Should a father accept his child's homosexuality. Homosexuality and children - how to be

Child's age: 8 years

The son shows a penchant for homosexuality

Hello! Son 8 years old. Admitted that they kissed each other's pussy, tried to shove it in the ass, watched the video. He admitted that it was not growing. He speaks, understands that this is bad, that there will be no more, etc. I'm shocked. I tried to find out what drove him: curiosity or like. She explained that there is no need to do this, the time will come, he will grow up and everything will be, but only with the girl on the forehead, etc. I am a single mother, but we have been living with a common-law husband for three years. I explained to my son that when people grow up, a boy and a girl live. Children, etc. What do i do? Are these signs of homosexuality? Maybe because of the lack of male attentiveness, the son does not form psychosexual concepts correctly? The son has leadership qualities, is engaged in taekwando, cars, dances, war games, he always plays with the guys in the yard, but he is very vulnerable and always tells me if he does something wrong or does something bad. I am raised with love, but also with severity. I have household chores to help my mother as a man, albeit a little one. Tell me the literature or give me a conscience. I'm very afraid ((

hope

Hope, hello! I hasten to reassure you, most likely, there is no question of a tendency towards homosexuality. Firstly, sexual identification (hetero or homo) is, after all, a topic of adolescence, when hormonal changes begin to occur in a child. Secondly, such experiments are not uncommon at the age of 6-8 years. This is, first of all, an interest in how everything is arranged on the opposite sex and in what happens behind closed bedroom doors. If the boys have watched an adult video, then perhaps they are trying to imitate the relationship they see on the screen. And since at this age the division of the companies of boys and girls begins, it is easier to play relationships with friends of the same sex (since they communicate and play together, they understand each other, and girls play their games, they can rudely refuse or ridicule). Therefore, the easiest way to experiment is this “wild” from our parental point of view.

Judging by your letter, you did everything right. Most likely, you have a trusting relationship with your son, and this, of course, will help solve the problem. What to do:

1. Do not scold the child, do not call him names. The child must understand that sexuality is normal, everything just has to happen in due time.
2. Explain that the topic of relations between the sexes is a very private story that concerns only each person personally and his partner. Talk about the traditional model of relationships.
3. Make it clear to the child that if he has any questions in this area, he can always come up to you and get answers (maybe, if necessary, you will select special literature for him, appropriate for his age).

It is also important to understand that divorce from your husband has nothing to do with it, if you have a trusting, open relationship with your son, then this is enough for a healthy formation of a child. If a common-law husband has a good relationship with your son, it will be great if he answers these questions.

Transient adolescent homosexuality is especially pronounced in closed educational institutions where adolescents of the same sex are concentrated. In older adolescents, it is caused by a strong attraction in the absence of objects of the opposite sex, in younger adolescents - by the reaction of grouping, imitation - by temptation, imitation, and sometimes coercion from the older ones. From mutual masturbation and kissing, leaving bruises on the body, they move on to mutual petting, sucking on the genitals, and boys - and to the introduction of the penis into the anus of another. Transient homosexuality is more common among male adolescents than among female adolescents.

The reason for transient homosexuality is its low differentiation characteristic of the period of formation of sexual desire. Sexual arousal in adolescent boys can be caused by a wide variety of stimuli - muscle tension while fighting with a friend, shaking while driving, even pain and fear.

Transient adolescent homosexuality is more common among epileptoids and schizoids (active form), as well as in labile and unstable adolescents (passive form).

Unlike true perversion, with transient adolescent homosexuality, an object of the opposite sex always remains more attractive. In the presence of representatives of the opposite sex of their own age, even without any sexual intercourse with them, homosexual contacts cease.

