I have heard that it is inappropriate to bring flowers to a Jewish funeral. It's right? What phrases are best not to say at all?

The last notes

Miscalculation memorial days

*the first day is considered the day of death

How to behave at the funeral of loved ones

February 20, 2018

Sooner or later, a person faces the death of relatives, close friends, colleagues. A funeral is not just the process of burying a coffin with the deceased in the ground, but an entire ritual that requires strict adherence to certain rules.
Seeing off the deceased in last way cause many people panic fear and even horror. And this is understandable, because the mourning procedure is shrouded in numerous mysterious and mystical rules and signs.
Elderly people believe that mistakes made during a funeral can doom the soul of the deceased to suffering, as well as bring grief to the living. That is why every person should know how to behave correctly at a funeral and how to avoid the most common mistakes.

Behavior at a funeral

In most cases, the funeral ceremony takes place on the second or third day after the person's death. Before this, the body of the deceased must be prepared. Main stages of the preparatory process:

• ablution;
• changing clothes;
• funeral lithium;
• funeral service

The deceased must be washed clean water, then wipe dry. This is done so that a person gets to heaven perfectly clean. This is followed by changing clothes - the deceased is dressed in new, smart clothes.

An obligatory part of an Orthodox funeral is a funeral lithium and funeral service. Approximately 1-2 hours before the body of the deceased is removed from the premises, the priest conducts a funeral service and sprinkles the deceased with holy water. The funeral service is held immediately before the burial and consists of several chants and prayers. It is believed that only after this the deceased is ready to appear before God.

How to behave at a relative's funeral

How to behave at a funeral loved one? This question often arises for people who have not attended farewell ceremonies for a long time. This period is the most difficult for close relatives, as they are faced not only with enormous grief, but also with the organization of the burial of the deceased. They need to contact the relevant authorities and obtain a death certificate.
Fortunately, today there are a huge number of funeral services that will take care of all stages of preparation for the funeral, eliminating this need for relatives. The funeral service organizes not only the farewell ceremony, but also the funeral dinner.

Important rules to follow when burying a relative:

1. One of the relatives or friends must remain near the coffin with the deceased; the deceased should not be left alone in the room.
2. After the death of a person, it is necessary to cover all the mirrors with thick fabric - it is believed that the soul of the deceased can fall into the looking glass.
3. Chairs or other pieces of furniture on which the coffin rested should be turned upside down and left in that position for 24 hours after the funeral.
4. The water with which the deceased was washed should be poured out in a deserted, deserted place.
5. A comb, soap and other items that were used to wash the deceased must be placed in the coffin.

Close relatives must wear exclusively black clothes and shoes to the funeral ceremony. Women are required to cover their hair with black scarves. Traditionally, during a funeral, close relatives should be on the left side of the coffin, and friends and acquaintances should be on the right. After the funeral ceremony, relatives are the first to present wreaths and flowers, and only after them do others present.

How to behave at the funeral of a loved one

When going to a funeral, you should pay attention Special attention on your clothes. The best option would be things of traditional black color, which has long been a symbol of mourning and grief. Black can be replaced with other dark shades - brown, blue, green.

Of course, a funeral ceremony is not the most the best place for bright colors, deep necklines, high slits or short skirts. Such clothing will be offensive to the relatives of the deceased. Similar restrictions apply to makeup, which should be as natural and neutral as possible.
It is customary to come to a funeral with a bouquet of fresh flowers, of which there should be an even number, or a wreath with a mourning ribbon. It is imperative to approach the loved ones and relatives of the deceased and express condolences.

During the funeral, it is prohibited to talk loudly, laugh or discuss anyone around you. If a relative of the deceased or another person becomes ill, it is imperative to support him and provide assistance. Therefore, it is best to have a few extra handkerchiefs and a sedative with you.

When answering the question of how to behave during a funeral, you should remember that organizing a farewell ceremony falls on the shoulders of close relatives and friends of the deceased. Therefore, it would be right to help with the organization of the funeral, including providing all possible financial assistance.

How to behave at your mother's funeral

The death of a mother is a difficult loss for children, regardless of their age. But children need not only to experience the bitterness of loss, but also to organize a farewell to their mother. Traditionally, farewell is divided into three main stages:

• preparation for the funeral ceremony;
• funeral;

Children can organize their mother’s funeral on their own or seek help from a funeral agency. Relatives and friends are informed about the date and time of burial by telephone.
The basic rules for holding a parent's funeral are no different from a regular funeral ceremony. Before taking the coffin out of the house, it is best to ask one of your relatives to take ammonia, validol or another sedative with them.

