, and distance from family and relatives. Young Romeo can get bad marks, be a hooligan, be the son of a janitor or a market trader. Little Juliet sometimes develops a habit of expensive gifts and dangerous whims. However, nothing can be done when they are chosen instead of decent children from good families.

You should not separate lovers, prohibit communication with a “scoundrel” or a “prostitute,” scold and condemn. Express your concerns calmly, reasonedly, from an “I-position”: I am upset that you have decreased your grades, started going to bed late and being late for classes; I don't like that you spent all your pocket money and got into fights at school.

Talk to your child about his experiences, sympathize, ask questions - this will help him open up. Support him, console him in adversity, distract him with interesting projects, household chores, and travel. Place books on the psychology of communication, manuals on contraception, and the contraceptives themselves in prominent places. Teen sex is bad, but pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease during puberty is much worse. Talk to yourself or ask a friend to talk to your child about the dangers of early intimate life, that a loving young man will take care of his girlfriend and will not put her at risk.

A special case is falling in love with a peer of the same sex and erotic experiments on this basis. Girls often “adore” their friends, hugging and kissing them. Boys, especially in closed schools, experience joint masturbation and petting. A frightened teenager may think he is gay or gay. This is not so - in youth, such experiments occur more often than adults would like, and do not in any way affect future orientation. However, they should not be encouraged - after supporting the child and listening, it is worth gently hinting about the undesirability of such games.

The only reason for strictly isolating a son or daughter from a lover is a direct threat to life. If your child is beaten, sexually oppressed, provoked to dangerous acts, treated to alcohol or drugs, or drawn into illegal actions, then you should not expect a tragic ending. It’s better to contact the police, move to another school, move to another district or city, block social networks on your home PC.

Fathers and Sons

The main danger of first love is the chance of suicide. A teenager can commit suicide because of a trivial quarrel or “betrayal” of the object of his affections, ridicule of classmates or tactlessness of teachers. Another risk is an extreme or criminal act in order to attract the attention of the one with whom you are in love. Unrequited love or conflict with a lover can cause depression and even trigger the onset of mental illness. Therefore, young Romeo, like Juliet, especially needs parental attention, contact and emotional closeness.

If you suspect that a teenager is experiencing a heart drama, try to surround him with unobtrusive control, do not leave him alone for a long time. Any company will do - a visiting aunt, a younger brother, a smart tutor, a neighbor's teenager, in extreme cases an active one who requires care will do a pet(puppy, kitten, ferret or minipig). If you are unable to establish a dialogue, find an interlocutor for the teenager from among relatives or family friends, let the lover have an older friend who can be trusted with secrets of the heart.

In no case should you violate the personal space of your son or daughter - read diaries, mail, SMS correspondence, private posts on social networks, or eavesdrop on conversations without asking. If your teenager finds out about this, you will lose his trust forever. And information can also be obtained from open sources - the same social networks, for example.

If you notice that a teenager withdraws into himself, refuses to go to school, communicate with peers, and loses his appetite, you should not wait for trouble - you need the help of a psychologist or even a doctor. But don't worry ahead of time. For most people, first love passes without drama, leaving only bright memories. May your children be luckier than Romeo and Juliet!

First love is usually romanticized - it is a bright, pure feeling that remains in a person’s memory forever. True, this love can be both mutual and unrequited, both happy and full of dramatic events. What to do if your teenager falls in love?

Raging hormones, and against their background, sexual desire, strong emotions - this is what the child is experiencing now. He wants to take care of his loved one and receive attention from him. First love is actually a bright feeling, precisely because it is the first - a teenager has no sad experience broken heart, he believes that this happiness is forever. Of course, there are many examples of how a school crush eventually led to the creation of a family, but in most situations a short-term romance happens. How should parents react if their child declares that he has fallen in love?

rejoice

Firstly, if he declares, then it is already very good. This means that the teenager trusts you - otherwise he would not have told you about his most secret things. Secondly, calm down, take a bath and drink a cup of coffee. Of course, you are worried - “What about studying, and will English now be abandoned?” It is likely that with the appearance of a loved one, all interests and plans will fade into the background. But remember yourself: what lessons are there when there is only one thought in your head - will he call or not? Falling in love is a natural feeling, everyone, as they say, has been there.

Show tact

The most big mistake What parents do after learning the news from their child is asking for details. Who she is (or such), how old she is, and what her parents do, bring her and introduce her. A violent reaction will alert the teenager and he will go on the defensive, and trust will be undermined. If you want to discuss, just tell young Romeo (or Juliet) that he can count on you, if questions arise, be open to dialogue. But it’s not worth turning into Sherlock Holmes, monitoring and checking “appearance passwords” on your phone.

Share own experience- tell me yours romantic story from school days, this will bring you closer together and allow your teen to gain insight into someone else's experiences. True, if you still find it unpleasant to return to the past, it is better to remain silent. Let too personal and sad experiences remain deep in your memory.

Don't judge

It’s also a very common situation when parents don’t like the child’s chosen one. Let's tell you a secret: your opinion doesn't matter, unfortunately. The more you focus on the shortcomings of a passion, the more the teenager will be drawn to the object of his feelings. React calmly, even if your child’s significant other is a representative of a subculture: goth, metalhead or other informal. Maybe the guy in the biker jacket and with a mohawk on his head is a brilliant mathematician? And this is what attracts your growing daughter to him? Time will pass, the hairstyle will change, but the intelligence will remain!