However, the differential diagnosis between homosexuality as an emerging perversion and transient deviation in adolescence is not always easy, especially when the adolescent himself speaks about his homosexuality and it causes him a fear of inferiority ("homosexual panic" by American authors). About 8-10% of adolescents go through the stage of homosexual love [Isaev DN et al., 1979], while true homosexuality, according to many authors, occurs in 1-2% of cases. In the absence of sexual experience in a teenager, one can rely on the following signs to recognize the emerging true perversion. Attraction to the opposite sex, according to the teenager, is not only absent, but its representatives as a sexual object act in a repulsive way. Dreams during wet dreams are exclusively homosexual in nature. The same can be said about erotic fantasies during masturbation. The teenager begins to actively look for situations where he can see the genitals of the same sex naked (baths, public toilets). It should be noted that the masculine makeup of girls and the femininity of boys are not at all a compelling argument in favor of homosexual inclination - rather, it is the background against which homosexuality can develop. A negative attitude towards one's own homosexuality can also take place in the case of true perversion - the Zgo-dystonic homosexuality of American authors.

Other transient sexual deviations during adolescence are less common. These include peeping at naked strangers' genitals (voyeurism), flaunting their own genitals, most often an erect penis (exhibitionism), manipulating the genitals of small children or animals, dressing up in clothes and especially underwear of the opposite sex, etc.

Usually, all these actions are accompanied by masturbation or they are completed by it. But all this occurs as random episodes, usually at the height of sexual arousal, and not as a persistent tendency. But if such actions are repeated over and over again and are accompanied or completed by a reinforcing orgasm, then, due to the conditioned reflex mechanism, a persistent habit can be established and transient deviation can turn into perversion.

Exhibitionism, apparently, is able to establish itself especially easily. It is assumed that the imprinting mechanism plays a role in fixing, that is, the instant and lasting imprinting of the first stimuli of a given kind that fall on the prepared soil.

Features of sexual deviations for different types of character accentuations. Early sex life is more common among hypertensive adolescents. With a sensitive and psychasthenic accentuation, persistent masturbation can be observed and, most importantly, a depressive reaction to it with remorse, self-reproach, oaths, self-punishment, etc. The sexual life of a schizoid usually remains a deep secret. External asexuality and even contempt for sexual problems can be combined with stubborn masturbation and rich erotic fantasies, or attraction can suddenly break through in a rude and perverse form - they watch for hours to spy on someone's naked genitals, exhibition in front of babies, masturbate under other people's windows, where they come from they can see, get in touch with the first people they meet, make appointments by phone to unknown persons "for one time", etc. The strong attraction of epileptoids pushes for sexual aggression, compulsion to cohabitation; they may show a tendency towards sadism and masochism. Labile and hysterical teenagers especially love to indulge in erotic fantasies. However, with the onset of sexual activity, hysterical adolescents can often change partners, up to promiscuity, while labile adolescents are more affectionate. With an unstable accentuation, promiscuity and group sex (pluralism), a passive form of homosexuality, are more common.

Is homosexuality innate, or is it shaped by external factors? Those who support the version about the influence of external factors include members of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). They believe that sexual orientation correction is possible. In their work, they adhere to the method of "reparative therapy" (or "restorative therapy"). We are talking about a voluntary "correction" at the request of the patient himself. Joseph Nicolosi, former president of this association, and founder and director of the clinic. St. Thomas Aquinas in the state of California, spoke about the peculiarities of the formation of child sexuality.

- Joseph, at what point and why did you become interested in the psychology of homosexuality?

I have been doing psychology in this area for about 25 years. Initially, this was not my specialization, but more and more clients began to appear who experienced homosexual attraction and would like to get rid of it, due to the fact that this gave them psychological and emotional discomfort. At the same time, I was not ready to help such clients, because in the USA it was always considered incorrect to talk about the reasons for homosexuality. Then I began to conduct my own research, study literature, especially psychoanalytic, on the causes and treatment of homosexuality. And I found that the stories of my patients about their childhood completely coincided with what psychoanalysts said about their patients in the books that I studied. This led me to conclude that a common trait for boys who display homosexual attraction is too much attachment to their mother and an emotionally distant relationship with their father. My observations were fully supported by early psychoanalytic research, including that of Sigmund Freud in 1917.