After the mother’s funeral, it is the children who invite everyone gathered to a funeral dinner, having previously taken care of the availability of the necessary transport. After lunch, children can pass food from the table to relatives and friends who were not present at the funeral so that they honor the memory of the deceased.

How to behave at a friend's funeral

Relatives send news of a person’s death by telephone or mail. In the event of the death of a close friend, it is believed that you can come to the funeral without notification, because grieving relatives could simply forget about one of the friends.

After arriving at the house of a deceased friend, you must definitely approach his relatives and express condolences, if desired, hug him and offer your help. A few rules of conduct at a friend's funeral:

1. During the funeral ceremony, you must turn off your mobile phone.
2. It is forbidden to shout or talk loudly.
3. If desired, before the burial, you can say a few good farewell words about the deceased.
4. You should not hold back your tears - if you want to cry, you can give free rein to your feelings at the funeral.
5. During the farewell ceremony, you cannot consume alcohol or any food.

The organizers of the funeral ceremony may ask a friend of the deceased to carry the coffin lid - in no case should you refuse, as this is considered disrespect for the deceased and his family.

Behavior at a funeral in a cemetery

There are several rules of behavior at the cemetery that must be observed during the farewell procession. For example, every person knows that it is strictly forbidden to cross the road on the street of a funeral procession. This is considered a harbinger of a bad event.

The coffin lid should only be hammered in the cemetery, but under no circumstances in the courtyard of the house. This threatens the death of another family member. For the same reason, it is forbidden to dig a grave that is too large.

It is not recommended to walk in front of the coffin, which is also considered bad sign. Relatives are prohibited from carrying the coffin lid; only friends, acquaintances and colleagues of the deceased can do this. You can enter the cemetery through a gate, but you can also exit through the gate.

Under no circumstances should you put coins, photographs or any other things into the coffin with the deceased. It is believed that in this way dead man can “attract” any of the living to itself. Before burial, the ropes with which they were tied must be removed from the hands and feet of the deceased, and then placed in a coffin. After the funeral, a memorial dinner is required.

Proper behavior during a funeral dinner

When answering the question of how to behave at a wake after a funeral, you need to remember that regardless of the status of the deceased person, the dinner should be as modest and restrained as possible, since it is a tribute to the memory of the deceased, and not a solemn event. For the same reason, a wake should not be held in an expensive restaurant.
One of the closest relatives invites those gathered to the funeral dinner on behalf of the entire family. As a rule, the spouse of the deceased person is at the head of the table, with relatives, friends and colleagues on the sides.

Special attention is paid to table setting - it is best to use a plain tablecloth and tableware, without bright ornaments. Traditionally, during a funeral dinner, forks and knives are not used, only spoons. For this reason, instead of bread, pies or soft rolls that can be broken with your hands are served on the table.

Before starting the meal, the head of the family makes a funeral speech about the deceased. Among the dishes that must be present at a funeral dinner are:

The issue regarding alcoholic beverages is decided by the relatives of the deceased independently. It should be remembered that a funeral dinner is not a celebration; only simple, modest dishes should be present at it.

Signs at a funeral

There are special signs during a funeral that every person who comes to the funeral ceremony should know about. Old people claim that signs associated with funerals must be observed, as they can lead to disaster if not followed.

1. Clothes for burial must be new and clean.
2. The shoes of the deceased must be soft and have backs; they cannot be buried in sandals.
3. The deceased must have a funeral service in the church.
4. If a person dies in a hospital, he must be brought to his home before burial.
5. After the funeral car leaves the yard, the floors in the house must be swept and washed, but not for relatives.
6. The broom and other accessories used for cleaning must be thrown away in a deserted place.
7. Children should attend the funeral ceremony only if absolutely necessary.
8. Cats, dogs or any other animals should not be allowed into the room with the deceased.
9. The handkerchiefs used to wipe away tears should be thrown into the grave.
10. You need to be careful not to leave your belongings in the cemetery.

Signs in the cemetery must be observed, because this will help to avoid many troubles, especially if the person is superstitious.