Talk about important things

An important issue that needs to be discussed (ideally, even before “love unexpectedly arrives”) is contraception. Yes, in our 21st century, when spaceships roam the open spaces Bolshoi Theater, many parents are still embarrassed to talk to their children about THIS. And they leave the topic to the wind school friends, street and Internet. Correcting errors! Firstly, without your intervention, the teenager receives a lot of fragmentary and not always correct information. Secondly, sex education is very serious, and parents must cover sensitive topics. Dad can talk to the boy, mom can talk to the girl. Calmly and without embarrassment, talk about the need for protection and the consequences of its absence. And, of course, that love is responsibility. If, after reading these lines, you mentally exclaim “My child is not like that - it’s too early for him to think about it!”, then you are mistaken. It's not too early. And then - it’s better to discuss everything earlier than later to rack your brains over a sudden teenage pregnancy.

Support

But what to do if love turns out to be unrequited? How to help? Unfortunately, there is no way to explain this. Your teenager understands everything perfectly well, but this does not make his suffering any less. Therefore, we simply support - hug, worry, cry. All you can do is be considerate and supportive.

“Don’t worry, everything will pass,” - under no circumstances say that to a teenager, it will only cause aggression. For him, this is all happening here and now, he feels bad - and it is not going away yet. Sympathize, empathize, be there and try to maintain the teenager’s self-esteem. Very often, unhappy love literally pulls the rug out from under your feet; the child believes that the problem is with him - he doesn’t look like that, doesn’t dress like that, doesn’t speak like that. Give compliments! Of course, unobtrusively and appropriately in a specific situation. Note how the new dress suits your daughter, how her hairstyle suits her. For a son, comments about how courageous he looks or acts like a real man are important.

First love is one of the most important and most memorable events in a person’s life. She remains in memory regardless of whether she was happy, unhappy or unrequited. The experiences associated with first love are vivid and dramatic.

First love is remembered because it is the first emotional attachment to a person from the surrounding society and not belonging to the teenager’s family. This is his personal choice without regard to his parents. In fact, this is the very first step beyond family circle, which means a step into independence.

In addition to hormones and, awakened against their background, the sexual desire of a teenager is captured by unprecedented strength of emotions. He feels a surge of empathy, a desire to take care of his loved one, he basks in the attention of the other. And of course, all this happens for the first time. Many moments of first love are remembered for a lifetime. They are the first, never before experienced and this newness will never be experienced again. The first kiss will never be repeated, there will be a second, third, hundredth. But everything will no longer be the same as the first time. Teenage love is often talked about as some kind of pure feeling, and, to some extent, this is true. Sociologist Laura Carpenter in one of her books explains this opinion by saying that a person is in love for the first time, and he has no experience of a broken heart. He does not believe in the possibility that the happiness he is counting on will not happen. Yes, the first relationship may not be the best, but the teenager has nothing to compare it with, and no matter what, for him his first partner is the best.

In the first stage of love, which is popularly called the “candy-bouquet period,” teenagers very often idealize their object of love. Adults have this too. However, adults already have some experience and it happens that they themselves have unsuccessful connections and relationships behind them. Even during the period of idealization, they look at their new partner candidate with a degree of caution. A teenager often falls in love like a puppy. Yes, many people see some in their boyfriend or girlfriend negative qualities, but ignore them or justify them. This often happens even when there is violence on the part of one of the partners in the relationship.

The first partner is very big influence on how a person’s personal relationships will be built in the future. It matters whether the love was happy or not. Mutual love usually has a very positive effect on a person’s feelings in society and his self-esteem. And the unlucky one...

As Tolstoy said: “everything happy families happy alike, but all unhappy people are unhappy in different ways.” This phrase is not only about families, but also about people who are in relationships. One of the surveys in high schools in the United States, conducted by Karl E. Picard, showed that only 15% of the children surveyed experience first mutual love with deep positive feelings. Everyone else has relationships that are now aptly described by the phrase “everything is complicated for me.” That is, the percentage of happy and mutual love between teenagers is not that high. Others experience varying degrees dissatisfaction with your relationship.

Teenagers don't always start dating because they're in love. For them, relationships are not only feelings, but also a sign of socialization, maturation, success and competition. Often special meaning given to the status of a partner in a teenage team, his opportunities and connections. Having a boyfriend or girlfriend, even formally, increases self-esteem, and he occupies a significant position in the peer group. It happens that teenagers even conspire among themselves to “walk together” in order to create the appearance of well-being.

But, for sure, everyone knows and has before their eyes examples that people with a complete collapse of their first love subsequently found a wonderful partner and “lived happily ever after.” And there are those who carry their first unsuccessful relationship experience throughout their entire lives. Much depends on whether the teenager can evaluate his failed relationship constructively. After all, first love is not only unclouded joy without the experience of failure. There is also a place for mental pain in it. For many, the end of a first relationship is also an experience of loss. Teenagers realize even more deeply that no unconditional love when you are loved by default. You can lose your partner without any reason. He may simply change his mind or prefer someone else. And here nothing can be done, but only accept the state of affairs.

What do teenagers take from this?

Some people understand that this is life and are again looking for a close friend, correcting the mistakes of their first love and relationships. Others endure the belief that the world is unfair to them and they will never be wanted. They were pushed away, and the fear of a repeat of this situation haunts them for the rest of their lives. Often they are looking for a partner similar to their first love and trying to close and resolve an unresolved problem. This does not bring happiness to the majority; often everything results in stepping on the same rake.

Children who have not experienced emotional warmth from their parents are at high risk of such an outcome of first love. The longing for unconditional and accepting love and affection is poured out on a boyfriend or girlfriend. They often rush blindly into new relationships and especially idealize their partner. Not all partners are ready to endure the pressure of such feelings, and not everyone just wants it. Separation for this reason, or even for a reason common to all teenagers, hits hard for children raised without the warmth of attention in the family. Such teenagers more often end up in violent relationships, justify the rapist and extremely resist all attempts by others to help them improve their personal lives.

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