In his book Preventing Homosexuality. A Guide for Parents ”you say that homosexuality is not innate, but is formed in childhood under the influence of external factors. What factors are decisive in the formation of a child's sexual orientation?

Sexual orientation is determined by gender identity. How a child feels, what gender he will begin to attribute himself to, will become a determining factor in the formation of his sexual identity. If a boy feels his masculinity, then he will grow up heterosexual. But, if he forms a female gender identity, then this increases the likelihood that he will grow up homosexual, bisexual, or transsexual. In order for a boy to grow up heterosexual, it is very important that in early childhood he stops identifying with his mother and begins to identify himself with his father. This occurs between 1.5 and 3 years of age and is called the “gender identification phase”. It is during this period that the child begins to realize that the world is divided into men and women and that he needs to relate himself to one or the other. In order for this to happen correctly, the mother needs to weaken her influence on her son, allow him to leave her sphere and establish a connection with the father.

The father, for his part, must be open to the relationship with the child. Almost always, men with homosexual attraction have overly sympathetic mothers and, either suppressive or uninteresting, fathers. Also, if a homosexual boy has an older brother, then their relationship is based on fear and suppression from the older brother. Sigmund Freud spoke about this 90 years ago, and I have never seen an exception to this - I have never had a homosexual client who would say that he has a good, warm and friendly relationship with his older brother.

- What to do in the case of an incomplete family where the mother is raising her son alone?

In this case, the mother needs to know that the boy needs the figure of the father. This could be his uncle, grandfather, school teacher, coach, or even a neighbor. The bottom line is that a boy needs to feel a special relationship with an older man who would personify his father, and who would accept him as another man.

- Does the child's rejection of his gender always lead to his homosexuality in the future?

Rejection of one's gender is a 75% chance of future homosexuality, bisexuality, or transsexuality. This percentage is based on a huge amount of research.

- What are the main signs of a child's denial of their gender? Are there "prehomosexual" symptoms?

The main signs that a boy is denying his gender are that he is displaying feminine traits, apparently denying signs of masculinity. That is, he denies male behavior and has a consistent interest in female occupations. In his mind, he wants and strives to be a woman and pretends to be her. He has exclusively female interests, and he is indifferent, or does not like what belongs to male interests.

Usually, when parents call me concerned about their child's sexual development, I ask: “Does your son look happy when he sees his father? When the father comes home from work, does the child run to him in order to show him something, to ask if he is happy, excited? " This is perhaps the most important indicator. In addition, such a boy, as a rule, is shy and keeps away from physical activity, seeks to stay with the girls, closer to his mother, grandmother, or sisters. In early childhood, he may say that he would like to be a girl. The boy often prefers to stay at home and devotes most of his life to fantasies, tends to identify with female television characters.

Should parents always start to worry if their son takes an interest in female occupations and prefers the company of girls?

No. Often, parents mistakenly perceive the behavior of a boy, which can be artistic, creative. These boys are more sensitive, they love art, playing the piano, or, for example, boys who love to cook. These are not signs that parents should be concerned about - these are stereotypes that have stuck to male and female behavior. We are talking exclusively about those signs when the boy is clearly denying his masculinity.

What should parents do if they start noticing signs of homosexual behavior in their children after they have passed the gender identification phase? Is it possible to influence the sexual development of a child after 3 years of age?

The critical age for the formation of gender identification is from 1.5 to 3 years. However, many parents notice that something is wrong and call when their child is 5, 7, 9 years old or older. In any case, we help parents change their approach to parenting, adjust it in such a way as to allow their son to feel more masculine. It's never too late to start changing the situation. Our research into the correction of child homosexuality began with the therapy of the adult population.

Listening to the stories of my adult homosexual clients, I was able to see the necessary components that are present in their childhood and contribute to the development of homosexuality in them. Thus, based on the study and treatment of the adult homosexual population, we were able to understand how to guide parents to reduce the likelihood of developing homosexuality in their children.