Pregnant woman at a funeral

For many centuries there has been a belief that Pregnant women are prohibited from attending funerals. Mystical explanation of this rule due to the fact that pregnancy is the period of birth of a new life, and death is the time of leaving this world.

In addition, a pregnant woman receives a huge charge of negative emotions during the funeral ceremony, which poses a serious danger to the growth and development of the child.

What should you not do at a funeral?

Signs on the day of the funeral indicate what neither relatives nor friends of the deceased should do. It is strictly prohibited:

• when taking the coffin out of the house, look in a mirror or window;
• until the 40th day, distribute the belongings of the deceased;
• flowers should never be taken from a cemetery or the house of the deceased;
• While the coffin with the deceased is in the house, you cannot sweep;
• After burial, you cannot drink alcohol in the cemetery.

A funeral is a whole ritual that requires strict adherence to special rules of conduct. They allow you to conduct with all honors and respect loved one on the last journey.

Such a serious illness as schizophrenia, unfortunately, can occur in any person, regardless of education, income, age and gender. Therefore, no one can guarantee that this will never happen to one of our loved ones. Naturally, you don’t want to think about bad things, however, it is absolutely necessary to know that in such a situation, a sick person needs an extremely special attitude towards him from his family and friends.

Yes, people with schizophrenia have a rather specific perception of the world around them, but this does not mean that these people do not need human warmth, love and care from others. The main task relatives of a patient with schizophrenia is to help him adapt to society.

How to behave correctly with a patient with schizophrenia?

People with schizophrenia are easily influenced environment and for this reason, effective communication with them is extremely important, when you are aware of how, at what time and what to talk about. If you are angry or upset, you should postpone discussion with the sick person. important issues. In such unstable states, it is not easy to think clearly, listen carefully and make constructive decisions.

Anyone gets sad, angry, and upset when others push them away, let alone people with mental disorders. The behavior of others often in itself pushes patients with schizophrenia to impulsive and unexpected actions. A person who lives with a patient suffering from schizophrenia must try to adequately, calmly and with understanding respond to his actions, provide assistance in every possible way, show care, support, and protect him. Relatives and friends must learn tolerance. Warm and “healthy” relationships in the family are the basis for the onset of high-quality and long-term remission, partial or complete social adaptation, as well as recovery!

If you notice unusual behavior, “strange”, inappropriate statements and beliefs in one of your loved ones, be sure to do everything to show him to a psychiatrist. This is not so simple, since people with schizophrenia do not consider themselves sick. Therefore, you can find an indirect reason for visiting a doctor: bad dream, deterioration of mutual understanding with others, relief from increased anxiety and fear, etc.

Unfortunately, the so-called “stigmatization” of mental illness is widespread in our society, so people often believe that going to a psychiatrist is something shameful, a “stigma,” but this is not true at all! Modern possibilities of psychiatry, in particular the latest psychotropic drugs, have given patients with schizophrenia a chance to overcome the disease, become fully socially adapted, and not be or feel crazy.

It is necessary to know that the active course of the disease, when delusions and hallucinations persist, lead over time to the formation of a specific schizophrenic defect, which changes the personality and prevents it from adapting to society. Therefore, if you turn to a specialist for help in time, you can give your loved ones not only the opportunity to get rid of the painful manifestations of schizophrenia, which change a person, his views and behavior, but also the opportunity to become socially adapted and function at a pre-morbid level.

Of course, you have noticed that from the point of view of relationships with others, there are two types of people: those who brighten up any company, with whom it is interesting and fun, and those who are little respected by the people around them. Why does this happen and how to communicate so that you are respected? Start changing yourself, rather than changing others, and then, over time, respect will come and you will improve your relationships with others.

If you want to feel full of vitality, emotionally stable and gain respect, you must first know yourself. Knowing yourself will help you build relationships with others based on trust, love and respect, happiness and common goals.

The beauty of the mind evokes wonder, the beauty of the soul evokes respect.
Bernard le Beauvier de Fontenelle

1. Learn to listen to others.

Wait for your turn to speak, do not limit the other person’s desire to communicate with you, do not interrupt him when he is telling you something, even if you are not interested.

You can skillfully change the topic, but do not abruptly cut off your interlocutor mid-sentence.

This bad habit ruined more than one person's life. If you have one, then fight it.

43. Take up more space.

An insecure person is revealed by his modest location in space. He sits on the edge of the chair, tries not to disturb anyone, his elbows are pressed, his legs are crossed under the chair.

Remember how you behave in pleasant company. And try to take the same poses.

44. Maintain your posture and gesticulate less.

If you are a leader, then this should be your first rule. After all, a boss should look like a boss—seriously, personably and boldly.

45. Be sincere.

Even if in order to produce the right impression you need to embellish something, don't do it. This will give you a bad reputation.

46. ​​Don't promise what you can't deliver.

Keep your word always and everywhere. Otherwise, you can be branded as a talker.

In any work process, there are moments when your help may be needed. This is fine. But when helping your colleagues, don't do it too emotionally.

Such complete dedication may look like sycophancy to some people. And others may feel that you consider them incompetent employees or simply stupid people. After all, only small children who don’t know how to do anything are so joyfully helped.

47. Learn to refuse tactfully - so as not to offend the person

After all, due to the fact that it is inconvenient to say “no”, you may not have time to complete the task assigned to you. Politely apologize or offer to help after you've done what your boss told you to do. Read also: How to learn to say “no” - learning to refuse correctly.

If you are a leader, it is very important to learn how to protect your subordinates and defend their interests. This does not mean that you will constantly indulge them. This means that what you think about them, you create for them. Better conditions labor. Show you care from the first day of work!

48. Work conscientiously.

If the newcomer is lazy, then the entire team understands that the unfulfilled volumes will fall on their shoulders. And no one wants to overexert themselves.

49. Always learn.

Develop as a specialist, a leader and simply as a person. There is no limit to perfection, and your desire to grow will be appreciated.

Who is friends with whom, what are the conversations about, what kind of people are here.

51. Don't gossip.

Every team has gossipers. You shouldn’t join them, but you shouldn’t wage war with them either. Because either way you will lose.

The best option is to listen to the person and leave under a good excuse. Under no circumstances should you discuss the news you hear with anyone. After all, the ideal way to combat gossip is to completely ignore it.

52. Participate in collective life - it strengthens the team.

If everyone is going to a restaurant, a theater, a movie, or a community cleanup, go with them.

53. Don’t try to please everyone - it’s impossible.

Be yourself. Because individuals with their own opinions and way of thinking are valued everywhere.

54. Know how to enjoy the successes of other people. This emphasizes your friendliness.

55. Take criticism adequately

You need to listen to her, and if you do not agree, calmly express your opinion. But don’t shout, don’t get personal, and don’t get offended.

56. Accept people for who they are

You should not impose your opinion, your ways of solving problems and organizing work moments. Everyone decides for themselves how to live and how to work.

57. Immediately determine who you report to.

And follow the instructions of only superior people. Since in almost any team there are those who like to boss around newcomers.

58. Try not to show excitement - breathe deeply when talking.

59. Don’t act like a know-it-all bore. The first few days, simplicity will not hurt.

60. Don't reveal yourself completely to your colleagues.

And this rule applies not only to beginners. Not everyone needs to know what problems you have at home, what your relationship with your husband and children is like.

Why wash dirty linen in public? There is a world into which there is no entry for outsiders. Let your colleagues know only about your marital status.

61. Don't engage in idle chatter in the workplace

The sad fact is that instead of completing assigned tasks, chatterboxes come to work just to chat. They try to fire these employees as soon as possible. Neither their bosses nor their colleagues like them.

62. Do your job well

In any field of activity, the most respected are those who are experts in their field. People love to give compliments to those who deserve them, such as those who always do a good job.

Just because you're new to the profession doesn't mean you don't deserve respect. It's always hard to start.

This came with experience and the realization that one must not stop on the path of self-improvement and this will bring the respect of others. This cannot be achieved in one evening, but if you gain people's respect, it will be for a long time.

63. Respect other people

Respect has two sides. If you want to be respected, you first need to learn to respect others.

If you constantly encounter people who treat you without respect, remember those you treated without respect. In any case, you will find at least one of these.

Instead of resenting how poorly people treat you, try to be nice to those you have treated poorly. This will help you improve your relationships with everyone around you. When someone behaves badly towards me, I remember who I behaved that way towards and then try to improve my relationship with that person. This leads to positive changes in my relationships with others.

64. Keep promises

Nobody likes dishonest and unreliable people. Someone who is honest with their interlocutors, someone who can be relied upon and whose promises can be trusted deserves respect. I believe that honesty is the first step to achieving your highest self.