So far, we've talked about the sexual development of boys. What are the features of gender identification in girls? What signs should parents look for?

Homosexuality among the male population is much more common than among the female. On average, the ratio is 7: 1. Therefore, speaking about the signs and causes, I first of all touched on the problems of the sexual development of boys. Female homosexuality has a different nature and reasons than male homosexuality. There are three types of this homosexuality. The first is a more feminine, passive type. This applies to those girls and young women who have experienced emotional estrangement with their mothers. In infancy, they did not develop attachment to their mother. Therefore, as they mature, they seek maternal love in a relationship with another woman. This is the most common type of female homosexuality. The second type of female homosexuality is the male type. These are the girls who experienced difficulties in the gender identification phase. In a critical period, such a girl identified herself with her father and not with her mother. In other words, she was doing what a heterosexual boy should do. This can happen in families where the mother is weak and emotionally unavailable to the child. And the father, on the other hand, is a strong, charismatic and domineering person in the house. Often the father is rude to the mother. In such cases, the girl perceives femininity as weakness and incapacity, and masculinity as power and value. She begins to deny her femininity, striving to become "daddy's son." The third type of female homosexuality is associated with the fact that the girl was abused or abused by a man in childhood. This can form her fear of male sexuality. I call this form of homosexuality "pseudo-homosexuality" because it is not a deep-seated problem. In this case, the woman needs to get rid of the fear of the manifestation of male sexuality.

Symptoms of female prehomosexual development are the same as those of male, only the opposite is the denial of everything female, the desire to play only boyish games, imitate male behavior, pretend to be a boy. But, in the case of girls, these symptoms are not always easily noticeable, as in boys, in whom difficulties with gender self-determination are more obvious and are a characteristic indicator of further sexual development. One of the common signs of female homosexuality is that a girl develops a strong attachment early to another girl, or an older woman, such as a physical education teacher or the coach of a women's sports team. More generally, male homosexuality belongs to the realm of direct sexuality, while female homosexuality is more associated with attachment and relationships on an emotional level.

What should parents do if they notice symptoms of the development of homosexuality in a child, their denial of their gender?

First of all, it should tell them that they are doing something wrong. You need to try to find professional help in order to adjust your approach to raising and communicating with your child. I wrote about possible directions in my book. First, the child needs to make it clear that such behavior on his part is unacceptable. This may seem obvious, but many parents, observing signs of homosexual development in a child, do not comment on them in any way, for fear of hurting his feelings, or the hope that this will go away by itself. At the next stage, in the case of a boy, it is necessary to involve the father as much as possible in his upbringing, and the mother, on the contrary, to step aside. At the same time, not only the father, but all the significant men in the child's life should be involved in this process. They should support and inspire the boy to accept his masculinity, trying to convey to him that being a boy is great and fun, and that he is very lucky.

How to explain to a child that homosexuality is wrong if it is widely popularized on television, in the cinema?

The media supports homosexuality, makes it a kind of fashion movement. But in fact, this gives us a mistaken idea of ​​the way of life of such people, because it does not show the problems that they face in their lives. The child needs to be explained that, even though society has become much more tolerant, the life of gay people is still very difficult, it is much more difficult for them to maintain and develop relationships with people, they have much more psychological problems and the burden associated with homosexual life. way of life. Among the homosexual population, there is a much higher percentage of various kinds of addictions, drug and alcohol abuse, failed relationships, depression and suicide attempts. Many parents would prefer to help their child avoid such problems, and they definitely have a right to do so.

Parents always want the best for their child, and no parent I have ever worked with wanted their child to grow up homosexual. And this is not homophobia - these are real problems that the child will have to face in the future, since we live in a heterosexual world. At the same time, parents may not notice certain behavior on their part in relation to the child, which can provoke the development of homosexuality. Therefore, it is often necessary that someone objectively look at their relationship from the outside and advise on some changes in their behavior and approach to education. If it is difficult to find a good specialist in your hometown, you need to look for a specialist in another city. For example, I conduct telephone consultations with people all over the world.