I always think about whether I can keep a promise before I make it, and if I make it, I make sure to keep it. If for some reason you cannot fulfill your obligations, be sure to find someone who can do it for you.

65. Accept criticism

Contrary to popular belief, being a respected person does not mean not being criticized. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite.

How more people knows you and your work, the more criticism you receive. People respect those who can take a negative assessment and bring something positive out of it.

66. Treat yourself with respect

It's funny, but many people expect other people to respect them, but they don't respect themselves. Have you ever scolded yourself for no reason? Do you love yourself completely and unconditionally? Are you exhausting yourself with lack of sleep, poor diet or something similar?

If you don't respect yourself, you can't expect other people to respect you. Start by treating yourself with love. And after self-love will come the love of others.

67. Act like a professional

This means dressing well, being well-mannered, speaking competently and following the rules of etiquette. If you don't know the rules of etiquette, you need to familiarize yourself with them. It will be useful to attend an etiquette class, even if you have a rough idea of ​​what they teach.

When I was a student, I took several of these classes on wine tasting, table manners, first meeting behavior, and much more. I believe that they have benefited me. What is being studied there is in no way higher mathematics and what you have learned helps in practice, when you know what can and cannot be done in a given situation.

68. Don't slander

It doesn’t matter in what field of activity - both professional and social communication, don't talk bad about people. By backbiting you will not earn the respect of other people. If you have any complaints about to a certain person or you don't like what he/she is doing, talk to that person.

Don't say bad things about him/her behind his/her back because talking behind his/her back will lead to further gossip and innuendo. Whether you realize it or not, it will not only show the bad side of you, but it will also hurt that person. Be honest and open with the people you interact with.

69. Stand up for your beliefs

Have you ever met people who, without thinking, easily agree with everything no matter what they are told? I have encountered such people, and in the end, their consent ceases to have any meaning.

Personally, I have more respect for someone who (politely) disagrees and stands up for their position than someone who always sings along to others.

Only by having your own opinion and thinking with your own head can you achieve the respect of those around you. Don't be afraid to stand up for your beliefs. At the same time, make sure that you do it politely and do not offend others.

70. Be yourself

It is always better to be the original of yourself than to be an exact likeness of someone else. People respect individuals who do not try to imitate anyone.

So many people try their best to be something they are not, and in the end they lose their identity. Find yourself, understand what you are. The world needs people who are themselves, not clones of each other.

71. Be an example for others

Actions speak louder than words. Do you set an example for others with your behavior? Do you adhere to established standards of behavior? Do you gain respect by backing your words with action?

A person who is respected by other people, by his personal example, pushes others to do good and right things.

Conclusion

If you have a feeling self-esteem, there is a very good chance that you want others to treat you with respect. It is clear that age is not prerequisite or a magic key that can be used to open a casket with the respect of others when communicating with them. It all depends on how you behave, how you treat others and what actions you take.

Respect is earned by deeds, not acquired over the years.
Frank Lloyd Wright

In this article, we looked at ways to become a person who is respected by those around you when communicating with them. These tips are suitable for everyone, regardless of age and social status.

Do you always wonder: why is your life so chaotic? What's wrong with your environment? The child does not do well in school subjects and constantly has comments on his behavior. Not a month went by without you being called to the director's carpet again. Doing homework guarantees screams, tears and sleepless night. On top of that, the husband quit his job again, citing the boss’s excessive demands. As a result, you are forced to work overtime so that the family can somehow make ends meet.

When there are constant conflicts in life

We have outlined a catastrophic situation. But this is, alas, not uncommon in our lives. Sometimes it may seem to you that you are haunted by constant conflicts with relatives. Adult daughter does not want to make concessions to you and seek mutual understanding. The sister constantly fails, forgetting about an important event. You fall apart trying to control everything. In fact, you have long turned into a person who does not belong to himself. Every day is filled with endless running: work, shopping, cooking dinner, household chores and raising children. During this time, great, crazy fatigue accumulated. It puts a heavy burden on your shoulders, and sometimes doesn’t allow you to breathe freely.