Vasily, 47 years old, Andrey's dad

About camingout

Andrey told my wife and me about his orientation on his nineteenth birthday. When he just started talking, I suddenly realized what exactly he was going to say. It was a shock, but subconsciously I was ready for this confession.

After Andrey's coming out, I thought a lot. I could not understand why this happened to my son. Analyzed what I did wrong. Maybe you didn’t spend much time? Or was he not raised as a man?

We went to a good psychologist. It was Andrei's desire, not related to his cumingout. And the psychologist confirmed that this is "primary homosexuality." Andrei accepted himself this way for a long time and does not feel discomfort about his homosexuality. But, most importantly, the psychologist said that my wife and I have nothing to blame ourselves for. To be honest, it helped me a lot. Now, when a year has passed since the coming-out, I take everything calmly. I accepted my child as he is. He is a good guy, responsible and courageous.

About grandchildren and the future in Russia

Only my wife and I know about Andrey's orientation. I don’t think it’s worth bothering my grandmother or relatives. After he confessed to us, he had a period of euphoria. Andrei wanted to tell his group at the institute, but I dissuaded him: it is not known how people can react. Like any parent, I want to keep him safe.

Of course, I'm a little sad. I'm starting to think about my grandchildren. However, Andrei says that he also wants children. In our country, unlike many other countries, there are laws on, and the proposed one will provide protection to biological parents. I think that for Andrey, such laws are more important than the law banning the propaganda of nontraditional relationships. Moreover, my son is not promoting anything.

Everything is not so bad with us. A good specialty is important, friends around, the opportunity to have a child. I think that my son can be happy in Russia.

The importance of support

With his wife, the son is more open about his personal life and his relationships. But I know that he has a friend and he wants to get to know us. They go to the movies and cafes, get together on vacation. I am glad that my son is not alone. He thinks I’m angry with him because of my orientation and I’m disappointed, but I’m not. I can see that I am happy. And this is important to me.

Most fathers perceive the homosexual orientation of their sons as some kind of shame and do not want to talk about it with anyone. But such a manifestation of male friendship has always existed. We have known this since the days of Ancient Greece. Orientation is not important when there is real feeling, there is love and friendship.

For a father who is faced with the homosexuality of his child, I advise you to read about it. But not LGBT literature, but, for example, Tennessee Williams. View Angels in America. And see that these are the same people with the same feelings. We must try to understand this. After all, when you love your child, you will still accept him by anyone.

Vyacheslav, 42 years old, Elena's dad

About camingout

For the first time, Lena said that she liked the girl, while still a schoolgirl. We calmly discussed this with her, and I asked her not to get hung up. Today I like the girl, tomorrow I like the boy. Later we had a conversation about sexual orientation options. I explained to her that everything is possible and everything is normal. Our mother punishes or scolds, and I always tried to be a parent-friend and wanted my daughter to be able to honestly talk to me about everything and not be afraid.

As she grew up, she began to openly say that she liked girls and that this was her choice. We discussed this without scandals and hysterics. But her first serious love I took a little with hostility. I am a psychiatrist by education and I know all the variants of sexual orientation, but I had fears that this was all youthful maximalism, her desire to prove something to someone, to go against it. I wanted her not to take it for granted, but first figure out her feelings and emotions. I finally accepted this when Lena said that she had a serious relationship and that she wanted to live with a girl. We talked about my concerns for a while, and in the end we decided that everything was really serious.

About relations and the future in Russia

We discuss all Lena's sympathies, and if she needs advice or help, I am always there. When I understand that she has a serious relationship or she wants to live with someone together, I definitely get to know these girls.