These people require proper care and attention

What is it like to love someone with ADHD? This can make life crazy and unbearable if you don't get complete control. Doctors prescribe medications and give valuable advice to patients' relatives. Although the behavior pattern of a person suffering from ADHD is manageable, it requires enormous effort from you. internal resources and time. According to doctors, the thinking of a patient with ADHD cannot be changed. Without proper control, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder can lead to substance abuse, overeating, unemployment, instability in relationships, constant conflict, insomnia, stress, anxiety and panic attacks.

A great variety of scenarios

A person with ADHD has long formed a great many scenarios in his mind. But no one knows which way events will develop, not even himself. You will never guess what is in this man's head. He will have to constantly overcome his problems. And you need to take care to improve the situation. If you want to live side by side long and happy life together, never do the following things.

Don't deny the problem

Call this problem by its name: attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. If you learn to identify the "enemy", your life will become easier. The very fact of recognizing the diagnosis is the first step towards liberation. There is no reason for you to feel shame or guilt. Many people in modern world live with certain psychological problems, and many learn to overcome them.
This information may be little consolation: often outstanding discoveries in human history were made by people suffering from ADHD. Many scientists, writers, artists, musicians and entrepreneurs have benefited in some way from their psychological problems. They became successful because they had a special creative thinking that ordinary people cannot do.

Don't criticize your partner unnecessarily

Sometimes criticism can ruin all your efforts. Your partner makes every effort every day to overcome himself and become better. It's not his fault that he still falls short of your ideal standards. Just give him time and don't nag him too much. Keep in mind that when it comes to mental illness, recovery doesn't lend itself to rigid schedules. The best mentor for your partner will be love, not criticism.

Don't make excuses

ADHD is not an excuse for an irresponsible lifestyle. However, everything that is easy for a healthy person seems to be a difficult task for a patient with ADHD. Simple things like cleaning Email or placing paid receipts in the right folder, seems like climbing Everest for this person. Try to reassure your partner, encourage him and inspire him to achieve his small local goals.

Refuse to be a mentor

Stop interfering with routine processes. Refuse the role " caring mommy” and try on the image of a representative of a support group. Stand on the side of the road, grab some pom poms and start clapping. Remember that words of encouragement have much more power than insults or direct intervention. The role of a mentor requires constant criticism and pointing out the student's mistakes. This means that the chosen role contains a negative aura. If you choose for yourself the role of an amateur or a fan, your lover will be sure that you are “playing” with him on the same team.

Say no to excessive demands

When a person suffering from ADHD experiences stress, their thoughts begin to form in a certain pattern. Now he is overcome by a feeling of permanent fear, which begins with the same phrase: “What if...?” Don't put pressure on your partner or yell. This way you will not be able to break through compulsive thinking. Just accept this fact as a given: your partner is not a toy for manipulation. He won't do what you want him to do. He won't do it by a certain date or in a certain way.

Stop giving educational lectures

Respect your significant other's personality. Therefore, leave your lectures for the children who broke their neighbor's window with a soccer ball. If you really have something to say, choose your words carefully. Maintain the conversation time, because it depends on whether you will be heard, or your words will leak past your partner’s ears. You can rehearse your requests to assess your intonation from an outside perspective. Love should come from words, not total control.

Forget about impulsiveness

If your partner has ADHD, it means that their actions are impulsive. Your task is to neutralize these impulses, not provoke them. Be wise and patient. When two impulsive people react equally emotionally to a situation, there can be no talk of any happiness in the relationship.

Don't pretend to be a martyr

Agree that it is quite difficult to cope with such a situation alone. Therefore, create a reliable rear for yourself in the form of friends or close relatives. You can seek the advice of your doctor or find someone who can simply listen to you.

Don't forget your goal

Sometimes words come out ahead of thoughts. Somewhat later you always regret it. But an unpleasant situation cannot be reversed. What is said is said. Remember that words thrown out of spite can leave deep wounds. To avoid trouble, keep your main goal. And whenever you feel like saying offensive things, ask yourself, will this lead to a positive result? And only then decide.

Stop blaming yourself

You do your best, but sometimes you feel unbearably painful because you are the one who has the fate of loving someone with ADHD. Living side by side with him is difficult. Sometimes it’s depressing, sometimes you want to stop everything. Many parents feel guilty for the behavior of naughty children. This feeling poisons their lives, passing through their veins. In fact, this is a delusion formed by a feeling of fatigue. There is no hopeless situation. You do everything that depends on you. It’s just that this situation is difficult, and you are not always confident in your own abilities. Therefore, be attentive to yourself first of all.

– Unfortunately, losses are an integral part human life, each of us has to go through the pain of loss. And, of course, everyone has at least once met a person experiencing grief. For a person who has lost his loved one, the people around him are a source of support and help, so necessary in his time of grief. And for us, meeting a grieving person is a kind of test of humanity, a test of the ability to sympathize, show sensitivity and tact. Perhaps this is why many people are at a loss, not knowing how to help a grieving person, what to say, how to behave. We often rely on our gut feeling, but even an expert can make the wrong decision. How to protect yourself from mistakes?

– One of the typical types of incorrect behavior with a grieving person is emotional detachment from him, avoiding talking about the loss and the feelings caused by it, in other words, inaction. Thus, one woman, who had lost her already adult son, complained that many of her friends, having heard from her about the misfortune that had happened, hastily apologized: “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know” - and immediately moved the conversation to another topic, leaving it thus alone with your grief. Most often, this is due to either basic ignorance of how to behave in such a situation, or the action of protective psychological mechanisms, when a person seeks to avoid discomfort and negative emotions when encountering the suffering of others.

“But the wrong words can do just as much harm as silence.” Which phrases should be avoided, and which, on the contrary, will be effective?

– There are many harmful stereotypes and prejudices among people that prevent them and the people around them from truly experiencing loss. Most often they manifest themselves in the form of incorrect or hurtful statements. First of all, these are untimely, inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of the current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved person: “You are still young, you will get married again” or “Don’t cry - she wouldn’t like it,” etc.

No less common are the so-called projecting statements, when a person transfers his own thoughts to the grieving person. own feelings, desires, experience. Sometimes we really want to say: “I understand your feelings.” But in fact, any loss is individual and is experienced by the grieving person as unique, so such a seemingly harmless phrase can cause rejection. It seems to a person experiencing loss that with these words you seem to devalue his grief. Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh tells a story about a young priest who came to the house of a woman who had lost her child and said: “How I understand you!” In response, the woman became furious: “You don’t understand anything! You have never had a child, you have never lost one, and you have never been a mother.” A similar situation arises if a sympathizer says: “You should continue to live your life,” “You need to leave the house more often,” “It’s time to end mourning.” In this way, people simply express their own needs, thinking that it will help someone else.

In general, you should strive to avoid common “killer clichés” associated with loss: “You should have gotten over it by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy,” “Time heals all wounds.” This also includes phrases like “Be strong,” “You need to hold on,” “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” These verbal attitudes drive grief underground and interfere with its healthy living.

– What should you say to prevent tactlessness and help the grieving person?

– First, acknowledge the situation. For example, say: “I heard that (using the name of the deceased) died.” Use the word “died”, and not any allegory (“left”, “left us”, etc.). This will show that you are open to talking about how the person is really feeling. Be sure to express your genuine participation, do not hide your feelings: “I am very upset that this happened.” If you are confused and cannot find the words, simply say: “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know that I am worried with you.”

Ask how the grieving person is feeling, offer your support, for example: “Tell me what I can do for you.” The emotions experienced by a grieving person are the living engine of grief. On the one hand, you cannot force a person to show his emotions if he is not yet ready for this, on the other hand, it is important to stimulate the expression of feelings whenever possible. Even if a person speaks very restrainedly about his loss, you need to be prepared for a surge of emotions and support their expression. A bereaved person suffers from the resulting emptiness and from what cannot be changed. Therefore, it is first of all important for the person present nearby, whether he is a professional psychologist or a friend, to be close to the grieving person, to empathize with him, and to give him a feeling of support. It is very important to prove yourself to be a good listener. Experiencing the death of a loved one should not be seen as a problem that can be solved, so you should accept any feelings expressed and empathize with the grieving person rather than advising him how to cope with the loss or downplaying the significance of the loss. In no case should the grieving person's refusal to make contact be regarded as a personal attack on you or your relationship with him. Some people want to be helped, others don't. But by rejecting your help, the grieving person does not at all reject your friendship, and this should be remembered.

– Now it’s clear what should not be done towards a person in grief. But another, no less difficult, question arises: what should be done in relation to him, how to help in practical terms?

In order to understand this issue, it makes sense to determine what functions grief performs, what tasks the griever faces from the point of view of experiencing loss.