I do not feel any aggression towards the LGBT community and have not heard about it from my daughter. But she's a creative person, perhaps the absence of aggression is due to the circle of communication. And of course, the fact that lesbian culture is less negative than gay culture.
I try to be apolitical, but the law banning the promotion of homosexuality made a big impression on me. Our country is not ready to accept the LGBT community, and this is spurred on at the state level.

Nevertheless, I think that Lena can live in Russia and be happy. Many things will be missing: the opportunity to marry, financial and legal guarantees, but I have acquaintances of homosexual couples who live here, and some of them are even happier than heterosexual couples.

If Lena ever wants to have a baby, I’ll only be glad. You don't have to get married to do this, but if marriage is important to my daughter, I will support her. In Russia, this union will not make any sense, and I am ready for the fact that one day she may leave.

If children are not ready to tell dads about their orientation, this is the problem of fathers.

The importance of support

Recently Lena and I talked about her cumingout - and she talked in detail about how I reacted throughout the entire period of adoption. I immediately understood how important my support is to her, since she remembered all the little things, down to some phrases.

Modern youth is open to dialogue, so if children are not ready to tell their fathers about their orientation, this is the problem of fathers. Men are more closed. Telling something personal, discussing their experiences is difficult for most of them. I think that many dads, even after a calm reaction to the cumingout, have a sediment in their hearts. They do not fully accept the homosexuality of the child and are not ready to talk about it. But the child does not change after coming out, as well as his love for his parents. Why, then, do parents change their attitude towards a child if he chooses a different path that is incomprehensible to them? This is a betrayal. Children need us, count on our support, for many of them parents are an example in life. As a result, the child is faced with a lack of understanding or negativity and must seek help somewhere on the side. Don't betray your children. Love them no matter what happens to them or whom they love.

Natalia, 64 years old, mother of Vyacheslav

About camingout

I learned about Slava's orientation from his personal diary in my school years. It was a huge shock for me, but I did not ask him anything: I thought that everything would pass by itself. I had no literacy in this matter. I didn't know who to talk to, where to read about it. Dad passed away when Slava was 13, and I was going through all this alone with myself.

When Slava was about 20, I began to notice some worries and sad moods. Began to ask him carefully about this. Slava saw that I was reacting calmly and peacefully, and little by little he began to share with me. We never had any kind of formal conversation and coming out, he just realized that I knew. And gradually it entered our life as a given.

Your child is not a fascist or a terrorist. Like any person, he has the right to decide whom to love and with whom to live.

About attitude in society

Now we are calmly discussing the personal life of our son. His homosexual friends often come to our house. At first, they are embarrassed, but when they see that I treat them completely calmly, we immediately find a common language. They are very happy when they communicate with them as with ordinary people. Among his friends there are homosexual couples who have been together for a long time, and they have very good family relationships. Slava also has many heterosexual friends. His homosexuality did not change his personality in any way. He is cheerful, educated, the soul of the company. I think that relatives guess about his orientation, because Slava is already 35, and he is not married. But no one asks directly.

At work, Slava does not know. Neither he nor I are ready for a massive coming out, because people's attitudes can change. Our society shies away from this topic. Maybe inside people understand something, but we have a very homophobic country.

About grandchildren and love for a son

If Slava wants to sign with a man in another country, then, like any mother-in-law, I would like this person to like me and we find a common language. It is important that this is an open person who truly loves my son.

Every mother who finds out about her son's homosexuality is most of all afraid that in old age he will be left alone and he will not have children. Slava is already an adult and wants to live separately, my personal life is not entirely successful, and without my grandchildren I feel a kind of vacuum. I would really like Slava to have children.

Recently I started going to the LGBT initiative group “Coming Out”. We watch movies, talk a lot and support children and each other. It's a pity that 20 years ago, when I just learned about Slava's orientation, there were no such clubs for parents. Sexual orientation is inherent in nature, and when parents communicate with each other, it is easier for them to accept it and not blame themselves.

Homosexuality is not the end of the world or a tragedy to worry about. Your child is not a fascist or a terrorist. Like any person, he has the right to decide whom to love and with whom to live. You need to have enough strength to accept all this, and a lot of love for your child.

There are symptoms of pre-homosexuality that are easy to recognize. In addition, these signs usually appear early in a child's life. Most of these behaviors develop during preschool age, between two and four years of age.

These include persistent desire to belong to the other sex or insistence that he or she belongs to him; in boys - a tendency to dress up or imitate women's outfits, in girls - persistence in wearing only typically masculine clothes; persistent desire to participate in games and activities characteristic of the opposite sex. Dressing up is one of the first signs, research by Dr. Richard Green shows.

However, in many children, symptoms of early homosexual development may be less noticeable..

Behavioral features that can contribute to the further development of homosexuality include such as unwillingness to play with other boys, fear of rough and active games, shyness when changing clothes in the presence of other men (but not in the presence of women), discomfort when communicating with the father and lack of affection to him and, possibly, increased affection for the mother.

It is based on the fear of being different from others. At the heart of the boy's homosexuality is a feeling and fear, which is different from other children. Such fear accompanies the boy for as long as he can remember. And this "dissimilarity" creates a feeling of inferiority and isolates him from other men. At the same time, the fear turns out to be unspoken, hidden, about which the parents and relatives of the boy can only vaguely suspect.

Most gay men recalled that in childhood they were physically undeveloped, passive, lonely (except for girlfriends), non-aggressive, indifferent to power games, shunned other guys who seemed threatening and attractive to them. Many of them had traits that can be called gifted: they were smart, precocious, artistic, at the same time sociable and friendly. But such men from childhood were distinguished by hypersensitivity and gentleness and were simply not sure that masculinity was part of who they were.

Due to the peculiarities of temperament and family environment, later such a boy avoids the need to identify himself with his father and the masculinity that he personifies. Thus, the pre-homosexual boy does reject his awakening masculinity and takes a defensive stance towards her. However, later he will fall in love with what he lacks, he will look for it in others.

These boys, who are at risk for their temperament, need special recognition from parents and peers in order to develop a strong masculine identity. However, don't get it.

Isolation from one's gender is the root of homosexuality

According to psychoanalyst Robert Stoller, the first law of how to be a man is not to be a woman.

During infancy, both boys and girls are emotionally connected to their mother. In the language of psychodynamic therapy, the mother is the first object of love. She meets all the primary needs of her children. Girls continue to develop their female identity through their relationship with their mother.

But boys face an additional developmental challenge - to stop identifying with their mother and reorient themselves to identifying with their father. They must separate from their mother and cultivate differences from their primary love object in order to become heterosexual men.

Many psychologists who work with adult homosexuals found that in their youth, these men did not like rough fiddling with other boys and most often avoided their company. They preferred the company of girls who were softer and more outgoing, just like themselves.

But later, in middle adolescence, these gender-undefined boys suddenly change their focus: by then, in their eyes, other boys are much more important - and even attractive and mysterious - than girls who are indifferent.

The opposite process occurs with their heterosexual classmates: asserting their male gender identity, normally developing boys scornfully reject the company of little girls. From about 6 to 11 years old, children, especially boys, close their ranks to the opposite sex. "I hate girls," the boys say, "they are stupid. They are not needed in our company."

In this way, healthy boys and girls assert their gender identity, and in order to do so, they need to surround themselves with close friends of the same gender. This is an important precondition for subsequent contact with the opposite sex during adolescence.

The period of emphasized association with one's gender is a necessary phase in the process of deepening and clarifying normal gender identity.

During this significant period of development, the opposite sex becomes mysterious, which lays the foundation for future erotic and romantic attraction to him. (We are romantically attracted to someone who is "not like me."

Then, by adolescence, the picture changes.... A normally developing boy becomes interested in girls. Now they are no longer so indifferent - suddenly they turn out to be much more interesting, incomprehensible and even romantically mysterious.

To be continued