In the very general view The ultimate goal of the grief process is to accept the loss and then rebuild one's life. We can say that the grieving person has to go through the following path:

1) acknowledge the reality of the loss;

2) experience the pain of loss;

3) regulate relations with the environment in which the deceased is no longer present;

4) accept the past and move forward to live in today and tomorrow.

Facilitating and shortening (but not interrupting!) this path is a task faced jointly by the grieving person and the people around him.

How to achieve this? First of all, just being there for the grieving person, even if you don't know what to say, can be very comforting in itself. Offer to help with errands, grocery shopping, housekeeping, meal preparation, or transportation. Sometimes people want to be helped, sometimes they don't. Although they may reject your proposals, remember that they are not rejecting you or your friendship. Support should be offered even after the initial shock has passed, because recovery takes a long time and help may be needed more than once.

If a grieving person begins to abuse alcohol or drugs, does not take care of his health (which causes problems), or talks about suicide, then you or someone close to you should advise him to seek professional help. Don’t forget to look after your own health: emotional, physical and spiritual.

– You said that it is important to provide practical help– material, economic. But is it useful to completely protect the bereaved person from everyday worries?

– Indeed, there is no need to remove the grieving person from everyday affairs, especially if he himself expresses his readiness to do something. Some physical activity is simply necessary. After one and a half to two months after the loss, you can more persistently involve the person in performing household and work responsibilities. However, there is another extreme in this matter: some people throw themselves into work to escape from their feelings. In this case, overactivity becomes an obstacle to the normal functioning of grief, and it is important for both the bereaved person and the people around him to know this.

– But what if a person “obsesses” with his grief and even after a long time experiences the loss again and again?

– Normally, grief is a natural process of healing the emotional wound caused by the death of a loved one. It takes time and is deeply personal. It cannot be interfered with and directed into the “standard” direction. Sometimes it may seem that the griever is moving in a vicious circle, but repeatedly experiencing the same feelings can be a manifestation of the work of grief and appear important stage on the path to recognition and acceptance of loss. Therefore, the sympathizer is required to have patience and trust in the inner wisdom of the interlocutor. It is not enough to listen to a grieving person and help him express his feelings; it is also necessary to accept him entirely, with all his feelings and experiences. Acceptance does not mean approving a person in his thoughts, feelings, behavior towards the deceased, or justifying the mistakes that he may have actually made. Acceptance means refusing to judge and recognizing a person’s right to make mistakes and to the feelings that he is currently experiencing. It is necessary to avoid any kind of assessments and moralizing. This helps the grieving person accept the loss himself and recognize its irreparability. And here it is worth mentioning one more thing important point– accepting the inevitability of suffering, be it the pain of parting or the feeling of guilt before the deceased. It is often necessary (and sometimes this is the only way out) to accept them and find the strength to live with them further.

– Is it always possible to independently help a person overcome a loss or are there cases that require the intervention of professional psychologists?

– Of course, the support and sympathy of others is extremely important for a grieving person. At the same time, communication with him in some cases becomes too difficult and even unfavorable for the one who empathizes with him and tries to help. If a person realizes that he has done everything in his power, but this does not satisfy the grieving person, then he should step aside for a while. Of course, this does not mean that you need to leave a person alone with his grief. Quicker we're talking about about limiting the senseless waste of mental strength, which, on the one hand, emotionally exhausts the empathizer, on the other hand, turns out to be useless for the grieving person and even, perhaps, reinforces his painful reaction to the loss.

Most people who have lost their loved ones cope with the loss on their own with the support of family, friends and acquaintances. Helping a grieving person is a delicate task and requires great emotional tact. Basically, it is also accessible to non-specialists, since in most cases its implementation does not require any special methods, but only live human participation. Special meaning at the same time have personal, spiritual qualities person next to the grieving person. However, in some cases, those grieving really need professional psychological help.

There are wonderful words in the New Testament that shared joy is double joy, and shared sorrow is half sorrow. If a person grieving for his loved one opens his soul to others and, moreover, thinks about them, tries to do something good for them, then it is easier for him to survive the loss. Likewise, the participation of other people, their help and support are extremely important for a person suffering after a loss. The rules of conduct that we talked about should not be taken literally as a universal guide to action, since all people and situations are unique in some way. The main guideline should be the interests, characteristics and reactions of a particular person experiencing loss. If he accepts your words, suggestions, actions, then most likely you are on the right path.